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User8113 Asked March 2022

My grandmother is acting different and suspicious. Any advice?

Hello, I’ve never used this forum before but i didnt know where else to turn. I’m only 18 and can’t exactly speak to my grandmother's doctor myself. My grandma on my mom's side has moved in with us due to troubles previously living with my aunt. When we used to visit with her on holidays, she seemed perfectly normal - no issues. Very talkative, interesting in my life, and helpful when it comes to cooking and cleaning.


Since she begged my mom to let her live at our house with my family, she has acted like a completely different person. She leaves dishes laying out, leaves empty toilet rolls on the window sill, comes into my room when I’m sleeping to take my dog out (??), has a constant need to know where I’m going, she also claims to be unable to cook meals- only uses microwave meals if we are not home to serve her food. She claims to be mostly deaf, but gets extremely nervous when discussing getting her her hearing aids fixed. (Would rather not hear) She blames a lot of her abnormal behaviours on her mother “my mother used to do this” when referring to not getting her hearing aids fixed, or when we point of the odd noises she makes or the rubbing of her face constantly. She is very nosy at times, and will listen to conversations on the other side of the door, will listen through vents into my bedroom when my father comes to chat with me in my room, or even standing outside of the bathroom door and watching me go to the bathroom at times.


She eats the exact same meals at the same time everyday and will push you out of the way to get her food and medication. Christmas morning she skipped out on opening gifts with us because she needed to eat her cereal.


She is also very intrusive of our space. When we have family time after everyone gets home from work she will come and sit there but not say a word. She often will be watching us have a conversation and interrupt to talk about something completely irrelevant. She does nothing all day besides self-diagnose her problems, stare blankly out the window, and seems to have a serious attachment to my mother (her daughter). She refuses to anything to help herself. She sits all day on her computer (10+ hours a day), and refuses to stretch or exercise. She is on 13+ medications, including a suspiciously high dose of anxiety medication. On Christmas she sent me an e-transfer in the same room as me (no merry Xmas, or card).


She has also started speaking to my mother like a child - “tank you” and other such childish phrases”. She “tells on me” to my mother like a young sibling would, when I’m up late, when i go out, or even when my dad leaves to go to the store she tells my mom he left as if we don’t already communicate where were going to each other- and trust me this is not out of care for what we're doing - it's trying to get my mother angry with us. She recently told her she thinks I don’t like her after my dad's father (my grandpa) came over and i asked her to leave so i could spend time with him. Keep in mind she moved away when i was young and made the minimum effort to see me (holidays) and never called.


All in all, I’m feeling very put out in my own house as are my parents and brother. She’s invasive, doesn’t help out, and tries to get me in trouble for anything she can.


Lately, I’ve also heard her up at night (around 4am) wandering throughout the house. At this time - the camera in our kitchen also mysteriously shuts off. I am concerned that there is something weird going on and i can’t tell if this is devious behaviour, a medication issue, or something else all together.


Any advice or recommendations would help, thanks in advance.

JoAnn29 Mar 2022
I would check out her medications. Is she taking them correctly. Some you take in the morning, some at night. She may be overdosing. It could be a particular med causing the problem. 13 meds is a lot. One could be interferring with another.

I would first look up the meds she is taking to determine what they are for. I would then take them to a pharmacist and ask if any interact with another. My Mom was on a med for fast heart rate because of her Thyroid. Once the Thyroid was under control I asked why she was still on it. She was taken off. Her Bloodpressure med was doubled while in the hospital in pain. When released I question the high dose told that was what she was being given because of the pain. The pain was gone after the procedure. In home nurse questioned it too because Moms B/P was too low. Called Moms PCP and he lowered it back to normal.

Have you talked to your Aunt to find out if Grandma was like this at her house? Sudden changes in personality could be a UTI.
User8113 Mar 2022
Thanks for the advice, we haven’t spoken to my aunt but she had voiced concern of her being intrusive there as well. To the point where they sectioned her off to an area of their house, so she would be in her own space - that’s when she called my mom saying they had been treating her poorly. I found 13 separate interactions with her medications. She’s on a very high dose of anxiety meds and the pharmacist even agreed that it was a questionable amount. The doctors put her on a medication for a UTI a while ago but there’s been no change in behaviour and She has been acting in this behaviour for over a year as far as we know. My parents are going to speak to her doctor and voice the concerns we have, then go from there. We’re hoping they will take a look into her medications and possibly see into making some changes and hopefully that will help. We have also noticed that she has been up in the middle of the night more, recently, and she is starting to become more irritable since she went on her UTI treatment medication? I’m not sure if that’s related at all.
TChamp Mar 2022
Take her to a psychiatrist for evaluation.
User8113 Mar 2022
We are going to try, she seems to refuse any help as I don’t think she wants to improve her health or mental well-being.

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polarbear Mar 2022
User8113 - What a horrible situation you have. You and your family are living in a mental institution with a patient that is running the house and is ruining everyone's life.

Grandma's strange behaviors should be documented and reported to her doctor. I highly recommend you record them on your phone so you can have proof and show the doctor. Telling the doc isn't sufficient. Seeing is believing.
User8113 Mar 2022
You put my feelings into words. Thank you!
I am going to speak to her doctor soon with my family and address it. We have some pictures as proof in case of this as well - good point.
User8113 Mar 2022
Thank you to the people who didn’t mark me out to be a bad person, I understand how it may sound coming from an 18 year old but I’ve had countless conversations with my parents. I posted this on here on behalf of my family not jut myself. We are trying to gather what might be happening, not trying to create drama like a previously edited comment stated. Quite the opposite really.. i told my family about me posting this because i felt we should feel out whether its medical before we assume her behaviours are her actually trying to be rude to us on purpose. She’s seen a doctor for her issues countless times. She’s had previous diagnoses of anxiety, osteoporosis, and copd, the others are just so I would be shows forums with those topics involved, as like i said I’m trying to figure out what could be the reasoning for her behaviours. The way she acts towards us seems rude, and uncalled for - hence why i said I’m weighing the odds of it being purposefully rude. Some of you think I’m so young that I’m incapable of understanding what old age looks like. I have been working and volunteering in care homes since i was 14. I’m in university now studying psychology - this is not me trying to start drama. This is me concerned for my family and I’s well being as well as my grandmothers as her previous physician was my aunt’s boss (she’s an NP) and she no longer speaks to the family since we took her in and didnt believe she was the problem and not her - but now we see she likely was a problematic housemate for my aunt. Once again, thank you to those who actually saw me as a human not as some child who’s starting drama.
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
If gma has already had MoCA/SLUMS cognizance testing & she's okay/not suffering from dementia, then she could have psychiatric/mental health issues, or it could be medication related. Taking lots of anti anxiety meds for a long time could lead to brain malfunction, psychological problems and cognition issues in general.

Some people ARE obnoxious and purposefully rude, however. If that's gma, who knows, right? It could be, but you won't know that until you rule out organic reasons/medical reasons/prescription dependence FIRST. If the doc rules out those things, then you'll have to say well, gma is a rude and obnoxious human and very difficult to live with!

The big red flag here (for me) is her wandering at night: that shouts DEMENTIA b/c it's SO COMMON a thing for a dementia sufferer to do.

I hope you and mom can find answers to this situation asap.
TChamp Mar 2022
How old is your grand mother? The first thing that occurs to me is that you can't comprehend the behavior of your grandmother because there is gap of two generations in between. Whether her behavior is abnormal or not, it's hard to tell. Of course it looks strange to you, but you're only 18. Adult behavior can be sometimes incompressible to a child. Elderly behavior is even more confusing. My suggestion is that you speak to your mother about your observations and concerns. May be it's only old age.
LoopyLoo Mar 2022
OP is 18, not 8. The grandma’s behavior can confound any adult.
MargaretMcKen Mar 2022
Some suggestions:
1) Talk to your aunt about the ‘troubles’ she had with GM, and ask her to talk to your parents. What happened, how aunt tried to cope, and how that worked out. Aunt's suggestions about what to do.
2) Tell your parents that this is becoming very difficult for you, is ruining your family life, invading your privacy. Tell them what your aunt said, and ask them to talk to aunt themselves.
3) Send your information to GM’s doctor. As already said, doctor can’t talk to you, but you can talk to doctor. Tell your parents that you have done this, and ask that they follow it up with the doctor.
4) Tell your parents that this is a common cause of teenagers leaving home as soon as they are able. Is this what your parents want to happen? It’s true!
5) Ask your parents to start looking for alternative accommodation for GM. You can bring yourself up to speed quickly about the options on this site. Click on ‘Care Topics’ at the top right of the screen, then click on A and find Assisted Living, I for Independent Living, S for Senior Living. GM may be a long way still from Nursing Home or Memory Care, and there are options that might work better for everyone.
6) If you are still in college, talk to the student counselor. It’s normally free, and perhaps will help you sort through what to do.
7) If this all causes problems in the household, perhaps your aunt might let you move in with her until the dust settles.

Good Luck, Margaret
User8113 Mar 2022
Thank you these are great suggestions, i appreciate your help. Also, yes honestly, it might drive me out of the house! Lol. On the other hand, i want what’s best for her and hope i can help my parents and my grandmother sort it out. All of these are great points and great advice I wouldn’t have thought to talk to her doctor about my concerns. Thank you :)
gladimhere Mar 2022
You actually can talk to her doctor and tell them anything you think would be helpful to grandma.

Send a note, even. But, the doc will not be able to tell you anything about grandma.
User8113 Mar 2022
Thank you, ill look into it!
Cashew Mar 2022
1st,since you are 18, no "only". you are an adult and you can definitely point out the behaviors of your grandmother to her doctor. You can write a letter and insist it be put into her medical file as a concerned adult family member.

2nd, the behaviors don't sound "devious" at all but highly likely to be medical. Perhaps, as an ADULT , it's time you spoke to your mother about what your grandmother's diagnosis is and the expected outcomes.

3rd, When you get the information from your mother, about what is going on with your grandmother, then you can research and learn that such behaviors are not malicious or the sign of bad character.

TBH, you are sounding like you want some type of drama instead of trying to understand life stages and medical conditions.
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
When I was 18, the last thing in the world I understood was dementia behaviors from an old grandmother! What may seem obvious to people like us in our 60s or older, is not quite so obvious to a teenager and can easily sound like 'devious' behavior, imo.
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
Welcome to the forum! In your profile you say:

"I am caring for my grandmother, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, lung disease, mobility problems, and osteoporosis."

The behavior you're describing could definitely be attributed to dementia; has grandma been diagnosed, or are you just assuming she's afflicted with it and putting that down in her profile? She needs to be seen by her PCP and given a cognizance test (MoCA or SLUMS) which is mostly oral, and a written part where she's asked to draw a clock showing 3 pm, to see if she has a cognizance issue at play. Certainly, wandering around at 4 am and her other odd behaviors could definitely be attributed to dementia, but high doses of anti-anxiety meds along with 12 other RXs could be playing a part here too. Can mom take her to the doctor soon?

I don't know that grandma is exhibiting 'dangerous' behavior, per se, unless she tries to get out of the house at 4 am to go outside and walk around the neighborhood. Now THAT can definitely be dangerous! Your dad might want to to install slide locks high up on the exterior inside doors to prevent her from doing such a thing, just in case.

We here on the forum can't tell you 'exactly' what's happening with grandma, of course, but just say that a doctor's visit IS in order here, definitely. I hope you can get this all figured out b/c it sure sounds stressful for your family to be dealing with such behaviors from grandma. GOOD LUCK!
User8113 Mar 2022
Thank you for your suggestions, my grandma is a completely different person around doctors and other family members whom she doesn’t live with, i believe this is because she does not want to be diagnosed with anything further. She refused my moms company at the doctors office, so maybe speaking to the doctor about our concerns could be a good idea. Thank you for being supportive.

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