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teamcare Asked February 2022

Caregiver expenses. Am I being unreasonable?

Hello, I am one of three siblings taking care of my father. He is at home and is in hospice care. We each take a week to care for him by moving in and being with him. This has been going on for almost a year. My two siblings live close (one 5 minutes away and the other 90 minutes away). I live 600 miles away and have been driving to and from at my own expense. Between gas and tolls I spend over $200 each trip. I feel like I should be reimbursed but my siblings feel that it was my choice to live so far away. Am I being unreasonable? Finances are not an issue for my father. I don't want to cause a family rift but feel like I'm being penalized. Any one else have a similar situation?

Countrymouse Feb 2022
You're not being unreasonable at all. Many POA documents specify exactly this sort of thing, and claiming back travel and subsistence costs would not be unusual. What's your siblings' objection? - whatever it is, I'd bet they'd squeal a lot louder if you pointed out that travelling to share the care is also a choice and one you can't afford at the current rate. The burden is not equal and it isn't fair.

MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
Have you asked your father? If his health issue is cancer, his mind is fine, and money is not an issue, it’s something he can decide. No need for your brothers to judge.
teamcare Feb 2022
My father has always been very fair and his solution was to give us each $300 a week while we are here to cover our expenses. I don't feel this is fair because it still penalizes me while my siblings will be pocketing the funds. When I told him my feelings he said it is my choice to live in another state (which is exactly what my one sibling said so he may be parroting her).

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Bobby40 Feb 2022
I think this is called living with your choices. While it might be nice to be the only one reimbursed for travel, any suggestion of it should come from your siblings or father, not you.

If you feel you deserve something for driving 600 miles, then the sibling who drives for 90 minutes should also receive something.

Another alternative might be for you to spend two weeks when you are there which would cut your expenses in half. The other two siblings could still do the one week rotation when you aren't there.

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2022
The only behavior you can control is your own.

Tell your siblings that you can no longer participate in dad's care unless you are reimbursed for travel and lodging expenses.

Who has POA?
teamcare Feb 2022
My sibling that lives in town is his POA however, my dad is still making all the financial decisions as his mind is still sharp.
InFamilyService Feb 2022
A thought- see dad less & hire a caregiver for one of your alternate weeks?

Tell siblings you will have to cut back on visits due to the increasing expenses.

My sister lives 45 minutes away from mom & I have offered her gas reimbursement especially with the cost increasing. Families are selfish. They could at least pay half.

Rick10 Feb 2022
Well, if all three are reimbursed for travel regardless of distance, that would be fair. But I think you know that it would be near impossible to come to that agreement. At any rate, I would tell them you will have to cut back on your care visits and if finances are not a problem for your Dad then his estate can either pay for in home care or the other two can pick up the extra time. This is typical sibling squabbling. Like politics, if your mind is made up, facts only get in the way and we'll find justification for absolutely any situation. Its hard to come to a reasonable agreement...it's why we have so many lawyers because we can't see reason on our own. It's not the travel expenses that bother them, there are or family issues and the travel is just their focus for argumental purposes. Good luck because I see this already setting up for estate settlement issues after your Dad passes.

sp19690 Feb 2022
Based on some of the replies here you can see there are a lot of mentally ill posters so just ignore comments with phrases like you choose to live far away and the like.

You dont say if you are working or not but I can't imagine driving 600 miles every two weeks for over a year to care for dad who has been on hospice. It is unfair that all siblings are compensated equally when the distance for all three is so drastically different. Unfortunately if your father and other 2 siblings don't see this as unfair at this point they never will.

Oobviously hospice does not mean dying anytime soon as many posters have had a loved one on hospice for a really long time. You don't say what your father's illness is or the level of care required of you for the week you stay with him. Maybe the bigger issue is you are getting burnt out doing this as you never expected it to be ongoing for a year. How long can you continue this back and forth commuting is the bigger question.
notgoodenough Feb 2022
Dad is gifting EACH of his children $300 a month. How they spend it is not under his control, nor should it be any of his business.

In what world is that not fair? In fact, it seems to me that it's really the MOST equitable way of solving this.

OP's costs are being covered by this. Should his SIBLINGS be "punished" because they chose to live closer to dad?
Kmjfree Feb 2022
I don’t think it’s fair that you have to drive 600 miles every three weeks. You have every right to live where you choose. I think its amazing you have kept this up for a year. It seems to me your Dads payments are intended as reimbursements for his care and not really gifts so they should be based on expense and your expenses are clearly higher. it seems to me you are asking for a very minimal level of reimbursement and I think that is very fair.

ACaringDaughter Feb 2022
You moved away. Why should your siblings have to pay financially because you made that choice? If the situation was reversed (imagine one of them lived overseas) you might not be able to pay for their travel back.

These times are precious and worth every cent. Don’t miss your opportunity to be there because of money.
Countrymouse Feb 2022
The siblings aren't paying. Dad is paying - he is reimbursing all of his children their out-of-pocket expenses, and the OP's expenses are greater because she's further away, that's all.
Grandma1954 Feb 2022
You should be reimbursed.
Your dads assets should reimburse EACH person that is helping to care for him.
Mileage, check the IRS for current rates per mile for reimbursement.
You should each be paid for the care that you are giving. Check your local area for going rates that a caregiver would cost and his assets should be paying you for that as well.
If you happen to have to stay in a hotel during your travel from your home to your dads that should also be reimbursed as well.
And meals as well would be reimbursed.
This is not just for you but for your siblings as well.

OK...that is what I get for not reading all the other comments and posts.
You are being reimbursed. And your siblings are as well,.
I think that the $300 that is being given to each of you is fair. You can ask for a raise. Tell dad that gas used to be $2.29 a gallon it is now $4.20 and the other costs of the car have risen. But if dad does give you a "raise" in fairness he should give your siblings the same raise.
If you wish to reduce your cost rather than go as often as you do to help out take a "shift" from each of your siblings so you do an extra 2 weeks at once. That eliminates several trips for you and cuts costs.

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