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doncet72 Asked January 2022

How to care for caregiver and keep our marriage intact?

My 78-year-old MIL lives in a rural town about 6 hours from us whether by car or plane (door-to-door). She has no family or support network where she lives. There are no buses or taxis where she lives, and she is rapidly approaching the time when she should stop driving. She is very isolated and suspicious of everyone. She seems to have some normal-for-her-age cognitive decline, but appears to be of sound mind. MIL is not explicitly pressuring us to visit often, but she is clearly unable to continue handling her affairs on her own, a situation which will only continue to worsen.


MIL is an adult and certainly free to stay were she is, but we cannot visit her as often as were able to this past year, especially when we go back to the office in person. We have jobs and our own needs to tend to. But, my wife gets very defensive when I bring up my concerns. She feels that she cannot abandon MIL and must visit often to help her mother, despite the fact that MIL stood by for years and did little to stop FIL's physical and emotional abuse during childhood. (MIL also stopped talking to my wife for years after my wife came out of the closet.) It is hard to accept that my wife and I should now put our professional, physical, emotional, and financial needs on hold to allow her mother to continue living as she pleases. Especially when MIL did little to ensure my wife could live the life she wanted to live.


What can I do? I fear that supporting my wife unconditionally will only enable my MIL to continue to hold us hostage to her desires and will hurt my wife's and my well-being and our marriage. But I also fear that not supporting my wife unconditionally will also hurt our marriage and my wife's well-being. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation or how I can make sure my wife and I communicate productively about this are welcome.

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
Doncet, look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.)

Your poor wife has been groomed as a slave to mamma since childhood. There are no boundaries between her mother's wants and your wife's actions. Wife acts as if the world will end if mamma is not happy.

Find a good therapist with whom you can both share your feelings.
doncet72 Jan 2022
Hi BarbBrooklyn,

Thank you for the idea of going to couple's therapy to sort this out. It seems so obvious, but in my anguish about this it had not even occurred to me. :/
JoAnn29 Jan 2022
The moving MIL closer to you would be my choice. But, do not move her in with you because of past experiences with her.

The first thing your wife should do is ask Mom to assign her POA for finances and medical. At her age I would ask that it be immediate. Not so ur wife can take over immediately but so when Mom does show she is declining and needs more help, you don't need a doctor to formally sign off. "Springing" POAs need a doctor/s to say the person is incompetent. If MIL bulks at the idea, then explain if there is no POA assigned the State will take over her care if ever she needs it.

The problem your wife may have is she is still looking for love from someone who has no idea how to give it. Because of this, she will take what her Mom dishes out. There must be boundries and your wife sets them. Her mother will need your wife more than your wife needs her. And you will need to set boundries. You need to get on the same page.

Find out what resources are available to MIL where she lives. If you move her near, take advantage of what is out there. Your future is important. You will be 78 one day and will need the money you have saved to care for yourselves. Do not allow MIL to drain you.

The book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud is a good book according to my daughter.
doncet72 Jan 2022
Hi JoAnn29,

Fortunately my MIL does have a POA. That part is taken care of already. At least.

And thank you for the book recommendation. I will look into it!

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Toomush Feb 2022
You are looking down the road at some pretty unpleasant times, if you contemplate letting the MIL move in with you. Your wife will wreck your marriage if you make her have to choose. Head this off at the pass. Look for good Assisted Living situations near you. Offer to organize a moving van. Take positive steps that show you love her and are not dismissing her concerns, but that you didn't marry her mother, and have limits. This can't be easy...

Grandma1954 Jan 2022
Make your feelings known to your wife. And your concerns. And your fears.
Present options to her that might or might not be acceptable to either of you (actually all 3 of you...not all parties are happy when it comes to compromises)
As I see it the options might be..
1. MIL moves closer to the two of you. (that could be..)
a) Move in with you two.
b) Assisted or Independent Living near you.
2. The two of you look for work closer to your MIL.
3. See what is available in MIL's area and establish a network there that can help her manage day to day. Many things can be done remotely that can help MIL out. Meal delivery, grocery delivery. A caregiver that could come a few days a week to see how she is doing, take her shopping, do laundry and other things around the house. Your wife can manage bill paying and other things on line. Setting up cameras in the house to monitor her. Make a standing visit 1 time a month to check in and see how things are going in person.

One of the difficult things to establish is BOUNDARIES and making MIL understand what they are can be a daunting task.
doncet72 Jan 2022
Hi grandma1954! Thanks for your reply.

The suggestions you make in #3 are good ideas. Using technology to help with bill-paying, security monitoring, and other daily activities would help lessen the burden on my wife.

But my MIL refuses any of these solutions. And, my wife feels that she cannot force her mother to do anything she doesn't want to do. But, she is also aware that her mother needs help with these tasks. Help that can only be delivered in person given her mother's inflexibility. (And, traveling to visit her mother once a month is not even remotely a possibility.)

That is the crux of the problem: that my MIL is unwilling to be flexible, and my wife is unable or unwilling to set boundaries. And, I don't want the situation to destroy my wife or my marriage.
LMRLMR Feb 2022
Hello!
Please take the time to sit down with your wife for the purpose of having a discussion to outline your concerns, worries, needs for you, your wife, your marriage, your mil. Seek a counselor’s help and support. You will then have a base to work from as decisions are made to help. Good luck these are tough times, but you can get through it.

MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
This second post is my attempt to think through a way to approach this with your wife. They are suggestions, not ‘directions’.

Your wife W makes a list starting with what she is prepared to do for M’s benefit, and ending with what she is not prepared to do for M. (On a spreadsheet, you can insert new lines to the list as required!) W’s list may start with ‘whatever she needs’, and that has to be broken down. First, between ‘needs’ and wants’. It may help to start from the bottom up, what she is NOT prepared to do. For W, the sticking points may be more important that the general statements on the top.

You do the same yourself, separately. For you, the top may be as important as the sticking points, in your discussions. Then you compare. This has the advantage of thinking generally in advance, not facing the reasonable number of ceramic figurines to salvage in a crisis, and arguing about trivia.

This might work in a couple of ways:
1) It clarifies the issues and the sticking points for you and W.
2) It could lead to some compromises.
3) It saves a lot of time in presenting the issues if you do both go to a counselor.

When and if you can both come to a balance between you (with counseling if appropriate) that is what you discuss with M as the boundaries. If you can reach an agreement with her too, it’s a win-win-win. It may take more than one discussion with M, because it's a new way to look at things. If she won’t touch it and spits the dummy, then you and W have a clear issue about what takes priority – M or the marriage. You have both already agreed that your joint list is reasonable. You then have something quite different to present to M, for her to accept or reject. If she rejects a reasonable outcome, she needs to be left to manage her life on her own and on her own terms.

Perhaps these suggestions can help you to come up with a variation that might work for you. I hope it helps. Love, Margaret
Maryjann Feb 2022
Wow. That's very practical! I love it.
lkdrymom Feb 2022
Do not move closer to her or move her in with you. Both those need to be off the table.

Many of us have learned...you cannot change someone who does not want to change, so expecting your MIL to become flexible is probably not going to happen. What can happen is how your wife reacts to her. I agree with therapy, your wife is trying to earn her mother's love with tremendous inconvenience to herself so mom can stay nice and comfy. Wait for a calm time and talk to her about your concerns. Ask her why she gets so defensive over her mother not having things exactly the way she wants. Ask her why she seems to think her mother matters more than she does.

My father was only 20 miles away. He was not overly difficult, just needy as heck. I also had a childhood where I was always last on his list. Now that he was elderly and everyone was gone, I was the focal point of his life....and I was not having any of it. I don't forget the past. With that said he was always on my mind. Managing his life weighed on me 24/7 and I remember how bad and anxious I felt all the time. It is not an easy thing to live with.

Mepowers Feb 2022
The fact that you are asking the question seems to indicate that the situation is already taking a toll on your marriage and relationship. Your wife is only trying to be the supportive daughter for someone who was not supportive of her. However that often leads to disaster as the mother’s situation and health will only go downhill. Your wife’s intentions are good, but she is walking into a hornets nest of problems to come. You haven’t said if your wife is experiencing any personal stress or anxieties while trying to manage her mother’s care needs.

As a spouse you have the right to express your needs and expectations. Your wife needs to consider a practical plan for her mother’s care, and for the future of your marriage. As this may be new to your wife, it will become more and more of a burden as time goes on. Help your wife by setting some healthy boundaries.

rosadelima Feb 2022
You have received a ton of great advice here. I just wanted to add, as a daughter and a wife in my own triangle of responsibilities and attachments, try not to make your wife feel that she has to choose between the two of you. She has enough love for all of you. If you guys seek counseling, then you can come up with several possibilities moving forward. Compromise compromise compromise. And be flexible, because sometimes the first plan doesn’t work and something needs to be adjusted. As your MIL continues to age, things get harder, not easier, but if you have created a strong foundation between you and your wife, you will be able to weather the storm.

MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
First, sympathy. Next some ideas. While of course your situation is unique, it has aspects like at least two other common and important issues.

1) Your wife was not well treated as a child and young adult, and is now trying to get the approval and love that she missed out on then. There are many many stories showing that this rarely works out. She can try and try, and will never get what she needs. Even if her mother changes (which isn’t likely), the reconciliation comes too late to solve the real problem, which is the past. Even if she does every single thing that her mother wants (demands?), it will never be good enough for her mother, based on years of experience.

2) In a marriage, the partner must come first. You didn’t marry her mother. If your marriage comes second to what mother wants (note- wants, not needs), you are better off out of it, painful though it will be. MIL can live for 10 to 20 years. What is left of your marriage after that?

Find some of those old threads, think about how they may be relevant to your situation, and where they fit into any discussion you are going to have with your wife.

I’m thinking some more, and will post again about strategies. Yours, Margaret
Maryjann Feb 2022
I've always thought that. A person makes a vow to a spouse, not to a parent. It's good to be supportive of a parent, but the person to whom one has PROMISED to be loving and caring and to just be there is the person to whom one owes first loyalty. Just my opinion.
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