Where do I begin? I am the only one who is able to care for both parents and my brother who is blind. I had another brother that passed away in a Veterans Nursing Home. I retired from my job (which I loved) to be available for them. I live 4 hours away. I’ve been staying at their house to help. I left my boyfriend and younger son to be here. Younger son is 25 so he’s fine but I just miss him and all my friends. I would never abandon my parents but I’m just stuck. Also, I’m also 58 so not a spring chicken! They don’t really want help other than me and refuse assisted living! I don’t know what I’m really asking…just venting and advice!
Yeah, well, we don’t all get what we want for Christmas, do we? My own mom has a saying: God doesn’t give you what you want. God gives you what you NEED.
And what do they really need? Your brother needs a housekeeper. Your parents need assisted living. If you cave and cave, and give, and give, one day you’ll wake up and wonder where your life has gone.
I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
I think you should pretend you’re reading your own post, but that it’s written by someone else. What advice would you give? Would you tell them to stay and grin and bear it because it’s a daughter’s duty? I sure as hell hope not. Be strong and brave and take your own advice and then maybe you’ll sleep again at night.
Regardless, move back home and retake your life. There are plenty of options for your parents to get assistance that don't involve you destroying your own life.
Please listen to the great advice you've been given.
Warning ⚠️ Hard questions coming your way;
Yet you have abandoned your own life.. why?
Does your parents & brother's lives matter more than yours?
Do they have alternatives for care?
What if you didn't exist? What would they do?
Is the only way to show that you love them to provide hands-on care?
Could you still love them & not be the hands-on help?
And finally, can you fix their physical ailments & aging?
Is this actually about your parents & brother accepting their reality & making changes to their lives?
By you stepping in the be a buffer, will this delay their adjustment?
Sorry if you find me way too harsh today 😔. I honestly wish someone had asked me those questions many years back.. but I lived & learned. From a reformed *must help & fixer* now *Advocate* 🤗
in particular:
“Yet you have abandoned your own life.. why?”
You are only 58 and have given up your home, your relationship with your boyfriend, your son, your job, an income. Basically everything you love to take care of your dad, mom and brother.
What have they given up for you?
Do you see the disconnect between what you are doing to make them happy and what they are doing to make you happy?
Are you willing to do this for 5,10,20 years or more? Eventually their care will make it so they will all have to go into care eventually. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable and losing everything in the meantime.
There is nothing wrong with assisted living. If they require assdistance to live day to day then they need to go into assisted living so you can get your life back. Good luck.
i hope your LOs have money, so they can hire competent/trustworthy in-home care (some people are thieves, so choose carefully).
—your parents don’t want outside help? point out that surely they don’t want to make you drown, steal your whole life.
please don’t sacrifice yourself. not another daughter sacrificed.
how many millions of daughters have been sacrificed, from generation to generation.
yes, let’s help family. help yourself, too.
i like this a lot, what daughterof1930 wrote:
“Please protect your health and future, you only have it once.”