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BreakingFree Asked January 2022

Parents want to move with me as I return to the city from a farm. I tell them that I'm moving alone. I'm being cast as the villain. Advice?

Is it wrong that I want to enforce boundaries and live my life for me so I don't end up like them? They are overly obese, riddled with health problems, extremely toxic and refuse to accept responsibility. I am 46. I have time to revamp my life to not head down their path. Why do I feel I am not allowed this? My brother took off to another province and is a multimillionaire. I have a chronic pain condition and am on disability.


I guess I am seeking validation or to vent. I feel helpless and that none of my family care about the burden they are placing on me.

Daughterof1930 Jan 2022
Your brother has made his own choices and you’re free to do the same. Don’t accept guilt, taking care of yourself isn’t wrong. It’s on your parents to figure out the help they need and acquire it.

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
BF, the "values" that you had drilled into you benefit ONLY your parents, not you.

Children are not a retirement plan; their plan seems to involve you becoming their nanny/slave.

Nope. Don't do it.

Sad that your brother reneged on his offer of support, but leaving that aside, there is no earthly reason that you should subject yourself to being at the beck and call of toxic individuals, even if they are your parents.

Simply saying "no, I don't care to do that" is sufficient. If they rattle on about, tell them that you are making your own arrangements and they are free to make theirs. Perhaps give them the phone number of social services. And then either leave or hang up. Don't engage.

You are an adult. You get to decide what you want to do--and what you DON'T want to do.

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Countrymouse Jan 2022
Sometimes a plan is so preposterous I find myself grinning from ear to ear and chortling helplessly. I know it doesn't look like a kind response but to me it's the one the plan deserves.

So. Your parents' plan is that you now invest in a grand family home where you will care for them with the privilege of being allowed to live in the basement. Really? Sweet of them to think of you.

Nah. If they want to move so that they're not too far away from you, which is not unreasonable, they'd do better to set themselves up in appropriate, adapted living facilities where they will have access to support and services that help them function as an independent unit. Meanwhile, leading your new life, you will perhaps come once again to enjoy spending actual family time with them.

Does the city you have in mind offer retirement communities/facilities that look promising?

Values shmalues. Focus on the practicalities. You don't want them guilting you at an inconvenient distance, and on the other hand if you're not over-burdened with responsibility for their lives you may well find that you want to stay involved. You know what they say about keeping your friends close..?
Beatty Jan 2022
Yes! I too was goggle-eyed with shock/inappropriate laughter at the suggestion the OP buy parents a home & live in the basement. I pictured the house complete with the old servant bell system.. ding ding, Mother will take her tea now. Then her pillows plumped & her feet massaged..

I also agree, that with good functioning boundaries, a good family relationship may continue.

The ability of the parents to adjust to aging & downsize etc may hinge on who is 'driving'? If Mother (with cognitive decline) is in the driver seat - look out.
AlvaDeer Jan 2022
Please continue with your plans. A member who often answers on forum has the advice that when you are labeled as the villian your should "embrace it; live it". I think that is sound advice. Let them know when you are leaving. That gives them time to arrange their lives. Let your brother know. Let them know it isn't open to discussion or argument, that you will be leaving. Stay calm and kind and claim the life you have a right to live. If you are the scapegoated victim in this family there is no way but to walk out into the wilderness on your own. Embrace that and make a life. Tell them you love them but you will not sacrifice your life to them. Parents are obligated to raise us. We are NOT obligated to then care for them. We are obligated to make solid worthwhile lives with family of our own, whether blood or friends, and to contribute to the greater whole. I sure wish you luck.
By the way, you feel you are not allowed this because they RAISED you to feel you are not allowed.

Beatty Jan 2022
Let the re-vamp begin! Like a wonderful butterfly, about to fly off towards your new life 🦋

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
Just leave.

So what if they "cast you as the villain"?

Call whatever social services organization assists vulnerable seniors and let them know that your parents will be without help as of your move out date.

funkygrandma59 Jan 2022
Your family can only place the burden on you if you allow them to. And perhaps you feel that you're not allowed to live your life the way you see fit, because you don't believe that you're worthy.
But I'm here to tell you that you are worthy, so get out there and start living and enjoying your life!!!
You are not your parents keeper. They are grown adults and should start acting as such.
Your brother was smart to move away and live his own life. Now it's your turn to do the same. I wish you the very best on your new life journey!

NYDaughterInLaw Jan 2022
No one is forcing you to take care of your parents and deal with their dysfunction. You *choose* to do it. At 46, you know how to make different choices and what you want to do. It's your life, not theirs and not your brother's.

Your anger at your brother is misplaced. No one forced you to apologize to him and fall on your sword. He has made his choices and you're angry that he has moved on with his life. Yet you want the same freedom he has taken for himself.

You are only as helpless as you allow yourself to be. As long as you choose to accept the burden, nothing will change. It's a new year. It's a great time to prepare to move on with your life.
rovana Jan 2022
I believe there is a saying: "Freedom is not given, it must be taken." You need not ask anyone's permission. As for family values: I always recommend that when in doubt, you talk to someone who is a sound spiritual adviser, because all too often these "values" are NOT morally sound, they are in fact secular propaganda all too often meant to exploit people. There simply are not issues with should cause you to feel guilty.
Countrymouse Jan 2022
*Return* to the city?

Correct me where wrong, please: you and brother were born and raised in rural Canada. As adults, you children moved away. Brother went his way; you went yours; you came back to live with your parents (why?); he didn't, and has no intention of again getting involved.

I can't see, at first sight anyway, why your brother has any responsibility in this situation, so let's leave him out of it.

Are there any other family members - aunts, uncles, cousins - on the scene? Is your home properly isolated or part of a community? If your parents are contemplating moving with you, what circumstances have they in mind?

If you have the opportunity to move on and reboot your life, you should take it. No arguments there. But if you would like to fill in the gaps and say more about what's happened and what you would like to happen, I hope we'll be able to offer far more in the way of support.
BreakingFree Jan 2022
I wasn't clear. I apologize.

My parents moved from our local city to a small town upon retirement. I bought a farm about 20min away, 12 years ago. I am selling it and returning to the city. My parents wish to piggyback on my plans and have me purchase a house that suits all of their needs and I live in a basement suite while they take main suite.

My brother agreed to participate in their care as they aged. He was going to financially support, Id be the one here. He doesn't do any of what he agreed to... but apparently me inheriting our parents hoarding filled house is my "reward".

On my mothers side, she only has an older sister, 2 provinces away, who is even more toxic than my mother is.

My dad isn't too bad. But I can't take him without her.

Their home is in a small town and not far from one of dad's brothers and one of his sisters... but neither even visit them.

The issue is my mother.

I was distraught when initially posting and left gaps in the narrative. I am not a weak individual nor unable to establish boundaries... its having them respected that is the challenge. I do not seek to be martyred nor play a victim. I am simply overwhelmed and struggle to see a solution given my circumstances.

By posting, I was hoping for some strategies and I guess permission somehow that the supposed "family values" I had drilled into me are okay to break to save my own sanity and live life.
JoAnn29 Jan 2022
"My parents wish to piggyback on my plans and have me purchase a house that suits all of their needs and I live in a basement suite while they take main suite."

This cracked me up too. Your brother is a multimillionaire and they expect you to buy them a house and you live in the basement.

If Mom is 72 then Dad cannot be much older. He needs to care for her that's what being married means. Children are to grow up and make lives of their own. You don't have to physically care for your parents. You don't have to live with them nor them with you. You can be there for them. Find resources they need. But your life does not revolve around them.

Move back to the city. Make a list of resources in their area. Make sure they have brother's phone#. Remind them they have 2 children and one is a multi-millionaire. If they need any help financially they need to call him.

"My brother agreed to participate in their care as they aged. He was going to financially support, Id be the one here. He doesn't do any of what he agreed to... but apparently me inheriting our parents hoarding filled house is my "reward."

Don't you just love people who plan ur life for you. Move back to the City. Brother can hire people to care for Mom without lifting a finger. He can hire someone to oversee their care.

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