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Rosewater Asked December 2021

Have to move mom into AL, don't think I have a choice anymore. Advice?

So I've been on this forum for a while, going through the Hell of dealing with my mom's decline after having two strokes within a year and developing vascular dementia. I gave up my job, and since we already lived together I devoted myself to being her full-time caregiver, believing the hospital when they told me that she needed time and rest and she would get better. She hasn't. To say that the past month has been hard would be a dramatic understatement. Mom is not to blame for anything because I know she can't help it, but it's been impossibly painful and difficult nonetheless. Mom is incapable of taking care of any of her personal needs, and I'm pretty sure that her meds are to blame for this but she has had uncontrolled diarrhea at least two or three times per day for a while. I tried contacting her doctor about it but they are incredibly slow. A few days ago she woke up very disoriented, aggressive, and when I tried to tell her we needed to go to the hospital, she grabbed my wrists and squeezed until bruises appeared, then spit in my face when I called 911. They admitted her to the hospital and, shocker to no one, she has another UTI. She keeps getting infections because she is unaware of proper bathroom habits and, as much as I try to keep her clean, I cannot do so 24/7. She is restless at night, wanders our small apartment like she's lost, and most frighteningly tried to go out the front door about a week ago. I have tried my best to take care of her, but with her third hospital visit in two months, I have to face facts that it's not working. I am also trying to take care of myself and as a type 2 diabetic I am suffereing big time. I am exhausted, depressed, stressed to the max and now I am worried about her safety as well as her health. She is currently in the hospital, and I have made the decision to keep her there until she can be placed in an assisted living facility, at least for the time being. I never, ever wanted my mom to go to a home, but I truly do not see any other alternative. In addition, since she didn't sign up for Medicare and she has too much money in her savings for Medicaid, we now have to spend most of her money (and my entire inheritance) to private pay for a facility until her assets reach $2,000, at which point Medicaid will kick in. So now I'm jobless, terrified, wracked by guilt and sadness and fear and uncertainty, and I have to go tour an assisted living facility tomorrow. I hope I can do so without vomiting. My mom is only 65 and I'm only 37, and yet I feel like my life is total chaos and every ounce of security that I've ever had is gone. I don't see an alternative to my decision, but I also don't see any scenario in which mom and I will be happy. Strokes and dementia are unbearably cruel.

Grandma1954 Dec 2021
It has reached a point where it is no longer safe for you to have her at home. It is not safe for her. It is not safe for you. You, if you were to keep her at home would need help daily and if she wanders at night you would most likely need help over night.
At 37 you are far too young to give up your life to care for your mom. I am sure if you were to get in Sherman and Peabody’s wayback machine (and you will have to google that cuz you are too young to have seen the show) and ask your mom if she would want you to give up your job, your life to care for her I am 99.99% sure she would not want that for you.
You can be her advocate, care manager you don’t have to be a full time caregiver.
Look for a Memory Care facility that will take care of her, they can be the caregivers and you can be her daughter.

PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
She sounds like she is beyond an AL. I would look into an SNF.

Meanwhile, do not feel guilty. Because it should go like this:

Step 1: The senior is legally independent in their own home. At which point do stuff for them as you are able, but you're not their unpaid workhorse. They should be thanking you at Step 1 or even perhaps slipping you some pin money for this.

Step 2: The senior's needs have devolved so that they want you or need you to do everything. That should only be done if you have POA over everything if you're supposed to do everything. They should be grateful. If they are not but are acting up, and if fecal or violent behavior is involved, there is no choice but...

Step 3: They need to go into a facility. By this time it's not usually AL, but usually the best memory care or SNF she can afford, and if not the family can make sure she gets one of the nicer medicaid beds. They should still be grateful, but if they haven't through 1 and 2, I doubt it would hold true in Stage 3.

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97yroldmom Dec 2021
Rosewater
You and your mom are young. Your mom could live a long time regardless of her present condition. That takes money. I suggest you seek the assistance of a certified elder attorney to help you navigate your moms care financially and legally. She won’t be the first person to have a catastrophic event occur at retirement age.
Each persons state laws and personal circumstances are unique and this collective forum, while knowledgable of their own personal experiences, can’t give you the level of advice you need now. There is no place more expensive than the hospital to have her placed in a holding pattern and in spite of what you want to do, it’s doubtful they will allow her to stay there if no additional treatment is called for at
this time. They will be ruthless in trying to get their money reimbursed. I am sorry for what you are going through but pull yourself together and get the (assumed) insurance benefits your mom is entitled to. You have nothing more important to do than act on this immediately. Dont let yourself get distracted or hooked into others opinions. It’s time for action in order for you and mom to have a better life. Being in assisted living is a good thing, not a bad thing but it’s really only for those who can afford it. Seek legal counsel.

Becky04473 Dec 2021
The money is for your mother’s care. It doesnt become your inheritance until she passes. If she runs out of money she can get Medicaid.

You’re a good daughter. You have nothing to feel guilty about when you place your mother. You’re seeing that she gets the care she needs.

ZippyZee Dec 2021
You've done all you can, and there isn't any better alternative. You're making the right choice.

Isthisrealyreal Dec 2021
Get mom enrolled in Medicare. She has 3 months prior to, the month of and 3 months after turning 65 to enroll with no penalty. That is 7 months, hopefully, she falls in this time frame, if not, it is what it is and she pays the price for not following the rules. Her rate will depend on her tax return 2 years prior to turning 65, so, yes, she could be looking at fairly expensive insurance because of the surcharges but, it will be way cheaper then 1 hospital stay. Find an insurance broker to help you choose what is right for her right now.

Medicaid may require her to sign up, ask them, because it gets more expensive the longer you wait. They may refuse certain coverage because she is eligible and not signed up with Medicare, coverage is not guaranteed by Medicaid, do everything you can to mitigate the situation.

I can't feel sorry that mom has to use her money for her care and you don't get an inheritance. Put your big girl panties on and earn your living and retirement, it is your responsibility to provide for your future.
Rosewater Dec 2021
Wow, thanks for all the judgment. You know, a lot of people come on to this forum because they feel free to share openly and admit even their darker feelings, which we all have. "She pays the price for not following the rules", huh? Well, not that it's any or your business but she didn't sign up for Medicare in time because SHE HAD HER FIRST STROKE BEFORE THE DEADLINE AND DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. You might know that if you had bothered to ask instead of just making an assumption. I was not aware of the deadline rules until they were already up and I was going through her old mail trying to help her and get both of our lives on track. In addition, if I didn't have my "big girl panties" on I wouldn't have stepped up to the plate and basically dropped my entire life to take care of this woman that I love more than anyone else in the world. I do not think that it is selfish or immature at all to mourn the loss of an inheritance, my mom often told me that she was saving that money for that reason specifically and that she was proud of that fact. Again, not that it's any of your business, but I've worked my a** off my entire adult life and have always paid my own way, until I had to give up a well-paying job and spend my own savings taking care of my mom. She is worth every penny we both have and more, and I was simply distressed at the prospect of no longer having a financial cushion for either of us. It's because of people like you that some people are afraid to share on sites like this. You, judge without knowing the circumstances, and you try to make good people feel bad for having human emotions and thoughts that we all have at one point or another. I am going through the worst ordeal of my entire life, in a life that has been filled with tragedy and hardship, and the very LAST thing I need is for some stranger to come at me with a bunch of critiques.
Grandmaofeight Dec 2021
I am sorry you have to make a tough decision like this. My Mother and Father went into an assisted living facility over two years ago. I looked at many facilities near them in Delaware and settled on a newly opened facility 1/2 mile from me. My parents did not have dementia but the facility has a memory care wing.

do not feel guilt over this decision. She can’t make it for herself and it is clear she will be safer in a facility with people trained to deal with her situation. You can go back to work and take better care of yourself which will enable you to take better care of her.

Dad just passed away and my Mom is on Hospice but stable. I see her most days, I handle all the finances, bills, etc. and try to make sure she has a good quality of life. We don’t dump them at the door and leave. We still care for them but the medical help is there.

lealonnie1 Dec 2021
You're very right; strokes & dementia are unbearably cruel. But what you're doing to yourself here is also unbearably cruel! Mom needs 24/7 care now that you simply cannot provide, being only one person with 2 hands. You'll burn out and collapse, and then what? A 'home' is the only alternative you have, in reality. And you've attached SUCH a stigma to managed care that you're making yourself sick over the prospect of placing her! Stop doing that! Understand and realize that it's the right choice for your mom now. See an eldercare attorney, as has been suggested to you here, and then proceed accordingly. I doubt mom is Assisted Living material; it sounds like she needs Skilled Nursing at this point, but look at Morningstar Assisted Living because they DO take residents who require more care than usual.

Here is what I found in Bellingham Washington when I Googled it:
Morningstar Senior Living LLC
2315 Williams St, Bellingham, WA 98225
(360) 920-9598

Give them a call & see what they have to say; if they'll do an assessment on your mom (as all ALs will do before they agree to accept a resident) and what the monthly charges will be.

So try to change your thinking and redirect it now; understand that mom will be getting the kind of care she needs, and you can go back to being the daughter again instead of her full time caregiver. Then you can go visit her whenever you want and bring her small gifts & spend some quality time together w/o the anxiety and worry about how to clean her up and care for her needs all by yourself. You're not doing a 'bad' thing; you're doing a kind thing.

My mother is very ill with advanced dementia & a ton of other health issues & has lived in AL since 2014, and now Memory Care since 2019. It's been the best, most life saving decision for BOTH of us, honestly. She gets great care, and I get to live a life while still managing HERS from home. It's not like we 'give up' on them; just that we allow teams of caregivers and nurses to do the hands on caring for us. Please recognize that and let yourself heal from the guilt you've heaped onto yourself unnecessarily. You didn't ask for your mom to get sick but sick she is, and this is what's necessary for her wellbeing.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
rovana Dec 2021
You are right - the thing to concentrate is getting the best care for mom and that is not necessarily in her/your home. And OP must care for herself.
Ariadnee Dec 2021
Wow....so sorry to read what you are going through. That is a lot. But, it does seem like you have a very workable, thought out plan. Keep Mom in the hospital. Found an assisted living facility for her, I hope the tour goes well at the facility, ask lots of questions and if possible look at another facility just for comparison sake. I would talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder law to find out about fiances and your rights. Good luck tomorrow!
rovana Dec 2021
Ariadne, there may be no possibility of keeping mom in an acute care hospital, unless she is being actually treated. And it would be expensive since she would be private paying.
SnoopyLove Dec 2021
Rosewater, please don’t feel guilty. Your mom is lucky to have such a caring daughter. You stepped up to the best of your ability and now you will help her in a different way.

About the job offer you turned down, when things are more sorted out is it possible to check and see if that employer might still be interested? My impression is that there are a lot of businesses looking to hire good people now.
bundleofjoy Dec 2021
“Rosewater, please don’t feel guilty. Your mom is lucky to have such a caring daughter.”

totally agree.
you really, really tried rosewater.

i guess you have considered also the idea of hiring professional caregivers to come to the house? sometimes that’s cheaper/better than a facility.

but i understand, sometimes the situation has gone too far/there are too many problems/illness too deep/too dangerous, and a facility is needed.

i wish you well, and your mother too!!
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