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texasrdr22 Asked November 2021

Move Mom?

Mom is 91 and has been in a Memory Care facility within 5 miles of my home since March of this year. She fell and broke her hip there, was in the hospital for surgery and then rehab for a month, then returned to the Memory Care facility. While she seemed to be doing well before the fall, when she returned everything seemed different. The people she had "hung out" with didn't seem to remember her (and she, them). Since she now was in a wheelchair and not on a walker, she was not as mobile as before.


The facility where she is now is expensive and continually having caregiver turnover. I know this is the case everywhere, but it is frustrating because continuity of caregivers is so important to a person with dementia.


I try to visit every day, and lately I have been seeing fairly substantial bruises on Mom's legs and arms. She had a cut over her right eye and a cut and bruise under her chin with bruises on her neck like someone grabbed her around the throat. Of course, none of the caregivers saw or know anything about these bruises! Didn't happen on their shift. Right.


Mom is not being showered. I know this because I do her laundry since they lost a large part of her clothes and bed linens when they did her laundry the first week there. I have seen no used towels or bed linens for three weeks. When I ask about this, I get the same "Let me ask so-and-so" reply. Or, "We can't force her if she does not want a shower." No one ever gets back to me. I finally got Home Health to send a shower aide! Now insurance is stopping that since she lives in a place with 24/7 care (supposedly).


She developed pressure sores because they "forgot" to reposition her in her chair regularly. I've asked them to put her on the couch or in a chair regularly to change her position. Not happening. I've asked them to toilet her after each meal and check her throughout the day for wetness. She has had a UTI four times in the 7 months she has been there. Almost every time I visit, she is wet.


There are only 13 residents in this Memory Care house with two caregivers per shift. We are supposed to have three, but they have yet to replace the House Manager who quit unexpectedly a few months ago. Yes, I have expressed my concerns to the caregivers, the Executive Director, the nurse who cares for residents in ALL SEVEN houses. I get lots of promises but no follow-through. I am currently looking at other places to move Mom and am trying to decide between a Group Home care or another Memory Care facility that Home Health nurses say has much better care than where Mom is now.


My concern is how it will effect Mom's dementia to be moved to a different place. She has deteriorated so much since being placed in Memory Care. Will she get enough stimulation in a place with only 6 people and two caregivers? This is so hard.

Daughterof1930 Nov 2021
I’d move her. My mom was dead weight, a two person transfer for every move, couldn’t reposition at all, and in four years there was never once a pressure sore. Good care prevents this most of the time. Once she’s moved report the place to the state board

Daughterinlaw56 Nov 2021
I would trust your gut. Can you have nanny cams in her room? I only ask this because a staff at MIL MC facility suggested this to us….not for abuse but to see if she really is moving around like they say or is she just sitting in her chair all day. We are not at that point yet but this facility does have something we can get installed….almost like Alexa nest where you can drop in anytime theough video.
texasrdr22 Nov 2021
We do have a camera in her room but when the caregivers take her out to the main area for meals, they tend to just leave her out there around the TV. I don't see them bring her back in to toilet her after meals or anytime, really. I never see them reposition her in bed during the night.

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Lizbitty Nov 2021
Your gut is telling you to move her. I always listen to my gut. She rarely does me wrong.

I was worried about my MIL’s dementia moving in with us, but she’s taken everything we worried about in stride. For a few days in the beginning she missed her “friends”, her neighbors at her condo. She doesn’t even remember them anymore. Her room in our home is now like the only home she’s ever known, and we worried if she’d have trouble adjusting.

She’ll adjust. Safe and sound is best. I’d move her, me.
texasrdr22 Nov 2021
Thanks for the reply. I would love to have Mom at my home but I cared for her for 5 years and could no longer do it (I am 72). The doors here are not wide enough for a wheelchair and the bathrooms would have to be redone to accommodate her needs. The Group Home I am considering is within walking distance of my house but it just seemed so depressing.
cwillie Nov 2021
It sounds to me as though your mom really needs nursing home level of care.
Most memory care facilities seem to offer assisted living level of care and although they may promise they can care for people until end of life they are not really staffed nor have the appropriate equipment for those with higher physical needs.
texasrdr22 Nov 2021
There is really nothing physically wrong with her other than lack of strength in her legs. After her second broken hip, she appears to be really afraid of falling again and does not even want to try to stand and walk. We have had PT for a few months to work with Mom but, lately, she seems to have forgotten how to stand and walk. So sad. In my opinion, the problem is the caregivers and lack of training and not enough of them.
PeggySue2020 Nov 2021
My best friend put her mom into a board and care with six residents. It was just like a regular house run by a family as a business.

There were no complaints about her laundry or hygiene help or anything like that. They did attempt to force feed her at the end. Bestie and doctor put an end to that, and she peacefully passed.
texasrdr22 Nov 2021
I certainly think with fewer residents to care for, caregivers in a Group Home would be able to provide better care for Mom. The one I am looking at has no activities. The residents either sit in front of the TV or stay in their rooms and sleep. Yes, my Mom did not really take part in any of the Memory Care activities (Trivia? Really?) but the activities were available if she wanted to take part. There are also parties and celebrations at Memory Care for holidays, etc., but nothing like that at the Group Home. She also has lots of room at Memory Care to propel herself around with her feet but this would not be the case at someone's house. I know in my gut what needs to be done, but doing it is a different story.

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