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CTYankeeinOR Asked August 2021

Am I wrong for not staying with my mom when she screams and won't let me touch her? I feel I need to get away from her.

Today was a bad day, mom couldn't get out of bed. It was very hot and humid, so that might have had some effect. She just got up, got out of the bed, to her commode, and back. She struggles to get comfortable, and won't let me touch her or help in any way. Then she gets mad at me when I walk away after I know she is safe. I guess she expects me to sit there and listen to her complain. She's always this way, but occasionally shows signs of gratitude. Last night, she apologized to my sister and I in her unique way. PT came over yesterday and she was able to get in her wheelchair, in the shower, and back in her chair. PT thinks it's probably more mental than physical (no dementia). She almost makes it, then quits and falls back in her chair. She can do it if she tries. I understand she is in pain, so I try to be accommodating. I have learned patience and to keep my cool. I am doing everything I can to keep her comfortable. I bought a small foam mattress with 6 heating zones and some vibrating things that will fit in her recliner. Sorry for venting like this.

LoopyLoo Aug 2021
Don't apologize for venting! Venting is a big reason why this site exists in the first place!

Kelkel Aug 2021
My mother is very independent & wants to do everything on her own. I learned when she gets like your mother, to just back off. So I stop talking except for short positive words & I tell her it’s whatever she wants to do. Then I just agree with her & she feels more relaxed & does it her way. My mother does have dementia & it’s advanced but her true spirit comes out when she wants to walk from her bedridden state. And she does, at least once a week. She’s a fighter. But anyway, just let her lead. Also you might get some fans if it’s hot & humid inside. Comfort is a huge part of making moms feel better! :) Nice purchase for winter btw!

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JoAnn29 Aug 2021
No you aren't wrong. Once you know she is comfortable then leave. Maybe she'll

Lizbitty Aug 2021
A few years ago I had gallbladder removal surgery. I was 9 months postpartum, and they forced me to stop nursing because of the pain meds. The meds they did give me weren’t strong enough. One thing I vividly recall is how much of an absolute misery I was to be around because I was in so much pain. I felt sorry for my husband, and my 9 month old baby (who would get so mad at me, because he only wanted me to pick him up and hold him, which I literally could not do), but I was grouchy, and snippy, and harped on every little thing. I was such a mega bitch.

It was the pain. It changed me as a person.

Now, if I were you, I’d have a very frank talk with her doctor about upping her pain meds so she’s happy. At her age, you hardly need to worry about her becoming addicted, or it destroying her liver…. You want the winter of her life to be a joy, not a misery.

Best of luck.
CTYankeeinOR Aug 2021
Thank you so much for the wise advice. The oxycondone seems to work, but she only wants it once a night (some occasions twice). None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Her vital signs are still good (under the circumstances), but that really doesn't mean anything. She wants to go home and be left alone, understandable but impossible. She wants to be with my dad and be at peace. They were married for over 65 years. They used to fight like cats and dogs growing up. My mom threw a knife at my former wife thinking it was my dad. My dad passed peacefully in his sleep, with my mom holding his hand next to him. We all deserve a peaceful passing. I want my mom to to pass like my dad. With family close by and peaceful. We don't choose the time of transitioning. I made my peace with her and know I did everything I could. Sure I made mistakes, we all do. I will follow up with her PCP with your suggestion.

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