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stuckandidkUwU Asked June 2021

I want out. I am being guilted to help take care of an aging person, without pay. It's sexist too, because girl equals better care. Advice?

I live in a house with two ill people, one is better than the other and doesn't require assistance beyond getting stuff for her and helping her find things. The other is bed confined and I have to help clean up with bathroom things. My brother lives here too but he sleeps all day, and so I am always called to do things, and it feels like it back to back so when for example one needs help wiping their...things...I would be just washing my hands before I am being called else where. And when I think oh boy I maybe will be able to sleep tonight lol nope because at 3 am I am being woken up for one of them, despite my brother staying up all night, because, I am DEPENDABLE.
I wouldn't be so mad if people had work shared equally, were both over the age of 18, but all I get is thank yous, and no solutions.


It's not fair that I have to do everything, simply on the grounds that I have a vagina. It's pretty sexist to think just because I am a woman, means I have to put up with the bulk of caregiving. I wouldn't care if I got monetarily compensated if because woman=must do caregiving, but thats not the point. I am tired of being expected, no obligated, to just put up with it because I am a woman. It'd be much more fair if the brother was made to step in and do some of it, especially at night seeing I am lucky to get even 3 hours of sleep befrore being woken up again. Especially because he's up anyway. When I broach the subject I get shut down, so it's obvious I am needing to find an out, because truthfully I am very stressed out with the amount obligation I am being made to endure. I don't mind helping if people did their fair share, and were more considerate of the fact such constant demands that infringe on even the basic capacity of me sleeping, only does more harm in the long run by burning me out faster. I keep get weird heart murmurs because of the stress, I'm only 24 I shouldn't be having this, and binge eating to cope with it. I guess I want someone to tell me I am not a bad person for thinking these things.

NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Wow! I think anyone who reads your posts will feel your pain. There is truly only one solution here that will absolutely work. MOVE OUT ASAP!

This is too much for anyone to do. I think you are smart, because as you said in a posting, you know your limitations. I also see you as a compassionate person, but your family has expected you to go beyond your limits. Don’t accept what they are dishing out.

Yes, it’s sexists behavior. That is typical of extreme fundamentalist religious fanatics and old fashioned thinkers.

I used to go backpacking with my friends in my youth. It’s a lot of fun. I hope that you are able to enjoy that again. You deserve it.

Fortunately, you didn’t drink the kool aid and haven’t been indoctrinated into your family’s extreme religious beliefs. I am not trying to be disrespectful of anyone else’s faith. I don’t care if a person wishes to worship a tree in their backyard as their higher power. I am a ‘live and let live’ type of person. Others don’t have any right to push or force their beliefs on anyone, especially if they try to guilt others into believing that they will burn in hell.

Ultimately, this force feeding will only push people away but extreme fundamentalists don’t desire to change their behavior, and continue to push their beliefs onto others, no matter how futile it may be. They are brainwashed. It’s sad and infuriating at the same time.

If a baby is over fed they will throw up. That’s where you are at this point. You have had enough and I can’t say that I blame you.

My daughters are just a little older than you. I would never ask them to be a caregiver to myself or anyone else in need. Are my kids selfish? Absolutely not! They have always volunteered in the community. They saw my husband and I volunteer throughout their lives. Volunteer for something that is meaningful to you, not something that is destroying your spirit and self worth.

Holding on doesn’t make us stronger in every situation. Letting go does. It takes strength walk away. Find your inner strength to walk away. Don’t let them guilt you any longer. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have done far more than your share. They will find help after you leave. Tell them to call Council on Aging or a social worker to make arrangements and be done with it all.

You know that you aren’t going to hell. Personally, I like something that my grandpa always said. Heaven and hell are right here on earth. This has been your hell! Backpacking was your heaven! I believe in an afterlife but not the way they preach about it.

You’re going to get back on track after you leave this situation. The first thing that you need is sleep! Prolonged sleep deprivation is torture.

Create your own path. Live your life on your terms.

Best wishes to you. Take care.
stuckandidkUwU Jun 2021
my dad isn't messed up, he thought the aunt was the closest, its just my mom dying of a terminal illness, wrecked his finances, so he had to go and get a better paying job else where, and thought it would be easier if I stayed in the same area and go to the same school, and it just didn't, yeah, no, he was kept in the dark about it. like he was sending her a stipend a month, for my care, and was under the impression that my life would remain relatively normal, and that I'd get to finish high school because I was on my senior year, but I was pulled out, forced into homeschooling sessions, and it was either that or get sent to a re-education camp, that uses gothards teachings. I knew of a girl in high school who went to that sort of rehab/troubled/reducation camp, she turned out alot worse after than she came in. I had a scholarship too, and that really made me just like resent her more, I mean granted I chose to coast after getting my ged and found some success in life, it sucks because if it wasn't for that b****, I could've had went to college. but nope, nope, if it wasn't for it was my grandpa and someone else I would told her to fly a kite. but yeah leaving friday, my friend went into my cash stash in my room at home and bought a plane ticket. leaving saturday, going home to washington.
JoAnn29 Jun 2021
Seems like you are an independent woman. I give you permission to pack your bags and walk away. Your brother is there so you are not abandoning your grands. Your Aunt will just need to do the caring herself, hire someone or place her parents into LTC. Really as a grandchild, not your problem if there are children.

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Jhalldenton Jun 2021
I will echo what everyone else has said. GET OUT ASAP. The first step would be to call and see if they qualify for Home Health Care. https://www.medicare.gov/what-medicare-covers/whats-home-health-care
You might also call Adult Protective Services to see if they can step in and see if they would qualify for admittance to a Assisted Living Center. You don't have to do this by yourself and you don't have to do this because you are female. The only on that can make you feel guilt is you. If you can't move out because you can't afford to, you might think about going to a women's shelter to get you out of this situation. There are some shelters that will take women regardless of living situations.

AlvaDeer Jun 2021
Get your own job, your own apartment, give notice and move out. Yes, the heart reacts to stress; can feel as though it is slamming about in your chest. You are on a bad trajectory and it will continue if you don't change it. It can only be done by you. I am so sorry and wish you the best.

Tynagh Jun 2021
1. Contact Medicaid or the equivalent in your city. Google it. They will help to see if your grandfather qualifies.
2. Contact doctor. Have evaluation for in-home assistance.
3. Get out of the house. Your neer do well brother is a lead weight.

CTTN55 Jun 2021
Your profile says you are taking care of your grandfather. Who is the other ill person. It also says your grandfather is 27, but I think you meant that you are 27, yet you state above that you are 24.

Could you please clarify your situation? Do you live in your grandfather's house? Are you also taking care of your grandmother? Are you getting compensated? Do you work or go to school?

Just how did this caregiving situation come about?
stuckandidkUwU Jun 2021
\ until coivd, I've been backpacking, you know traveling from place to place doing youtube videos about it, i've made some pretty good money off it, because backpacking is an alternative lifestyle, and it can take you to interesting things, and generate interesting content, and truthfully I like to travel. and like one of my family members called and said that my grandfathers situation and at like they were can you stay for a little bit, and help because another relative cousin is living there and she has kidney failure, and my aunt was like I am being overwhelmed, was up until coivd going to college, sorry I was really sleep deprived when I made my profile, anyways so I was told that they needed help for a month, to get him into a home and I was like sure fine, I suppose a month would be okay, it was only until we figured out where to put him, and at the time I though it was gonna be temporary, and like my aunt is like ilbp denominational christian, yeah you know the duggar type of fundies, so I thought at the time it was only going to be 1 or 2 months at max, I wanted to genuinely help at the time, because I knew between dealing with my grandfather aging, a cousin who has end stage renal disease, and ontop of that having to deal with 6 kids, it started as genuine thing to help. but 2 months turned into about 6 and I am burnt out. I am not like adverse to caregiving, I've done it before with my own mom back at 16, but I know my limits, I've tried really to help, but because my aunt has fucked up views on a womans role, and the genuine need is being out weighed with the fact I am only one person. Basically I got tricked into it, and now I am being guilted to stay.
funkygrandma59 Jun 2021
Your profile says that you're caring for your grandfather. Where are his children, and why are they not caring for him? He is not your responsibility. You need to make a plan to move out, get a job and start a life of your own, away from these responsibilities that were never yours to begin with.
I'm afraid until you do that, you will continue to be used by these people. Only you can make the changes necessary to get your life back. I hope and pray that you will have the strength and courage to do just that.

Oh and by the way, you are not a bad person for thinking those things. If it were me, I would have been long gone by now.

Daughterof1930 Jun 2021
Your brother has shown you he’s not going to help, so believe him and don’t expect it to be different. We all only make choices for ourselves and don’t get to change others behavior even when it’s not right. Now is the time to decide what’s best for you. This is the time you need to be building your own future, working and living your life, not chained at home to a caregiving role. The caregiving you’re doing, two people around the clock, is too much for any one person to sustain. I hope you’ll soon bow out, make a life for yourself elsewhere and not accept any criticism for doing so.

ExhaustedPiper Jun 2021
You are not a bad person at all for not wanting to devote your life to caregiving at age 24. Whoever is trying to guilt you into this is the one who is wrong! Read that again!

What is the plan for YOUR future? First thing you need to do imo is make a plan to move out. The sooner the better.
stuckandidkUwU Jun 2021
Before I got guilt tripped in to helping my fundie aunt into care of what I thought would be a temporary need, I had a nice and tidy stream of income. I literally before coivd had a very active youtube channel depicting a backpacking nomadic lifestyle, because I like to travel, and I hate being tied down to one place, any ways, when coivd hit I had to settle down for a bit, and switched to freegan videos, because I am a bit of freegan, and did while it did pay the bills, because in between, like literally taking requests to sort of show off upcycling, and dumpster diving hauls, any worthwhile finds that had real value I would auction off to my discord group, and generate a secondary income off that, because on my patreon, one of my perks was exclusive life time access to my fans only discord, and I would let them have first pick to any items of value I found I planned on reselling, like seriously you'd be amazed at what people leave on the side of the road, or throw out. I literally made about effectively in one year alone, 5000, extra, by reducing the consumption of resources, and reselling items of value, that I have acquired from the finest trash bins of portland. Basically I like traveling and I am a freegan, and have effectively capitalized off both aspects, while teaching others to be more thoughtful in what your throwing out, and reducing the consumption resources by not consuming as much, and that hey, you can find a tv for free just by the dumpster, at an apartment complex. I've found so many working tvs, and I am not talking about cheap ones.

At the time I was living in portland and for awhile I was just doing my own thing, and like my aunt called me and was LIKE I need help. Now the thing is, when I turned 18 I left her and cut all contact, because she's, uh one of the iblp types of fundies, and while I only stayed with her for a short time, because my mom died of illness at 17, and technically I needed an adult, she tried to force me into her little cult, and literally made my life kind of hell, because she thought how my mom raised me, was sinful, and wicked, and I needed jesus. I simply endured because it was only one year, and the minute I turned 18 she was like lol you need to get a husband and tried to get me into a courtship with a man who was 29 at the time, because he was buddies with her husband at the church. I f***** off that night, went to go stay with my sister, and started to work and save money up to go to Washington where one my friends was at, then I sorted of took a few years of backpacking just to see california, even went mexico, and made money doing odd jobs. it wasn't untill like I figured that people wanted to consume content, like that, that I started making money. I am free spirit I don't like being tied down. anyways so when I go resettled and changed my content to freegnanism even did a few chaz/chop streams, anyways, my aunt called me, and if it wasn't for the fact that my grandpa was sick, I would've never opted in, and I was told it was only temporary until they found a home he and they liked. and it sort of turned out to be a few months, the only reason why I chose to initiately help was for him, and my sister she already has a life of her own, she has kids and a job, and husband, and I was sort of just doing my own thing, and I thought the situation would've been temporary, and that why I wanted to help.

As a side note incase, your wondering what iblp is, its basically an extreme denomination of Christianity; I am not sure if your aware but recently on the news, theres a guy named josh duggar, who got arrested for horrendous stuff, thats what him and his family followed. when my mom died, I was the middle child, and my brother the youngest. my dad was no in position to financially support us, so I was sent to live with my aunt, and it was the most stifling year of my life.

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