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Clarlady Asked February 2021

My paranoid mother won't allow help with taxes or finances. Advice?

Here I am, on the Forum again! Previously, I had asked a question about complicated taxes. My mother is 85, has an undiagnosed Personality Disorder and perhaps the beginning of dementia. She is strong-willed, stubborn and non-compromising. She had always been sure that people were "after her money".


Now it is close to tax time. I've had a hell of a time trying to collect the various documents needed for taxes, because I believe she loses them. To make things even more difficult, my mother trusts almost NO ONE and won't allow me to take her taxes to a CPA or tax attorney because she doesn't "know them personally". Well, of course not. Meanwhile, she waits and waits for a family friend/attorney to give her advice and it isn't forthcoming. The clock is ticking.


As for her finances, my mother looks very well-off on paper. But hardly anything is "liquid" right now. She knows she needs to go to probate to get my dad's stuff signed over to her, but again, she won't do anything because she doesn't "know the probate lawyer personally."


I have tried over and over to convince her that she needs to get to work NOW...yet she keeps waiting for the family friend/lawyer. What if he doesn't come through? How do I get her to do these things? I am worried sick that all the funds my dad accrued during his working career will go completely down the tubes due to late fees of taxes, waiting on probate, not trusting the financial advisor, etc. etc. She is going to lose it all. Please, please advise!!

Daughterof1930 Feb 2021
I’d call the family friend lawyer and find out if this person is actually going to help and if so, when. If it’s a no, maybe you can find a “friendly to seniors” tax professional and take mom to see them “before the government gets your money” She may think anything is preferable to the idea of the government getting her money

rovana Feb 2021
Are you able to talk to the family friend that she is waiting on? Is this an actual person you know? Are they willing to come through or is your mother waiting for a bus that is not coming? Does your mother understand that procrastinating could cost her money? If she is waiting for someone who has come through in the past, are they going to do it this year? Family friends, lawyers, etc. do age out. I assume you have explained the need to be active here - does she fail to understand possible consequences of procrastinating?

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Goddatter Feb 2021
My suggestion for taxes is to get tax software and fill in the taxes yourself. NOT to file them without her agreement (not legal, and a bad idea in general), but just to assure yourself of the essential financial situation. Federal penalties are really not as big or scary as most people believe, and there are provisions for extenuating circumstances that may lessen or remove any penalties. Tax software, either of the two major brands, makes it quite easy to be walked through the process, and they don’t cost much. A few hours may provide you a realistic thumbnail of her tax situation, some peace of mind, and possibly some talking points to encourage her to deal with it.

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