Is this the last straw?

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Is this the last straw?

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My dad thinks we are his private cash machine. He tried to force us to pay his taxes on his house. He has life estate and BY LAW is supposed to pay the property taxes. I know he has enough money. He was just recently talking about giving money away to the great grandkids, which was a real downer for me because it would create a Medicaid penalty we would not be able to remedy. He's not on Medicaid yet, but will need to be. He said he would just let the taxes go unpaid, and let the tax people repossess the house. And then move out. A load of crap, because where would he go? My husband and I are remaindermen and stand to inherit that house. He got us to pay off his 150,000 loan on the house many years ago, saying he could not pay it and so could not gift the house to us. He also has bullied us into paying his taxes for the past few years. It didn't seem worth fighting. But now we've had it. We are sending a letter from our lawyer to him threatening to take him to court if he does not pay these current taxes and seeking restitution for all back taxes that we paid as well. Would this be the last straw for you? I know it is a individual question. I feel that this might be it for me. Oh, and he slandered my husband, telling my sister that he said to my dad that he was "living too long". NEVER said that. He is divisive in the family. It's not the first time he has attributed nasty things to my husband and myself. He has my sister believing his lies and mistrustful of me and my husband. He once told my brother that I wished he was dead! It's just unbelievable. It really hurts what he has done, but I have vowed not to continue a relationship with him. Am I wrong? You should also know that everyone else thinks he is a wonderful old man.

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Ok, so you own the house free and clear? You are on the Deed?
Dad signed paperwork that to have a life estate he needs to be responsible for bills, etc.?

Dad has not held up his end of the agreement. So IMO, he can be evicted. Not that you would do it but I would certainly have a lawyer write him a letter. He has played you too long.

And you are right about Medicaid and the sister who doesn't agree, can take care of Dad when he is penalized for giving away his money. You have done enough for this man. You kept a roof over his head.

Personality disorders, like Narcissism, run in families. I think ur born with them. So, your sister has inherited Dads disorder.

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Enough is enough! You owe your father nothing, but he owes you a lot back. Do whatever it takes to get ALL your money back, and then cut your ties. Let another family member get used and abused if they're brave enough to take over. Best wishes.

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My dad did a life estate deed on his house. I went to the lawyer with him when it was done. The lawyer made it very clear to me that dad owned the house and its associated bills while he was alive. He paid the property taxes and homeowners insurance. It was only upon his death that the house went to me. It was sold a month later, the life estate deed hugely simplifying the process. But my dad didn’t have the issues yours does with trust and financial dependence. I never paid a bill of his and when he needed something his money paid for it. The lines with your dad have been blurred with the money. I don’t blame you for being upset, and doubt inheriting the house is worth it

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Writing all this down and responding to you all has actually been very helpful in getting perspective on this. I believe it is the right thing for me to sever ties with my father. Thank you all very much!

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I'm so glad you came to this bittersweet decision. We want so much to have "Disney" parents and when we don't, we keep trying and trying to engage with them as if they are, only to keep getting burnt. Such a strong desire in us that we're willing to get burned over and over. Even really smart people. We can pick our friends but not our family. The good news is that we are free to walk away from manipulators and abusers and put up permanent boundaries. I wish you peace in your heart.

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Sounds like dear old dad has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Yes, this would be the last straw! I would take him to court and get the house back...Yes, I would kick him out! I may seem hard, but I can take a lot of crap from people, but when it comes to money I don't play very nice! I think I would have been done with him after the apartment building sale...make a promise that big and then not keep that promise...oh h3ll no!!!!

Look, he spreads lies about you and your hubby. Then lies about some promise and bullies you to pay pass taxes...come on! Why should he treat you any different than the way he is? It is working for him therefore why should he change?!

I speak from experience, my mother lies, steals, manipulates, and people think she is so sweet. If my mother did what your dad did I would be done with her! I have always told her you steal money or my credit cards from me I will send you to jail! Like I said, "I don't play nice!"

Good luck!! I hope you learn from this experience!

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Yes, I have been wondering about the personality disorder, if he has that. The only reason I did not walk away after the apartment building grift was because my mom was still alive. She developed dementia. I did everything I could for her. I got her Medicaid and aides in the home despite my dad trying to sabotage that. It was so difficult and I almost lost my mind due to my dad's behavior. The thing about my dad is that he seems normal most of the time when there is nothing threatening his control over his money (like Medicaid). He seems like a very nice old man. So it's hard to reconcile the two sides of him. And then after my mom died, I wanted to try to have a normal relationship with him until he died, overcoming my anger and hurt feelings for him, just like I did after the apartment building grift. But maintaining a normal relationship is not all up to me. My sister is totally on my dad's side. She thinks I'm crazy, I'm not sure why that is. But she did contribute to the problems I had with him and my mom's Medicaid. She had a joint bank account with him and I told her to follow the Medicaid rules but several times she did not. If she doesn't agree with the rules, any rules, she simply flouts them. I believe she has passive aggressive personality disorder. Very challenging family I have.

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If you and your husband own the house then it's for the two of you to pay the taxes on it.
You voice concern about your father creating a Medicaid penalty if he gives some money out to the grandkids, but you also say he's not on Medicaid.
Unless his property was taken out of his name or put into a trust, Medicaid (if he has to go on it for LTC at some point) does a five year look back period and if the property wasn't transferred five years past, it get sold and the money goes towards his LTC expense.
You paid off $150,000 loan on his house and pay his property taxes for him. Why do such a thing? Unless his property is worth a fortune.

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No, that's not true in this case. Since he has life estate on the property, by law he is responsible for the taxes. The property was bought by us over 5 years ago because he could no longer pay the loan off and we thought we could eventually make money on it after fixing it up or at the very least make our money back. He had always said I would inherit the house. The house is crap but it's on 20 acres of land and in a very coveted town. So 150,000 is below what it would sell for as is because of the acreage. We took a gamble. The concern over Medicaid is there is now a 2.5 year lookback as of April to get community MLTC help in the home. So he has to tow the line even though he doesn't have Medicaid yet.

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Is the goal of taking him to court to get ownership of the home and get him out? What if he actually doesn't have the money to pay the taxes on it? I'm guessing he doesn't. To answer your question: yes, if I were in your shoes I'd move on it legally. It can't get much worse and there's nothing to gain in dragging it out. You can't do anything about what people think about him or you. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Get it over with in court and then cut all ties. He's playing a shell game with you. My money is on him not having the money. I hope you win your case.

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He has the money for the taxes. The goal is to get him to stop trying to force us to pay for things he can pay for himself. I have no problem paying for necessary things he cannot afford. He has a fluctuating income, so sometimes he is broke but this is not one of those times. He has plenty of money right now. Yes, I realize that he is probably afraid for the future, but I would have helped him, if he is broke, as I have always done. Especially annoying is his plan to give money to his great grandkids. So why would I pay his taxes - so he can do that?? Unbelievable. I told him, pay your bills first, that is your responsibility. Also, I told him my concerns about Medicaid if he does this and he said he expects his children to take care of him "after everything he's given them"! Really? My brother has nothing to do with him. My one sister lives far away and the other lives in a house with a lot of stairs to get into and works full time. And I am certainly not moving in with him - also he gave me nothing! I am hoping the letter from the lawyer will scare him into paying without going to court. We are the remaindermen on the house already, he has life estate.

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AlvaDeer - I am not understanding your latest comment? We own the house as remaindermen. He has life estate. Who are you thinking owns the house when you say "they"?

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In my area a tax sale with possession takes 3-5 years. In effect unpaid taxes area lien that the owner has a specified time to cure before possession.

Isn't he eligible for a discount on property taxes? Have you checked into that?

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Yes he has the Star discount and also an agricultural discount. All the discounts. It's not the money. It's the personality disorder at issue here.

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I think it differs from state to state but if he doesn't pay his property taxes there is a Sheriff's sale. This can happen pretty quickly. Maybe you should call the county on speaker phone with your dad in the room and ask the clerk what would happen and how fast so he hears it from some else.

The bigger picture is that he is manipulating you over an inheritance that you may never see. Honestly, I would let it all go. Once he sees you no longer care he may shut down his circus. He can't force you to do anything -- what he's done to date you have actually agreed to. My family family threatened to disinherit me when I left their religion. I told them I didn't care and the manipulation and bullying stopped because they had no carrot or stick. If you're sick of what's going on, you must do the same. And mean it. Completely back away and let the others grovel for his pennies. I hope you have a paper trail to prove everything you said he had agreed to then backed out to show your attorney. I wish you much wisdom and inner strength and mostly peace in your heart that the money isn't worth participating in this poop show.

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Yes, we have a signed legal promise by him to pay the taxes that was attached to the sale of the house to us stating that if he did not we had a right to put a garnish on his income from a gravel pit he also has life estate on. Same attorney. We already knew he was slippery about money, you see. He had stolen money he promised to my husband, secretly selling a couple of apartment buildings that my husband had worked on fixing up. He was promised a cut of the sales. Nothing. He got nothing after working for an entire year! I know, we really sound like saps, don't we? And it is also a law about paying the taxes with life estate anyway. We did not actually freely agree to pay his taxes recently, but were coerced. We are not just going to let the house go, we spent 150,000 on it! We will instead see him in court if it comes to that. The other annoying thing that I alluded to is that everyone sees him as a nice old man, therefore I become the wicked crazy witch that no one sides with. It's a small town. No one, not even in my family believes me about this crap (except another sister who is an angel)!

Is this the last straw?

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