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Westsign Asked January 2021

Mom’s dementia and her house. Any guidance on what to do?

My mom has been out of her house for a year. She is very confused and can't make a decision. I asked her permission to start packing up her stuff and possibly move towards selling house. She still thinks she will be home someday. She can’t come home to live for she is safer where she is. We been having this same conversation for a long time. I don’t want to feel guilty and just start packing up stuff anyways. I need peace and guidance on what to do. I’m very saddened by it all the house has been part of the family for over 50 years. I understand why she doesn’t want to let it go. But I feel its time because the house sits empty with no one living there.

Grandma1954 Jan 2021
Might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney first but...
mom has dementia she can not make a decision.
If she has been declared incompetent she legally can not make a decision.
Family decision time about all the "stuff"
Divide up what family wants. (try not to kill each other in the process.)
Pack up what is to be saved.
Sell what no one wants
Donate what will not sell.
Sell the house. Must be at Fair Market Value.
Money to be used for Mom's care.
SandyDacus Jan 2021
This is exactly what we ended up doing with my Mom’s house. She is turning 93 and has dementia. She forgets what happened 5 minutes ago, so we have POA for all financial and medical decisions. After about 5 years of her not living in her house, we went through all of the steps you mentioned above. She definitely remembers and misses her house, and thinks that she will go back there after her 5 years in the AL is up. (Her LTC insurance policy pays for 5 years.) When she asks about it, we just tell her that the house is still there and not to worry. We will use the money from the sale of her home to continue her care in AL (or MC) if she lives beyond 97. We ALL know that what we did was for the best - especially since the house was starting to fall apart from neglect! But it is definitely heartbreaking to know she never had the chance to say “goodbye”, and that she will never see that house again. :-(
LoopyLoo Jan 2021
There’s no reason to feel guilty for packing up the house and selling it. Is it sad? Definitely! But is it wrong? No.

Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before. That you will lose her eventually. And those are hard things to accept.

Thing is, the memories and love you had in the house won’t end! You can keep those forever. The house is just a frame around a picture of your life, if that makes sense. Take the picture out of the frame, and it’s the same picture, yes?

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busymom Jan 2021
Everyone will have a different opinion regarding “elder care,” but that’s because each situation is unique.

I can only share my personal experience with my parents’ home. My mom passed in 2012 (Parkinson’s disease and pneumonia). At the time of her death, my dad was in nursing care (prostate cancer that spread to the hip and possibly other areas—he passed in 2016). Because we knew that he wasn’t returning home, we began to make plans regarding the house. I was POA, and the legal documents stated that I could make financial decisions including sale of property, etc.

Because my dad still had most of his mental faculties, I wanted to show him what the cost was for “maintaining” his empty house. I knew that if the house remained unoccupied, there would be a much higher insurance premium to pay. Once I showed him the bottom line, he agreed that it was time to sell the house.

The first thing I did was clean up some of the spaces and had a realtor come in to give us some ideas on possible updates we could do that would bring a higher resale value. We also had an inspection done, so we wouldn’t be surprised by major problems (there were several). Dad had enough money that could be used to update his basement and make it a liveable space, so we planned for that. There are 5 kids in my family and I discussed all of this with them. It wasn’t required, but I wanted to include them.

Before the remodel, we hired a company to do an estate sale. I had all my siblings decide what items were of sentimental value or that they just wanted to own and I had them remove the items before the Estate Sale. Whatever was left after the sale, the siblings rummaged through a second time and choose items for themselves or their kids, and the rest we donated.

Next came the remodel, which included touching up the trim on the outside of the house, updating some landscaping (my husband did this, since he owns a garden center), repairs made to a fireplace, treatment for termites and pests, some roofing needs, and completely painting the interior of the house to make it clean and fresh looking. We also worked through the checklist of recommendations by the home inspector. Once completed, we had a realtor come back to arrange for selling the house.

Once the house was nearly ready to sell, my brother and I took our dad through the house so that he could see the updates and have his moments (as we all needed) to recall fond memories and recognize that another family would now make their own memories in the house. It was a sweet time, even though months later Dad had forgotten that we put the house up for sale.

None of this is easy for those who have had fond memories of their family home and all the gatherings, parties, friendships, holidays, etc. But holding on when it’s past time to let go, is even more exhausting and emotional.

We sold the house to a young couple. My daughter and I revisited the house about 2 years later. The owner was so sweet to walk us through and show us the updates they had made. They had a son and the owner was so thrilled to be in this house raising her son. She said that she wanted this home to be their forever home and hoped to fill it with several children in the coming years. New family memories in our old family house—couldn’t be a better ending!
PatsyN Jan 2021
A wonderful answer, strategy, and great advice. I hope these comments are archived. Dad died from COVID in September, Mom's still in the house--their only home and the one we grew up in--for now. (Stroke/wheelchair/24-7 aides including my sister and I.) We're still in phase one: Breaking into the safety deposit box.
DILKimba Jan 2021
You could also take pictures of the house, the yard, family heirlooms, both inside and out and make a photo album of it. You could gather pictures from when it was newer, and some of the great family celebrations that took place there, and make a book called "The House that Love Built, 405 Street Drive", and get mom to tell you stories about the pictures and then type the stories into the book. Shutterfly has great options for making books. Then when it's finished, Mom can have a copy and any other family members who want a copy can purchase their own from Shutterfuly.

GardenArtist Jan 2021
Westsign, are you paying for empty house insurance?   Is there any consideration for renting the house and applying the rentals towards maintenance and your mother's fees at wherever she's living?
disgustedtoo Jan 2021
Be VERY aware that if someone isn't living in the place, and there is a claim, it can be denied if you don't have special insurance for unoccupied homes.

There are so many things that can happen, esp if it isn't local to any of you and sits unchecked. One very cold night (which we've been getting these past few days in the north east!!!) can cause major damage if the heat happens to fail. Break ins can happen. Critters can move in and do some damage too. The special policy we had to get required checking on it - didn't matter for me, I was there so many times/week for almost 2 years, working on getting it clean, clear and fixed!!! I was SO happy after it sold!!!

We had considered rental, but before even finishing the above, I'd had it. Who needs the extra work of being a landlord? Despite having 2 brothers, I was already doing most everything, for the condo, for mom, etc. and would end up being said landlord! Nope. Didn't need calls any time of day or night if something is wrong, didn't need to worry about deadbeats or damage, just sell it and get that Albatross (thanks JoAnn29!!) off my neck!!
AvaC42 Jan 2021
We were in this same situation in 2019 and it was so hard to decide what to do. This was our family home built by our parents and where we all grew up. It was also 50 years old and there were so many memories within those walls. But, it became clear that it wasn't safe for Mom to go back and the house was sitting vacant. We knew it was just a question of time before things would start to deteriorate. Already the mice had made a nice home for themselves. So, we decided to clean it out and put it on the market. We kept all the things that meant something to us and gave away a lot. The house sold just before everything shut down last year and, while it is still painful to drive by, I knew it was the right thing to do. We still had the memories from our time there and it was time for another family to make their own memories.

My Mom passed away in December and I realized that going through all the personal things and selling the house while she was still alive was one step toward letting go. I was so glad I had that behind me so I could grieve her loss without also grieving the loss of the house I grew up in.

Everyone's decision is, of course, a personal one that is best for them and their family. I wish you peace in whatever you chose to do.
PatsyN Jan 2021
Laughing at the mice. We started this after my dad died from COVID in September. They should have been charging the mice rent all the birdseed stashes we found in the basement. My sister and I were so "punchy" we now have a great photo of a petrified mouse skeleton we found in a trap. Hey, at least Dad was trying.)

(Mom's back home; at the literal last minute we were able to find 24/7 aides.) It was the only house they/us kids had ever lived in. We're still cleaning and sorting and Mom's OK with that. Hey, all the cleaning means there's no time to grieve...
AlvaDeer Jan 2021
It truly isn't good to have an empty house. They deteriorate rapidly and things get missed. If a family member wishes to live there as "caretaker" you may want to consider that. As to things that can be eliminated in an overcrowded house you will know what that is. Take it slowly. The number of duplicate photos I have elminated alone in an evening isn't nothing. So take it slow and begin to haul things away a bit at a time. You will know what records need to be kept, and for how many years. Get rid of the rest of it. I sure wish you luck in this. If you are POA you can work on this. I don't know that I would sell. Any assets might preclude Mom from getting assistance. Her medicaid if she gets it will recover funds upon sale of the home after her demise. As you say, she is confused, but remember, that long term memory can last.
You can only do what you can do. I wish you luck.
Frances73 Feb 2021
Yes, great advice. And be careful to look in every pocket, every purse, every envelope. I found hundreds of dollars Mom had "hidden" for safe keeping and forgot about.
DILKimba Jan 2021
Like many others have said, start packing. Do the obvious, no brainer things first. Take out trash, any items of furniture that are damaged that would not sell to anyone. Get it all out of there. Then take a rest and evaluate. Are there items you want? If so get them out of there. Be very careful not to think EVERYTHING is so sentimental you can't part with it. The items are not your memories. If you don't have a place for it in your home to give it the honored space and use it deserves, than sell it to someone who will use it. After you clear out the belongings, then have a realtor/appraiser/inspector come and do an evaluation on the home from sale value and/or rental value. Maybe you aren't ready to sell it yet, but perhaps you could rent it to a young family who needs a break and rent it to them for enough to cover the utilities, upkeep and taxes, until mom passes? I have a friend who is currently renting her aunt's home while the aunt take care/lives with her mother. It's a win-win for the family. Think outside the box.
We have downsized my aunt/uncle from a 4000 sq ft farm/house, to a 2 bedroom IL apartment. They took WAY more than they needed, and have some of it in storage. It's hard to see your beloved possessions go to another person, but sometimes it's necessary. I am a Bible Believing Christian and I like to think of it like the parable of the talents--we need to use the gifts we've been given and invest them, not just store them up.

dragonflower Jan 2021
I think the idea of making a memory book of the house and its good times is a wonderful thought! So, start taking a lot of photos before you dispose of the contents.

As another poster wrote, "Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before."

I went through a similar thing with my father, who had vascular dementia. Interestingly, I just stepped in and "did what needed to be done." But my older brother was in denial, and kept thinking that we could just have aides come in to assist him with his care and he would be okay living alone in the house. He seemed oblivious to the fact that it was "unsafe" for dad to do this as he was getting more and more confused with each passing month.
Frances73 Jan 2021
Our realtor had a memory book made for Mom's house. With it all cleared out she hardly recognized it!
Westsign Jan 2021
Thanks again everyone for your input. I guess as hard as it is I will have to take steps on emptying the house. The harsh reality of Dementia is Mom will never be the same. Most of the time she doesn’t remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago. It’s been one of the hardest thing i have had to deal with. I feel bad for my Mom as well and her inability to function like before. I thank everyone again for sharing because I know it need to let go too.
Daughterof1930 Jan 2021
I wish you the best in doing this and hope you’ll give your mother the kindness of not discussing it at all with her again. It’s hard for you to carry the sadness alone, but even harder to go through conversations she can’t understand and remember. Peace and blessings
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