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Artist69 Asked January 2021

What steps must I take immediately after my mother passes?

Dear fellow caregivers, my mother is under care of hospice and could pass any day now. I have tried planning steps to take but I am totally unprepared. I am widowed living on SS that is under 2000.00 a month. I will not be able to pay the rent after she has passed. I have 0 assets and barely enough to bury her. Moreover I have 5 rooms of furniture but cannot afford housing in my area. I have researched several senior living facilities and many of you already know there's a long waiting list and most independent senior units have already been rented out. My only options are living with my son (sleeping on his couch) or living with another relative who already has several people living in his home. I am lost trying to think of ways to solve my circumstances. I have enough to deal with daily just caring for my mother and making her comfortable. Any common sense advice is welcome. God bless you all caring for loved ones.

PAH321 Jan 2021
Dear Artist69 - I’m sorry that your Mom is failing and for the circumstance you find yourself in.

Try sharing your predicament with the social worker from hospice as she may have resources for you. I can only imagine that others have found themselves in similar circumstances.

If you belong to a church, try reaching out to the priest, pastor or minister as the church community may be able to help somehow.

In addition, I have heard that in some states and areas rent is being deferred due to the pandemic. I’m sorry that I don’t know the details, but maybe you would qualify.

Have you considered bringing in a roommate to contribute to the rent? Possibly one of the several people you mentioned that currently live in your relative’s home? Maybe one would like to move out of that congested living arrangement and move in with you?

Best wishes to you at this difficult time.

lealonnie1 Jan 2021
Please don't use Craigslist for ANYTHING, but especially not to find a roommate. I've had every lunatic and loser in Colorado hassle me each time I've tried to sell anything on that site and as a woman alone, you do not want to invite trouble to your front door. If you want to sell a bunch of furniture and personal belongings, call an Estate Sale company in your area to hold a sale for you on the premises or on an online auction where the audience is larger and the proceeds will be greater.

See if you can find a roommate thru the local church or senior center or ask hospice for resources. Also ask friends and have your son put the word out as well.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything that's going on.
Pasa18 Jan 2021
I came to that conclusion as well about selling items. Already even neighbors and seemingly well-intentioned acquaintances seem to be scoping out mom's home.

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PeeWee57 Jan 2021
Have you contacted Catholic Charities of Eastern Virginia? They are located in Virginia Beach and may be able to assist you.

https://www.cceva.org

Their website says: "If you are experiencing a housing crisis, please call the regional housing crisis hotline at 757-587-4202, or Toll Free at 866-750-4431. The Housing Crisis Hotline is the region’s starting point for anyone who is experiencing a housing crisis and in need of shelter, case management, and related services."

funkygrandma59 Jan 2021
First, I am sorry for what you are going through and facing. It's a lot for sure. Can you not have your mom cremated, instead of burying her? Cremation is so much less expensive(I had my husband cremated 4 months ago for about $1100.) I would then get your name on the list for a government subsidized senior apartment in your area, and if there is a waiting period, hopefully living with your son or relative will be but a temporary situation. As far as your furniture, you will most likely have to put it in storage, until you get a place of your own.
Right now though, just try to enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, as that is most important. Things will all work out, as they should. Please don't forget that God has everything under control. God bless you for taking care of your mom until the end.
Artist69 Jan 2021
Thank you all so much for the helpful ideas. I kn ow waiting for housing will take a while. I have been doing the caregiving solo except for help from my son. I don't think anyone should have to go alon e to make final decisions at a funeral home. I wanted to prepay it while she was still fairly healthy but had to stop due to expense monthly. This is I believe the best way to handle cremations or burials as everything is done already and there's very little thinking when the LO passes. This journey is painfully difficult. God bless all of you who are daily caring for your loved one amidst the storm of Covid.
Tiredteri Jan 2021
My mother just died a few days ago. Hospice was on board about 10 days. I am unemployed and dependent on her income. I lived and took care of her. I didn't have funds either. About to be homeless. I donated her body to science. Unt north. Since you are donating her body there is no cost for cremation. You won't get remains back for 1yrs. I didn't give my mom a memorial she is 86 most friends already passed. But did put on Facebook to her graduating class.
babsjvd Jan 2021
I plan no funeral for my mom. It’s just her sisters, my sister who hasn’t talked to my mom in years. Sisters are afraid to lend a hand , my burden to bear , I’ve been told numerous times.
ZippyZee Jan 2021
Start by not wasting money on a burial. Cremate Mom or donate her body.
Harpcat Jan 2021
Donating the body costs nothing and helps medical students. When they have finished learning, the body is cremated and ashes returned. I have a friend who did this with her mom and dad.
Artist69 Jan 2021
Alvadeer. Thank you for your kind suggestions. Did you mention in your message my mother would have to repay Medicaid? I'm trying to get her qualified but I think it's really too late for that to happen now that she's so close to passing. She has medicare but they only seem to cover medical services. I'm 70 years old and worked approx 16 years a go off and on due to circumstances. I may get on a wait list for senior housing once I've fulfilled my duties with my mother. Yes I feel desperate and often depressed but my faith has carried me through this journey. I just have to daily remind myself of the millions of others also doing this work. Prayer and daily biblical verses are very comforting as well. God bless you.

AlvaDeer Jan 2021
Is this your Mom's home you are living in? Will your Mom be leaving this home to you? Has she been on Medicaid so she will have that to pay back at death? Does she have other assets she will be leaving you?
You will not have to leave the home at once. The funeral should be down to a cremation as that is likely what you can afford.
Did you leave a job to care for Mom and sell a home of your own? Often forum sees people who leave jobs and homes to care for elders end just here, jobless without a history of working and homeless.
I can't think of a way to help you other than to wait and see what assets you may have on Mom's passing if she owned her home; she may not have as you say you cannot pay the rent. You don't mention your age. I would suggest you call your area Agency on Aging. Look it up online. Tell them your circumstances, and your Mom's, and ask for any help or guidance they may be able to give you.
Ask Hospice for guidance on any Funeral Services that are very low cost in your area. Explain your circumstances to them. They have counsel, clergy, social workers, and I suggest you access any and all for help now, and guidance about what best to try in your own area.
I am so sorry. You must feel very desperate.
djjnurse Jan 2021
She said she's on SS and then again she is 70...so its obvious she depended on her mother's SS also to pay for the rent on the house.....if the owner will allow her to she can sublet rooms, make it into a bed & breakfast if allowed by real landlord, or DOWNSIZE to an affordable 70 yr old adult that she is and cremate....If she's on HOSPICE this is NO SUDDEN event and obviously I agree with bolers1 up above....where is the common sense of people today and PLANNING and BEING RESPONSIBLE for themselves.... She needs to pull-up her big girl pants and start to be responsible for herself....sometimes I cannot believe how many children are still co-dependent on their elderly parents financially.....What has this world come to?????? Deb RN
KBHKBH Jan 2021
Call your local Social Services now - I used to work at ours, and if they can't help, ask for referrals to a seniors organization such as AARP or local groups, who will do what they can for you. I'm sorry you have financial troubles as well as losing your mom any time now. Take very good care, and don't listen to those who would judge without being in your shoes. God bless and keep you.

Maggiemay1971 Jan 2021
Following up on PAH's answer - if you do have Mom cremated, try to find a crematorium and not a full service funeral home. You will pay overhead for the full service funeral home.

Also, in Maryland we have a organization called Catholic Charities (you don't have to be catholic) who provide independent living facilities for low income folks - the rent is based on your income. I would try reaching out to a faithbased organization versus a government based. I had so much more success when I went through this with my mom. So sorry you're having to deal with losing your mom and your housing at the same time. God Bless you.

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