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Romanianmom Asked January 2021

How to deal with an elderly parent overseas who refuses to go into a home?

Hello all,


The questions and answers here have been so helpful. It has released some of the burden I am carrying like many of you. My situation is quite different. I live in the States, I'm an only child and my elderly mother is 82 and lives in Romania. Things have been well for a while but there are signs that maybe Alzheimer's is setting in. She has good days and bad days where she calls me many times looking for things she can't find. In her good days she is very lucid and can carry a conversation. I have some friends there who have been helping care for her but they are worried too about her condition. We have talked about a retirement home but she absolutely refuses to go. I have looked into home care but it's not easy to find there. I have found a company that could administer her meds and check on her medically. She says she is fine on her own but I still worry. She has always been a very independent woman and I think the thought of not being able to take care of herself really bothers her. My friends who help her are putting a lot of pressure on me to find a solution to her situation but mom won't really listen to my advice. I feel a lot of guilt and powerlessness. I am 43 and have 2 kids at home, 9 and 12. I need my job to provide for the family, can't just leave everything and go take care of her. What do you guys make of this? Anybody else in a similar situation?


Thanks.

Geaton777 Jan 2021
It is difficult to know what to suggest without know what you are legally able to do in that country. If she has a next door neighbor that she knows and trusts, you can hire this person to provide some help until you can make a trip overseas to put a final solution into place -- if you are able to. But with a young family you should not be having to pay for her care unless it is very inexpensive. Bringing her here is not a good option because of the cost of care and the language barrier and she would probably not qualify for much (if any) govt aid. You could not care for her in your home by yourself with young children.

Honestly by time you pay for airfare and take time off work, it would be less expensive to pay someone there as a proxy to transition her into a care facility when she is legally ready. Does your mother have any financial means to help pay for her care? If she moves to a NH does she have a home, car and assets that would need to be sold? Best to make allies of her neighbors so they can be your eyes and ears on the ground. I wish you creative solutions that help you both!

Daughterof1930 Jan 2021
If your mother would be considered competent then she’s free to refuse care, and those currently helping her should back off to help her see her need for care. If she’s incompetent then decisions will need to be made on her behalf even if she doesn’t want those choices. It really comes down to her level of competence to be on her own, but if propping her up is preventing her from seeing her needs, she will be content to continue as is
lkdrymom Jan 2021
This is correct. She is allowed to make her own choices even if they are bad. Your friends are probably tired of the increased care she needs. Talk to them. Tell them to do what they are willing to do and no more. Your hands are tired because your mother refuses. And as long as they prop her up she gets to continue along as she has been doing. Could your friends put you in touch with the equivalent of social services in mom's home country? Ask them what your options are. Under no circumstances do you jeopardize your life to allow her to continue on her own.

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