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light1989 Asked December 2020

Caring for sick parent since start of my marriage. How can I make a change?

I have been married almost 3 years. When I met my husband, I knew his father was diabetic but one day, after we were engaged, his father ended up hospitalized for kidney failure. He was on dialysis for a few months and recovered, but we knew one day he would be back at it. Well we got married, and before we got married my husband told me he had a responsibility with his father and I knew I would help care, but he did not tell me he would be LIVING WITH US AND DOING ALL THE CARING. He is also losing his mind a bit, and it has come to the point where I do all the cooking, cleaning for his bedroom and bathroom, and not able to say my thoughts out loud for fear of hurting him. He has other children that decided they were not going to help. They don't live very far. One of them kind of has expressed superficially to help, but complains that he does not want to lose privacy. His other children are single. I am starting to feel resentful towards my husband. He wants kids and I told him having no help with his dad does not make me want to have kids anymore, with the pandemic we can't really go anywhere, he does not think that we want to go to the store alone or get some alone time on our couch. He recently asked my husband to take him earlier to dialysis. He goes around 11am and now wants to go at 6am when my husband comes home from work in the middle of the night and would hardly sleep to go take him and to pick him up. I am a teacher, so I can't help, and I refuse to since no one consulted with me about the change. I feel so overwhelmed, my husband claims I am his life, but I keep thinking how before things shut down again we were supposed to go on a date, and he brought his dad, and I did get mad at him and told him. I married, I did, but I did expect help from his siblings, and not the whole package. I feel depressed and angry, I have closed all social media from my need to get away from the world, I have talked to my husband about how I feel, but I don't feel any better or that anything will change. I wish I could make it change but I don't know how.

Beatty Dec 2020
This is not working for you.
Talk to your husband about new solutions. Give him a little thinking time - but a time frame - for changes to be made.

If required, take a weekend away to visit friends or family to give him more thinking time + doing time. Sometimes that's all it takes. A weekend of hands-on care himself to 'get it'. He may also then 'get it' that this is & will effect his marriage & future family hopes.

light1989 Dec 2020
Thank you so far for answers. When I posted this I felt I was at a boiling point when I posted this. I really appreciate you all reading my situation

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light1989 May 2021
Hello all, I would like to update you and let you know I finally cracked. After feeling miserable from my second dose of moderna, all my feelings came out like word vomit to my husband. He called his brother and had a long talk with him. I had a long talk with my husband as well. In the end, my father in law finally left with his other children...he wanted to leave until September, but I told my husband at least 6 months worth. He agreed. So it has been two weeks of real newlywed privacy. I reminded my husband about his vows to me in front of God since we married at church. I hope this lasts until December at least, or he enjoys staying with his kids so much he doesn't want to come back. However, I don't think his kids will want him forever. I told my husband this needs to be a thing from now on. He agreed. Both of us seem so much more relaxed! However I am having a hard time letting go of resentment towards the whole family for being so selfish, ungrateful, and wanting me to do everything for them. I was going out of my mind and he was also getting into my protein stash that I paid with MY money, and he would still move all the objects and finish my proteins and pre-workouts. Now that he is away he is asking we get him some. I told my husband I have a membership I paid for and I pay with my card. That if he wants some he can get a membership and he said how will he pay for it and I said with your money or your siblings since they never paid us a dime for his food, bills, or anything. He did not mention anything to me after. Thank you all so much for helping me put things into perspective. I had to be so "aggressive/mean" in order for them to see the boundaries. It seems he will now be half a year with his kids, half with us.
Beatty May 2021
Good to hear your update. I am sorry you have had to go through this awful situation, but your have come so far! You have taken massive steps towards creating the life you want & need as a couple. Your anger was for purpose - to make change. To stand up for yourself. (I think many of us have been raised that anger is always bad? To avoid conflict).

NWHW wrote a great reply Dec 2020. I hope you can re-read. Shutting down & hiding your resentment from your Husband will be a challenge now. Communicate with him, even if hard.

Use this time while FIL is away to reshape the future plans. If coming back to live with you is not going to work, make plans to change the expectations now.

All the very best.
Lvnsm1826 Dec 2020
You and him should talk to a marriage counselor, or social worker. Tell them what's going on. Maybe they can guide you.
Also, try to get a caregiver for dad.

Dad can go to assisted living, or board and care. Hubby might be reluctant at first, but come around.
Convincing his dad might be harder. But you and hubby keep talking and have a third party help.

You are important. Big hug.

CaregiverL Dec 2020
Look into facility that will care for FIL 24/7 & you can concentrate on your husband & career. Caregiving is a full time job & even caring for parent is hard ...but a FIL?!? You make it clear to your husband you’re not going to be a caregiver anymore. I would absolutely NOT have children with this man. He’s shown that you are NOT his primary concern. Hubby doesn’t care about your feelings. I would go as far away from this situation as possible. Take a vacation...or long weekend with a girlfriend...& get away to think & clear your mind. You can make your decision what direction your life will take. Good luck & HUGS 🤗

lealonnie1 Dec 2020
My half sister is dating a man who is caring for & living with his 81 y/o mother. I keep telling her & telling her to get OUT of this relationship because she's 58 years old and is going to wind up being the caregiver to this old woman. Period. She's closing her eyes to the truth.

You, on the other hand, were sold a pig in a poke, the way it seems to me. I'd go rent a beautiful hotel for a while, with your husband's credit card, letting him know on your way out that you did NOT sign up to be a nurse maid for his father and have him along on dates to boot. Three's a crowd, bud.

See how he likes doing everything around the house & for his father while you're relaxing at the hotel. Perhaps he'll learn a thing or two about using the word "No" when it comes to his father, too.

THEN you can sit down and talk about where dad gets to move next, and how the two of you either move on with your marriage or move on without one another.

Best of luck. I'm sorry you were put into such a position to begin with.

polarbear Dec 2020
light - I feel for you. You really get cheated. Recently, there was a poster in almost the same situation as yours. I think you can relate to her post and the replies from others too. Here's the link to that post.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-sign-up-for-this-living-with-mil-and-i-hate-it-i-want-to-run-away-is-that-my-only-option-462326.htm?orderby=recent�

MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
I got stuck on “I’m not able to say my thoughts out loud for fear of hurting him.” Hurting which one? Your husband, who thinks you should keep smiling while you cook and clean? Your FIL, who is quite happy to ask for unreasonable changes that will make life even worse for you and DH? Or you… no not you, you don’t count, do you?

Perhaps you SHOULD make it clear to FIL exactly what you think about all this, and that the advice you are getting here is to quit and run. You want a home of your own, a normal marriage, and children. None them are compatible with a live-in invalid who wants it all his own way, and a husband who doesn’t put you first. The household conversation should flip right now to alternatives to the present situation. That means making it clear that this is NOT what you want to live with, whether it hurts or not.

NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
It’s very sad that you were deceived by your husband.

You married him, not your father in law. He pulled a bait and switch on you.

He must have some good qualities because you married him but it wasn’t very nice of him to trick you by bringing his father on board.

It isn’t healthy to suppress your feelings about how you feel about being your father in law’s caregiver.

One day, there may be a trigger that will cause an explosion and all of your feelings will flow forth like a raging river.

Does your husband know how terribly frustrated you are? Please tell him.

I understand that you don’t want to hurt feelings but your feelings are just as important as theirs.

Don’t ever be afraid of an argument.

Issues can be resolved in an argument.

Arguments aren’t the worst that can happen.

When a person shuts down. That’s the worst that can happen.

You have begun to shut down. Nothing gets resolved if you are closed off from your husband.

I understand how certain situations can complicate our lives and we lose hope.

Usually, this is when we must stand up and be the strongest that we can be.

I can imagine that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of all of this.

Set a timer, when that time limit is up, (whatever you decide is fair to find other living arrangements for your father in law) then he must go!

If that doesn’t happen, you have the right to say that you said, “I do.” to one man, your husband, three people in a marriage is one too many!
light1989 May 2021
I realized you were right with what happened! Exactly how you said it! I have now opened up to him and my feelings and I no longer hide any discontent. He did feel "trapped" and said he would choose his father over me if his siblings did not help, but I put him in his place saying that he needs to have the pants to have a serious talk with them since he never did and told him he was not honest with me before we got married and tricked me and he did not say anything. I am so glad my explosion of feelings led to a solution that would help us all. I feel now I can work on my relationship with my husband without him feeling guilty about his dad staying home all the time or his doctors appointments or if he ate, etc. Thank you thank you thank you!
SoVeryExhausted Dec 2020
FIL is undocumented and has no money. If your best friend was in this position would you tell her to just give up everything she hoped for and spend what could be many years waiting on and cleaning up after this person? I doubt it. Trust me you don't want years to go by and be part of the *would've could've should've* club.
Taking care of you should be your priority.
This will get much worse.
His father is not your responsibilty. 💙

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