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MelissaMun Asked December 2020

Combative mom hates me, her caregiver and all her family. What do I do if they can't place her?

She has been combative refusing meds and food. Stays in bed all day so she doesn’t have to be with her caregiver, who is very good to her. Had to send her to the hospital because she became combative. She is alone at night and should not be due to dementia and physical inability. The hospital was refusing to admit her to the hospital and help with nursing home placement. I refused to take her and there is no one else. She is also physical abusive. What do I do if they can’t place her? She has no income except SS and no home or property. Mentally I can’t care for her due to her constant verbal abuse. Help!

againx100 Dec 2020
So...what happened? A week has passed. Did they place your mom somewhere?

I hope you were able to stand your ground and say no to her coming home. I don't see any way you can care for her and there is no way she should be alone.

Such a tough situation. Hope things are improving!

rovana Dec 2020
Refuse to take her from the hospital - tell them it is an unsafe discharge since you cannot care for her. Don't be swayed by any promises that they will get you help. What is in her best interest is appropriate placement and they can make things happen much faster and better than you could. Just say No and Unsafe discharge as often as needed.

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AlvaDeer Dec 2020
Do not take her your home. Tell them that you are physically and mentally incapable of continuing to care for her, and that you will not accept responsibility for her; add that you are fearful of her. Tell them that their discharge of her to her home will be "unsafe discharge" as she is unsafe alone at night, and you cannot help her.
Don't listen to the platitudes of "We will get you help" and "we can make this work" because they will not be able to get sufficient help and cannot make it work. Do not elaborate on the "WHY" but stick to you are not mentally or physically able to care for her in the home.
This forces the hand of the Social Workers who WILL find her placement that you never COULD find for her. If your mom is currently undiagnosed this will also result in a full neuro-psyc exam and diagnosis.
I am assuming of course that you do not live in her home.
If they discharge her to her home DO NOT participate in her care. She should have the number for 911 at the bedside and can be readmitted by caregiver or self.
They will do all they can to get your Mom OFF their responsibility and on to yours. Clearly care for her by you is now impossible.
They may make your Mom a ward of the state if you refuse care; let them would be my advice. The State fiduciary can assist in diagnosis, placement, registration for medicaid and etc. just as though no children ever existed.
Being POA or guardian for this woman will be a true nightmare, going forward. It will either be someone else's nightmare, or yours, imho.
MelissaMun Dec 2020
Thank you. She is diagnosed and lives in one of my houses rent free alone not with me. She has a care giver during the day. Adult protective services set that up paid partially by ccsp. I have been telling them most of everything you said and they don’t seem to care. I have POA but they did not ask for that and I didn’t volunteer as I didn’t know if it would help or hurt my needs. I have made my self clear to them about my fear of her and my desire to not be involved. The only thing I have heard today was they down grades her to observation. I asked for PT and OT but they didn’t do either. I also asked for medication and as of now they have not addressed that. Truly at a loss.
Midkid58 Dec 2020
I know you feel like mom is the only person in the world who has acted this way-but believe me, she is not alone and your aren't either.

She may likely require a full psych eval and then appropriate meds to keep her level, if that's even possible.

No, you shouldn't have to take her in esp when she's verbally abusive.

In the hospital right now? Let the SW and all that may be involved that she is NOT capable of going home and you cannot/will not care for her. This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME. We are currently kind of holding our collective breath that my MIL will fall again and end up in the hospital and from there, this time, she cannot be allowed home. Too wobbly, SO angry and mean & delusional. No one is allowed in her home--she's now down to her daughter coming everyday to do for her. Daughter is all but collapsed from stress.

It's going to be ugly, put on a thick coat of emotional armor and go in with the toughest 'you' you can be.

Good luck.
MelissaMun Dec 2020
Thank you so much. Just waiting on a call back from the social worker. I have not called. My husband said to wait and let them call us.
funkygrandma59 Dec 2020
There are medications that can help calm her, but she has to take them to help. If she is in the hospital now, the social worker HAS to help find a facility to place her in. Just keep telling them that you are not in a position to care for her and the many reasons why. The fact that she has no income other than SS, is fine. She can apply for Medicaid to cover the cost of any facility. So take a deep breath, and let the social worker figure out where mom is going. Best wishes.
MelissaMun Dec 2020
Thank you. I will wait for them to respond and then see what happens.

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