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sbrier98 Asked November 2020

What do you do when your parent refuses to care for their parent?

Hi. My family is very complicated. My mother and grandmother haven't talked in probably almost a decade. They hate each other.
Recently my grandmother has been showing signs of dementia and she needs help. My sister and I are only in our 20s. We dont know what to do or how to help her. I've told my mother all about whats going on and she refuses to help at all. All we need is to get her to an assisted living or something but I don't have the legal power to do so. I feel so stuck. I dont feel comfortable leaving my nana by herself because she falls and forgets things. She lost her phone and keys for several days and forgets to eat. What am I supposed to do?

LoopyLoo Nov 2020
Your question is worrisome... the “what can I do, no one else can/will help” scenario often ends up with the concerned relative taking over the elder’s care. It’s wonderful that you care so much for Nana! You have a good heart. Problem is, your good heart gets stomped in the ground when all others leave the caretaking to you.

Whatever you do... do not move in with Nana.

Do not move her in with you.

Do not quit school/work to care for her.

AlvaDeer Nov 2020
You need to call Adult Protective Services in your area and report a senior at risk. They will open a case. They will assess for safety. Grandmother may be transported to a hospital dependent on what is found. They will reach out to next of kin. If your Mother is estranged from her own mother there is likely reasons for that. Important however will be that you not attempt to take on that you cannot handle. Grandma may need to become a ward of the State who will take over her placement if she is unable to make her own decisions. You will still be able to visit her and love on her.
If by some chance you feel competent to make care decisions and to manage grandmother's affairs you may be appointed as temporary guardian through social services should grandmother need this. Do know this is a difficult difficult job including the handling of finances which need meticulous record keeping or can land you in a world of woe with charges of elder financial abuse.
Don't take on too much right now. Request a wellness check with APS in your area.

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lkdrymom Nov 2020
If your mother and grandmother hate each other why would you think your mom getting involved would be a good idea? And what do you expect her to actually do as I assume she doesn't have POA? Call adult protective services and have them direct you in finding a place for your grandmother. Under no circumstances should that place be your home.

BurntCaregiver Nov 2020
Who has the legal power of POA and Conservatorship over your grandmother? If it's your mother then she needs to turn it over to you or one of your siblings and that can be done through the probate court in the town where your grandmother lives. If no one has it, then you can petition the probate court to appoint you as her conservator. Then you will be able to place her in AL. You will also be legally able to employ in-home caregivers to live with her and that might help. As POA and Conservator you will have absolute control over her finances and assets. You must pay her bills, expenses, and the cost of her care out of her funds. The court will also make you answer to them and show the financial records every six months (usually) if you're appointed. You are also entitled to draw a salary from your grandmother's funds as payment for being POA and Conservator. You will have to discuss this with the probate court first though. Your grandmother will need to have a lawyer represent her for this process. Sometimes the probate will appoint one to her so the family won't have to look for one.
Don't be too hard on your own mom for refusing to be a caregiver to hers. You don't know how her life was growing up. I find that when adult kids refuse to help their elderly parents the reasons for refusing to do so are always valid. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
JoAnn29 Nov 2020
POA has to be assigned. As a POA you cannot turn over your POA responsibilities to someone else. Only the personbwho did the assigning can revoke and reassign. In this case having a dementia means this can't be done.
Midkid58 Nov 2020
BurntCaregiver is right! You need to establish legal 'control' over nana and take it from there.

Please don't be too hard on your mom. I am moderately estranged from my own mother and I know I'm being judged very harshly by people who don't know, and never will know, the whole backstory.

However, I have zero say in any of her care, so I can sit back and just be an observer.

It is daunting, but not as bad as it sounds. I wish you luck in finding a new situation for your nana and peace for you as you make these choices for her.

You are beyond kind to do this. God bless you!

TiaChichi Nov 2020
Dear one,
You have the power to sumond a social worker as a relative because you have Duty of Care as every human being does with one another. Do not rely on the opinion of your mother as she actually doesn't want to be involve (and she is laying also the foundations of how she would like to be treated when she is older and fragile).
A social worker will assess your granny's condition and bring carers at specific times when support is needed (personal care, meals and medication for example). Provide emotional support for her: visit, phone and take her out -even for a garden or park-...connect. It is highly rewarding as you bring human companionship to her life and sweet memories to your heart when she's gone.
helenb63 Nov 2020
I think it's a little harsh to perhaps imply that the mother in this case won't deserve any help when she is older because she has a difficult relationship with her own mother. No one else can know the pain and damage an unloving mother can cause, so I don't think anyone should judge the mother here unless they know all the facts.
Mepowers Nov 2020
Hmmmm - a very frustrating situation. First, I want to say don’t judge your mother. I am an only child of a very abusive parent. My childhood was traumatic. We hadn’t spoken for many many years but I stepped in and now manage her finances. But I wish I hadn’t and I wish I had let it go to state guardianship. I manage things from a distance and have very little contact now. So your mother may have very good reasons for staying out of the picture.

Second you cannot take this on by yourself. It’s all too complicated and you have a life to live. There are experts out there in the field. My mother never wanted anyone to be her POA. She thought that she would be competent forever and life would just go on. She didn’t recognize how her life was falling apart and her health was failing. She still thinks she can drive and live on her own even though she cannot even bathe, toilet, or dress herself. I would recommend contacting Adult Protective Services. Explain your concerns and tell them she has no caregiver. They may find her competent or they may be able to help her with some in-home services to start. My mother refused all help and it wasn’t until she had been sent to the hospital twice and was found to be in a bad situation that I was able to intervene and get her to a safe place. But before that, she refused all care and Adult Protective Services found her to be “just fine.” My mother was great at covering and the best liar in the world!

Third, I work in tandem with my spouse and daughter. I have done the hard work of pulling all her paperwork together, talking to an elder care attorney, finding her an affordable AL and paying her bills. I communicate with her professional care team. But I have no contact with her. It was too traumatic for me and she was very abusive, even with dementia. My daughter does the hard work of visiting with her on occasion and fielding her many crazy phone calls. My spouse will run errands and provides me with tons of emotional support.

I never discussed much the history of my abusive relationship with my children. I worked hard at giving them a better life. And my mother appears to be a sweet and caring person to the outside world. But she has isolated herself from almost everyone due to her behavior and likely undiagnosed mental illness. I tried many times over the years to point my mother in better directions so she wouldn’t have to live the life she does now. But was always met with hate and scorn.

No one should have to care for a person they hate.

If you have a good relationship with your grandmother try asking her what her wishes are when she needs help. See if she has put together any paperwork. Call Adult Protective Services. But don’t expect a miracle. You may have to wait for a major health crisis for anything to happen. And don’t expect any Hallmark moments.

Please keep us posted.
NavyVet90 Nov 2020
Great advice! I am with you, especially the "No one should have to care for a person they hate." I also dealt with toxic parents and couldn't stand to be in the same room as my abusive sociopathic father. Yet I got stuck with all the responsibilities of their care. I have no children and certainly didn't want to become the parent. My 'Golden Child' siblings offered zero support, financial or emotional. Of course the 'better' parent died first. I already had PTSD and the stress of the past 3 years nearly killed me, ruined my health and my best retirement years that I'll never get back. At least the pandemic lockdowns gave me the excuse to finally go No Contact with Dad. (He passed at the ALF in May.) Caregiving will take over your entire life in the best of relationships. I'm sure the OP's mother had her reasons for being estranged. I hope the OP doesn't put her own life on hold to get involved. Leave it to the professionals I always say.
Tothill Nov 2020
Your mother does not have the legal power to put your Gran into Assisted Living either, not unless she has POA.

But it sounds like from your description that your Gran needs more care than an AL will provide.

So what are your next steps? Gran needs a Needs Assessment, this will determine how much help she needs for her Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) and what level of care is appropriate. You can contact her doctor, a local seniors agency or APS to ask about the needs assessment.

Beatty Nov 2020
"All we need is to get her to an assisted living or something but I don't have the legal power to do so".

Correct. You have the clarity to see the issue right there.

Nana needs help but she can't or won't accept it.

So you are now in the *awaiting a crises* to get any change happening.

Follow the advice to involve APS.

Maybe call Nana very night to check in? Advice her local Police you may call for welfare checks if she does not answer.

Call EMS if there is immediate danger, fire or a fall. Especially falls. If you respond to her phone call & go & pick her up it won't change. Either call EMS & meet them at Nana's house, or even better, at the hospital. If there is no trustworthy adult at the home there is more chance they will transport her. (This has worked for me!)

JoAnn29 Nov 2020
Your Mom does not need to care for her Mom. If she has any obligation, its to make sure that her Mom is safe and cared for. As said, don't try to do this yourselves. It will put your lives on hold. Are there no Aunts or Uncles, if so contact them.

I would call APS. Let them evaluate and see what kind if resources there are available. If they feel GMa needs 24/7 care and Mom can't provide it, you may have to allow the state to take over. Do not let them tell u there is help for you to take advantage of. Just had a cousin go thru this and was given very little info on how things work. Wish he had me involved to a point because I would have asked certain questions he was not aware of. He called me after the effect.
jacobsonbob Nov 2020
Yes--beware of someone telling you "we can help you make this work" if your Nana ends up in the hospital and is about to be discharged. and the hospital staff tries to get you to take her home or otherwise live with her to provide the hands-on care. As others have said at various times in this forum, it never works out that way, and the hospital has simply "washed its hands" of the situation.
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