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gati1263 Asked October 2020

When can I expect decent treatment?

My mother this week did not want the home health care agency to get her groceries. I know this is stupid, but she wants me to do this. I have car trouble right now and can not do it, I am ordering my groceries. She got very angry with me and almost shut the phone down, because I couldn't. I have to get my car fixed because I drive anywhere between 1/2 hour to an hour to work depending on what clinic they place me in. I need my car. My mother is so mad at me and I feel so guilty like I cannot handle it all.

Grandma1954 Oct 2020
I bet when she is eating the last of the ice cream, the last of the corn flakes, and has to drink her coffee black she will welcome the home health care agency that is delivering groceries.,
If she is getting mad at you just say.."mom, if you do not want groceries delivered you will have to do without" and before she can more angry hang up and do NOT answer her next dozen calls.
This is what setting boundaries is all about.
Give her a specific day that you can do things with and for her and stick to that.
Take her to the store on XXXday and if she calls and asks to go someplace on YYYday say "sorry mom, I have plans, I will see you on XXXday, we can get everything done then" If she "just has" to get something sooner and it is not an "emergency" she can call a cab, Uber, Lyft or other ride share.
As someone on this site once wrote, and I am paraphrasing now because I can not recall the exact wording, ..she can pack the bag of guilt you don't have to take the trip.

CTTN55 Oct 2020
I read through your previous posts. Are you still taking your mother for drives every weekend? (Are you allowed to during the pandemic?) I hope that one silver lining from the pandemic is that you are not doing this!

I wished I could have done the grocery shopping for my mother. But even I wouldn't do. It was all about control for her! I had to haul her along (she lived "independently" in a condo 7 minutes from me) for her grocery shopping, and it took hours...and I was directed to pick the can or box in the very back, the best-dated items, etc. She spent a long time picking out the best produce. And would stop and talk with anyone and everyone, and often ended up with her lecturing the person about B6 toxicity. So grocery shopping became her main socialization mode. Sigh...

But you are doing much more for your mother than I did for mine when she lived in her condo. I set boundaries when she stopped driving, and she was unhappy at first,...but she got used to it. She used to drive somewhere almost every day. Walking in the mall was her socialization. After she stopped driving at age 90, I took her to medical/dental appointments, to Mass once a week, and the grocery store once a week. Once in a while we would go somewhere else to buy something. And I ended up taking her to chair yoga while I swam laps, and then after that we did her grocery trip. I never did her finances, but a couple of times she couldn't balance her checkbook. After her 17-day hospitalization then rehab then NH, one of the two POA brothers took over finances. That's when we saw that she'd been slipping even in that area for a while (she was always good at that sort of stuff). I knew she'd been slipping cognitively, but she could showtime quite well for the public.

I will say that she liked me even less after all of this. Our never-great-but-okay relationship suffered. My 3 (out of state, of course!) were spared all of this. She could be very nasty to me. I ended up getting compensation (dating back to when I became her "dummy daughter driver") from my brother. That made it a lot easier for me, as I could treat the hours with her as a job. $20/hour. But of course there are no siblings that could share the load with you.

So maybe my advice isn't much for you; just wanted to say I feel for you! You are doing a lot more for your mother than I did for mine. Please let us know what you think about the boundaries idea. We want you to have relaxing weekends!

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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Gati, I went back and read some of your older posts. Your mother has been treating you poorly for a long time, hasn't she?

Time for you to stand up for your own mental and physical health and say "no". Let her be mad.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Her "wants" and "demands" do not trump your needs (or your own choices).

"I'm sorry mom, I can't possibly do that" and no further explanation. She does not own you.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Don’t feel guilty. You have a legit reason for not taking her. Offer to set up delivery service.

If she refuses delivery service then say that you have another call that you must take and hang up.

She isn’t going to starve. She will figure it out as soon as you step aside.

Take care.

Beatty Oct 2020
" but she wants me to do this".

When I hear 'I only want family' or 'I only want you' - I get suspicious. Why?

Is it really 'I want more time with you?' & know you will come if there is an errand/a reason?

Is it 'I still have control'?

My Mother only wanted family because it seemed she was losing the skills to communicate effectively with others - close family could guess better. Also she trusts us, which is nice. But this does not mean it is reasonable to do everything & wear ourselves out when there are other options.
ExhaustedPiper Oct 2020
To add to what you said above, I also think some of it is that they want the person who was trained to be their whipping post, one way listener, and personal slave to be around because they can't boss others around in the same way, or exhibit their worst behavior.

To the OP- It's taken me YEARS to put boundaries in place with my narc mother, and it's still a work in progress. I know it's not easy. These women raised us and it's like a primal instinct to react as we do. It's called grooming. Therapy and practice will help you get stronger.

Your mom has the option to have groceries delivered. Do not let her play these games with you, because down the road there will be bigger fish to fry, so as soon as she catches on that you are not to be bossed around anymore, the better.

If I were you I would stand firm on this grocery issue and make a strong point. If she gets mad or nasty, hang up!
JoAnn29 Oct 2020
"My weekends are now tied up doing errands, getting snacks, going to the pharmacy, picking up odds and ends and taking care of the finances"

Your Mom is in assisted living, correct? Don't they handle prescriptions? My Moms did and distributed them. I had to do nothing. Mom gets 3 meals a day. Doesn't the AL supply snacks? Moms was always having somekind of party. Can you buy once a month in bulk at a Sams? What odds and ends would Mom need weekly?

You need to set boundries with Mom or she is going to run u ragged. You spend 10 hrs a day traveling to and from work and working. This includes the hour getting ready. So ur up 6am in the morning, at least. Probably don't get home till six. So u maybe have 4 hrs to yourself and then this starts all over. Mom needs to realize you cannot do it all. She needs to rely on the people u set up and the staff at the AL. She is safe and she won't starve.

Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. She did by canceling the person who was suppose to help you.
Beatty Oct 2020
Joann, I just read about the weekends too - you beat me to it & said it so well!
ZippyZee Oct 2020
Send her a big case of Ramen Noodles to live on until she decides she can use the home health care again. Find the nastiest flavor possible.
Beatty Oct 2020
🤣🤣🤣
freqflyer Oct 2020
gati1263, that can be so very frustrating. Your Mom has a choice, either have the home healthcare agency get her groceries or be without groceries. Heavens, you work outside of the house all day, you need a break, and the last thing you want to do is go up and down 26 aisles of a grocery store.

Don't take it personal, I know easier said then done, your Mom is frustrated with aging and not being about to do all the things she use to do on her own, like getting groceries.

I use to go into the grocery to shop, pulling 2 grocery carts, one for me and one for my parents. After awhile it became overwhelming because I was putting items in the wrong cart, and bringing in the wrong bags to my parents just out of pure exhaustion after being in the office.

Then I discovered on-line grocery shopping.... I did a happy dance.... I loved it. My Mom wasn't happy with it as the food tasted "funny" even though it was the same items I would get inside the grocery store :P Eventually Mom accepted it, she had no choice.
Bridger46146 Oct 2020
My mom thought delivered groceries from online tasted funny too. But after a few times she got used to it.
Geaton777 Oct 2020
You had a grocery solution set up for your mom and she rejected it. That's not your fault and it's not stupid to be exacerbated by it. But at 87 and in decline you will need to decide to let some things go, like ignoring that she is mad at you. It's not the same kind of mad that a rational person has. It's not the kind of anger that has actual meaning. As long as you know she has her needs taken care of and she's safe and healthy (if that's the arrangement) then just do your best and practice having all else roll off your back. Easier said than done, I know. Hang in there, get rested and refreshed. Take care of yourself.

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