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Isthisrealyreal Asked October 2020

What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?

How do you deal with being treated like an employee because you were given a gift card as a thank you for your contribution to a needful situation? I am utterly stumped how I should respond to the gifter of this 20.00 gift card when I have done what I have because I saw a need and I felt like I could help when I did not see anyone else stepping up to take responsibility.


I have spent untold hours, many miles on my vehicle and usually 2 meals paid for by myself on the days I am helping my friend. A full day every week for months now.


Now her family thinks that they can tell me what I need to do, how I need to do it, multiple times a week demanding that I do errands and all because they gave me a thank you of a 20.00 gift card. When I tell them I am not going to do it, they tell me that I have been paid and I need to do what they tell me, not even giving me the courtesy of asking.


How do you respond to the shear absurdity of this? I love my friend and I don't want to abandon her, but the multiple demanding texts and calls daily are just over the top. Is this normal in anyone's experience?


Thank you for sharing how you would address the nonsense of being viewed as an employee because you were given a 20.00 gift card.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
"I can't possibly do that" comes to mind.

"I'm being paid? Am I a W-2 or 1099 employee?"

"Here is the phone number of a careging agency. Please use your mother's funds to hire her the help she needs. I can only be available to visit one day a week, when my schedule allows".
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I can't throw my friend away because her kids don't have a brain cell between them.

She needs transportation she is healthy and active, she doesn't need a caregiver.
Takincare Oct 2020
I'm sorry you feel that you feel that I am your paid caregiver because of giving me a $20 giftcard as a thank you for helping my friend and your families in a time of need. If I would've known that by accepting your gift it would give the impression that I have been paid for my past and future time and expenses I would have never accepted your "gift". Please advise as to where and to whom I should return this gift so there are no longer any more misconceptions about the situation. I am not your employee, I am her friend who visits her and helps her when I can. Send as a group text to the demanding ingrates and see what happens next. Could it be that your friend gave the impression that she was paying you? When MIL moved in with us told her senior club friends she moved in with her son and this is my girl who takes care of her 🤦‍♀️. Another scenario is maybe something fishy going on with your friend's finances and someone is skimming funds from her under the guise of paying you? That's the reason for a group text, everyone on the same page, getting the same info at the same time, no he said she said. Or even worse, they fear that you will want compensation after your friend passes and some of "their" money will go to you. Some people's ignorance, arrogance, sense of entitlement really irks me. They either don't want or can't do for your friend but expect you to bow to their demands. If demands and orders continue, that's nice that you want me to do xyz. I'm sure you will figure out a solution to this, I have too much on my plate at this time. Can't help stupid.
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Takincare, I never thought about someone stealing from her. That is actually a real possibility with her two kids.

Thank you for bringing that up.

I have tried to explain that I am not going to be able to do what they want done. I am talking to deaf people apparently. They acknowledge what I say and turn around and send an email or text telling me that I need to pick her up or go to the grocery or.....

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gladimhere Oct 2020
Give the gift card back. This is absolutely bizarre!
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
How do you return a digital Amazon gift card?
cwillie Oct 2020
I'd be tempted to write up an invoice of all your time and expenses and hand it over along with the gift card. And block their number.
Sendhelp Oct 2020
Fine minds think alike.
Countrymouse Oct 2020
Um. I think I'd give it back, with my compliments and a polite note saying there has clearly been a misunderstanding.

PS Is there any possibility of there having BEEN a misunderstanding? Might anyone in the family have somehow got hold of the mistaken idea that you are your friend's paid caregiver?

MaryKathleen Oct 2020
As for returning the gift card. Did you contact Amazon and ask them? I understand you can't just let her starve. Have you called Adult Protective Services? I would do that right now. If you go down for any reason, car crash, illness, etc. There is no one to help her.

Daughterof1930 Oct 2020
I’d say that clearly there’s been a misunderstanding on their part, you’re a friend not an employee, and it’s unfortunate they’ve mistaken the two. It’s sad that users are everywhere, I’m sorry you’ve had this experience
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Thank you. Yes, it is so sad that people that are not even helping are doing things that make it difficult for the one person that helps her.

Her cousin told me that I was the only one that she could count on to help her.

Makes me very sad for my friend.
JoAnn29 Oct 2020
Really! Tell them that a $20 gift card as a thank u for your help, does not mean your at their beck and call. If it does than they can have the card back. I would also tell them that the two meals u buy for your friend on the day you are there, cost you at least $20. You already use a day out of YOUR week to be there for a Friend.

Say what you said here, you saw a need and because it was a friend you did not mind helping. You took the Card as a thank you gift. That does not make you an employee. And if it does, you have already worked off that $20. Tell them it would have cost them more than $20 to hire someone a day to do what you have done. Guess that saying fits in this situation.

"No good deed goes unpunished" Stick by your guns. Do you feel comfortable in telling ur friend what is going on?
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I didn't take the card. It was an email notification. I would have absolutely refused it if they would have handed it to me.

It is funny that you mention the 20.00 paying for the meals that I buy her. I don't get out of a restaurant for less then 35 bucks a pop when I take her. She eats like she is starving and then takes the leftovers from both meals. I am happy to do it, I think that I would worry that she isn't eating properly if I didn't personally help her get groceries, bring her homemade frozen dinners and take her to eat.

I truly wish that everyone had someone that cared about their wellbeing and was willing to step in the gap.

Oops, she knows some of what is going on, but I really do not want to get involved where her children are involved. She loves them and she only sees them through that love. I am hoping to find a way to keep them away from what I do for her.
AlvaDeer Oct 2020
You see, this comes under the file "Lessons I have learned".
When you do things for people you expect thanks and gratefulness and all that stuff, but the REALITY is that when you do things for people they come to EXPECT that A) You are doing this because you WANT to and B) It is a given: this is what you WISH TO DO.
So now the question becomes WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Because as Dear Dr. Phil always says "You are getting something out of this" and I don't mean a 20.00 gift card which has very little to do with any of this.
Here is what I would do. I would say to the giver of the card "I so appreciate the gift of the card. That was lovely. But I do have to tell you that I am just not going to have the time going forward that I thought I had. I just wanted to warn you that I will no longer be available to BLAH BLAH BLAH".
End of story.
I will tell you a little story. I had a friend who had a girlfriend (gay couple). They were living together and my friend was the "caregiver". She earned the money as a nurse for the household. She took her friend everywhere, did everything for her, including the cleaning and the cooking. Then, suddenly, my friend became ill. And that girlfriend of hers? She marched right on out of the house. My friend went to a therapist who set her straight the cheap and honest way--honesty. She said to my friend, "You know, YOU broke the contract. This was the contract. You do everything, and she lets your adore her. Now you want HER to do something? That wasn't ever the contract".
So I will tell you, you wrote your own contract. Now, don't sign up for another tour unless you want a "thank you for your service" and a 20.00 gift card here and there.
Wishing you the best going forward. Do only those things you WANT to do for your own reasons, whatever they are. Stop doing them with expectations going forward. And chalk this up to a wonderful lesson. Life is full of them.
JoAnn29 Oct 2020
Not sure if she does it to be appreciated or a thank you from a friend. It's nice when you get a thankyou and be appreciated for it but I have never expected it. I don't think OP does either. As she said "she saw a need". The GC was a nice gesture, but that's all it was. I learned long ago not to volunteer. For some reason people think that means your willing to give up all your free time. If asked, I do, but I don't feel it obligates me. I believe "what goes around, comes around". Hopefully I will get rewarded for the good things I have done, if not thats OK.
MsRandall Oct 2020
Return the Gift card. Buy them a 20 dollar gift card.
Just say no to their request.
Say no to EVERY request until they stop asking.
If you say yes to any of them, they may not get the message.
When they tell you have been paid, laugh and respond, no your 20 dollars was a gift. Say plainly, "I am not your employee "

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