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liljo266 Asked October 2020

Can we put our mom in assisted living even if she doesn't want to go?

My mom is 95 year old and sold her house. She's very stubborn and not easy to live with. She says she wants her own place but we're not sure that she can be alone. We see she has some form of dementia and doesn't remember things that well. No one has POA on her. We think she would benefit in an assisted living facility but she doesn't want to go. Can we just force her to go in one?

ZippyZee Oct 2020
If she sold her house where is she living now? Don't allow her to "temporarily" move in with you at all costs.

earlybird Oct 2020
My aunt was in a very lovely Assisted Living facility and seemed to like it. We would visit her often. She had AD and when her illness advanced she was placed in Memory Care. You can not force her into a facility if she is competent. Does she have a dementia diagnosis? Her primary physician should have that information and recommend placement if it necessary. At the age of 95 she should have a POA in place. In my opinion you will not be able to do anything without POA and a diagnosis showing she is incompetent.

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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Unless someone gets guardianship, you can't force her to do anything in most situations.

What you can do is step back from doing her bidding; if she wants to be "independent" then let her hire help at home.

Telling my mother "no, I can't do this any more" was painful, but it did get her to see that she wasn't going to be able to live on her own anymore.

Countrymouse Oct 2020
No. Of course you can't just force her to go into an assisted living facility. She hasn't even given you power of attorney, you've apparently no medical evidence of any sort of mental impairment, and she's definitely an adult. What do you imagine would give you any such authority, then?

But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be best for her to consider an ALF (or other facility) among her possible next moves. You say she's sold her house - actually sold it? Got the money, packed up and everything? - and presumably she does agree that she needs to live *somewhere.* So what is her plan besides the vague statement that she "wants her own place"?

worriedinCali Oct 2020
Even with a POA, you would probably not be able to force her in to assisted living. You can’t use a POA to override her decisions as long as she not declared incompetent.

JoAnn29 Oct 2020
Without POA it maybe hard. If she had money Medicaid, I think, will allow it to be used for guardianship. You would need to prove that she is no longer competent to handle her affairs. She will also be at the hearing.

What I suggest is taking her to some nice ones in your area. Try to pick a day when something is going on like some entertainment or a party. Pick a time when people are in the common area. Maybe eat dinner there.
Show her the rooms. At Moms AL they came in 2 sizes and had small apts. All came with small kitchenettes with sinks, cupboards, microwave and a small fridge.
I would also choose one with a Memory care attached. I liked Moms because it was small but they didn't separate the Dementia residents from those who were in the early stages or mentally OK. Mixing them together was not really fair to those mentally OK.

My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia when I placed her into an AL. She had transitioned well in my home and in the AL and later the LTC. But when she was placed in the AL and LTC, we told her she was going to a new apt where she would meet new friends.
liljo266 Oct 2020
thank for feedback so I guess probably best thing is to get her assess by her doctor or whoever does it We did show her a nice place but she had all kind of excuses about Called it a city building cause it had 3 floors and didn't like the elevator A resident tried to talk to her she just put her nose up in the air Saying doesn't want to live with old ppl She very strong minded is not gonna listen to no one Mayb once we can bring to to get assess we can try to understand whats going on in her head more

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