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MinnieCar Asked August 2020

My mother is angry person and dependent. No language or cognitive skills, I have been the parent since I was 5. How can I continue at 50+

My mother moved to another country at the age of 19. She is now 78 and fears death. She is full of anger, regret, potentially borderline personality, shouts, screams, doesn't understand doctors, doesn't trust me. Always been paranoid and highly sensitive. A look is interpreted as a death threat. The times she has stormed out of the house, screamed blue murder rather than sitting down quietly and explaining her pain. No one is allowed in the house (pre-COVID) because they steal things, they are not to be trusted. I am a poisoner. I moved her in with me 7 years ago as she had always wanted to and I wondered if her behaviour would change with more company. I am now 56, and it hasn't. I know it will get worse as her health issues progress. I want her with me regardless. What can I do to cope?

97yroldmom Aug 2020
Get a therapist. Maybe two.
What you could handle at 50 won’t be the same as when 60. Your best years are now. By 70 you will be slowing down and about the age of your mom when she moved in.
You are leaving very little time to get your own life in order for when you won’t be able to manage as well. And I’m not talking about finances.
And Minnie. Your mom is not happy. You have had seven years and by your own admission things have only gotten worse. She has so many physical issues, not to mention the mental ones. Why not let professionals care for her and you be a daughter and have some life of your own?
How YOU cope is important for both of you. Even if it’s just six months that you take for yourself and then you dive back in, consider it.
You appear to be very devoted to your mom. Consider that the both of you are worth a reboot for you. You are the leader. A good leader evaluates the situation and takes action. Wringing your hands isn’t the action you and mom need.
I am so glad you are looking for help. You need it and so does mom. Come here often for help. We will support you.
MinnieCar Aug 2020
Thank you for your kind and well thought out response. Have started therapy as per your suggestions and am using mental distancing techniques. Will consider outside help and plan for what is available, thank you
AlvaDeer Aug 2020
You moved her in with you 7 years ago.
Did you really think that her behavior would change with more company?
It didn't.
You correctly observe her behavior will get worse.
Yes, it will.
You say that you want her with you irregardless.
OK. That's fine with me.
As to how can you cope? I honestly can't imagine. I suspect in much the same way you have coped all along.

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MammaDrama Aug 2020
She will not change. Have you sat down and asked yourself what is your motivation for wanting her living with you? Is it fear, obligation, or guilt? Do you want to be a savior or a saint in the eyes of others? What do you get out of it? Seriously analyze these questions because this is your life at stake. There is no shame in allowing people who are paid and trained to handle difficult people to care for them. A loving mother wouldn’t want her child held in bondage like you are.

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