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Beekee Asked July 2020

Mom (82) just announced she has never loved a man the way she now loves her boyfriend from the memory care residence. Advice?

To all who are trying to decide if you should place your loved one in a group care facility, factor in this possibility too--your loved one could fall in love with another resident, and you'll be stuck with that facility, at that price, at that location, for longer than you thought, with no room for flexibility unless you are prepared to break your loved one's heart.


Mom has known R. less than one year. Both living in a small memory building with separate rooms, but spend all day and most nights together. Now they're both in the COVID unit of the rehab on the facility's campus, both with mild symptoms and will probably go back to their original building end of next week. Much to be grateful for, of course.


BUT the place is $9,000 per month. I've already wiped out her mutual funds paying for it, over the past 14 months. I recently surrendered one of her annuities, that will be gone too if she stays another year. This is a very expensive relationship.


AND I now have doubts about whether the facility can really provide appropriate medical care to my mother--even though she has no serious medical conditions at the moment, who can say when a new medical condition will arise?


It's an upscale place, but located in a major virus hot spot, so since the pandemic, they are constantly dealing with staff out sick, hiring less-trained substitutes, and visits to outside doctors are prohibited.


AND I have even learned of one incident when mom's boyfriend R. did not receive timely medical care for acute symptoms--FOR 3 DAYS he was confined in his room in the memory building with suspected COVID, severe diarrhea, severe dehydration, confusion, sometimes unable to respond when anyone spoke to him--FOR 3 DAYS before he was finally tested for virus, results received, and moved the next morning to COVID unit, where he received IV hydration and his mental status improved back to his usual.


All my reasoning tells me that returning her to the memory building is still not a safe a situation. Because of ongoing chaos of pandemic, she can't really receive medical care. She gets daily health monitoring from aides in the memory building--blood pressure, temperature, pulse oxymeter--but that's not really medical care. Because of ongoing chaos of pandemic, they will continue to be short-staffed, and treatment of residents' acute medical conditions may have to be postponed due to COVID precautions. I'm not comfortable with that scenario, and not comfortable paying for it.


I'm willing to bring her to my state, which has very few cases of virus, and keep her at home for a while, until conditions change and I would feel safe bringing her to adult day or a live-in facility.


BUT NOW if I move her from the current memory residence, I will be breaking her heart.


I'm so fed up with this situation.
If I had known she would fall in love with another resident and it would be impossible to move her, I never would've decided to place her in a facility at all.

OldSailor Jul 2020
I had a great grandfather that fell in love with a woman after GGrandma died. So much so that her married her. His daughter (Grandmother) was very upset and thought that this was disrespectful to her mother. But they were happy together and got a bigger room.

Beekee Jul 2020
Thanks for your responses. A "vacation" fib might work, although every time I have suggested it over the past year, she says no.

The thing is--the minute I walk out of the memory care door with her, there is no return. They are still not allowing visitors. I would have to take her directly from the memory care to the airport--what if she refuses to get on the plane?

Or I could take her to her house (40 minute drive from the memory care), which I'm sure would distract her from missing the boyfriend. But then how will I get her to leave the house and go with me to the airport? I can't possibly leave her alone in the house and go back to my own state--totally unsafe.

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JoAnn29 Jul 2020
If your Mom is in memory care than she is pretty into the desease. Her short term is probably shot. I would do what is convenient to you and money wise. She will forget him. Mom was in love with her Daycare bus driver. She would call him her boyfriend. Once she wanted me to call her boyfriend and I had no idea who she was talking about. It took me a while to figure it out. Once Mom was in an AL, she never mentioned him. Actually she went the other way, she was not interested in men. One resident was a leach. She would tell him to get away from her.

Just tell her she is going on a little vacation to your house. Its time for little fibs. She is not competent to make decisions for herself. And I am all for what is easiest for me since I am doing the caregiving.

AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Because of costs and concerns for care you may have to move your Mom. You are correct that it may break her heart. But I agree with the advice of others here. I am hoping that she would forget her new love if there is dementia involved. It is charming that she has this new interest, but truth is that one of them WILL lose the other one WAY or another. It seems that love and loss continue while we have breath.

Windyridge Jul 2020
My mom and dad were in assisted living together. Mom died in 2018. Dad was moved to memory care in the same facility. He became fixated on a woman there who had a slight resemblance to my mom. She was more demented than dad and enjoyed his attention. The staff just let it roll, seating them together for meals but keeping an eye on things. It worked out pretty well. I would visit and as I left dad would tell me to be sure and say goodbye to mom. I would stop by Ms table, give her a little hug and take off.

I think geaton May have a good point. Will she remember this guy if she is moved? My dad would probably not have missed M for very long. He was pretty easy to divert at that point.

Geaton777 Jul 2020
I've not been in your situation but wondering if her memory is far gone enough that "out of sight, out of mind" might come into play? How do you think she is remembering about the relationship from day to day?

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