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Laurabelle01 Asked June 2020

How do I cope with regret for denying that my Mom was dying?

Mom died 5/26. Hospice for a week in the hospital - I was blessed they put us in a private room and let me stay with her 24/7 until the end. She died with me holding her. For several years before her death, I moved her in with me and took care of her - sometimes full-time, sometimes with care-giving help. The last few months of her life I feel like I let her down and failed in my duties due to my refusal to admit she was dying and admit how weak, fragile she wasbroken neck, broken back. She suffered severe osteoporosis, CHF. stroke, cancer twice, auto-immune hepatitis, etc. After a January hospitalization and short rehab stint, instead of just bringing her home in hospice as the rehab facility recommended, I listened to her PCP and my own hopes and encouraged her to try more rehab month-by-month in a Restorative Care Assisted Living facility...she didn't want to come back home as a 2 person assist, and we both believed with more strength and rehab , she could be a one-person like she was before the hospital. The first month and a half she was making progress - PT/OT 5x a week 2x a day - made friends, eating better, participating in life...I visited daily and was so happy with her progress. Then COVID and quarantine changed everything. She still had her therapists, etc. and wanted to stay despite my begging her to come home. I so regret I did not just take her out and MAKE her come home with me. Her decline started - started taking naps, eating less, getting weaker...she still kept trying the therapy (loved her therapists)...she was probably starting to die - she told my aunt that she ready to go see "Pop" ( my Dad)...but she did not share this with me...Mom wanted to die ever since my Dad died 5 years ago - and I battled to keep her alive on many levels...she told me I would have to start to learn to let her go ... and still I did not listen - just "pooh-poohed" her...after days of begging her to please let me bring her home - she said we would discuss at the end of the month -before paying next month's rent. It never came - she went to the ER - her glucose crashed - liver was starting to fail ...w/o a feeding tube, doctor said she would die in less than 2 weeks - CHF, cachexia, failure to thrive, effects of stroke/heart attack...this time, when she said hospice, I supported her and stayed with her the week and a half before she died..


I so regret not just bringing her home - first after her brief rehab in Feb/ then then COVID hit ( I listened to her PCP who said she was medically safe there and cared for - better than I could do at home during a pandemic)...I think we were both wrong. Despite dropping food and surprises off, talking to her 3x a day, etc. I could not get her to come home or hold on ...and after all those years of caring for her, I feel as if I let her down those last 2.5 months when she needed me most...the pain is breaking my heart.

MAYDAY Jun 2020
Laurabelle01

Thank you. I kinda know that, but in the back of my head, is that darn old tape loop.. My family is tired of it too. That tape loop keeps repeating itself.. I should know better.
YOu have been through so much too. My friend said something to me. Her husband died of cancer. She told me, he didn't want to do this anymore". She said my mother didn't want to go anymore either. " She is right. It comes to a point, where enough is enough... Perhaps that is what we need to accept..
It's not up to us, it's up to them. I just don't know anymore. As myFIL would say, "These bodies are not made to last forever." Yup,, he is absolutely correct.
good night. Thank you again.

MAYDAY Jun 2020
So, here we stand, you and I.... your mom was on feeding tube for a week, maybe more.. Feeding Tube... You mom had professionals taking care of her...

My mom.. I had DNR on her, no intubating, no nothing. So, she was brought back to board n care... hospice... they are 99.9 % good. Not in my case. My team was off duty... :( new gal, we didn't know eachother. she wouldn't listen to MY TEAM WHEN I CALLED...

long story short... I killed my mom.. I was told to give her morphin every hour on the hour. Long story short, she suffered too. My angel finally answered my phone call, after, what seemed to be a lot of calls, he came to us. He asked where the ativan in the ER packet was... What????? I was ONLY TOLD ABOUT THE MORPHINE.... HAD I HAD known,,, ATIVAN WOULD HAVE BEEN CRUSHED IN THE POWDERED SOLUTION I SLATHERED AROUND IN HER DRY SUFFERING CHEEKS IN THE MOUTH... :(
SO... we do want we think is the right choice... we do out of love... You loved your mom as much as I loved my mom.. This is when we need to forgive ourselves. honestly... we need to forgive ourselves tell our loved ones we are sorry, please forgive us... That's all I ask... I didn't mean to drag this on as much as it has,,,PLEASE FOR GIVE US.... PLEEASE
Laurabelle01 Jun 2020
Please - I have started grief counseling; you should explore that as well...it helps you see things more realistically, more truthfully...what is really your responsibility - to LOVE AND SUPPORT her -which you did to a fault. There is nothing more blessed ( and difficult ) than to support your parent in his/her last day ...all you did, you did out of love...and THAT is never wrong, never a mistake, and you Mom knows that ..( and so do you if you let yourself breathe and really "see" the truth). You did not kill her at all...you did your best ( as did I)...we can do no more - nor is more required...

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MAYDAY Jun 2020
please stop the guilt. This is my personal advice. My mom died a couple years ago. I still feel guilty. Your mom loves you.

I feel I did everything wrong. For that, mom died. Mom was 90. stopped talking a couple years ago. That was extremely sad.

Juliarose is correct : She’s free from pain now. It’s only hard for us left behind. I’m so glad you were able to be with her at the end. God bless.

JuliaRose Jun 2020
It is OK to be feeling what you’re feeling. Grief has many aspects, especially when you’ve cared for someone as much as you did. You fought to keep her alive for 5 years, so of course death feels like you lost the battle, and you’re evaluating what you could have done differently.

But, It doesn’t sound like there was any neglect or mistreatment of your dear Mother, thankfully. It sounds like it was her time to go. It’s even possible that your mother was able to go on her own terms easier being away from you. I mean, she obviously loved you, and it is hard to leave someone you love. There are many stories of people passing away after their loved one leaves for a walk or goes away for a bit. It was as though they chose that time.

She’s free from pain now. It’s only hard for us left behind. I’m so glad you were able to be with her at the end. God bless.

Sneaky8 Jun 2020
You did not let her down, she made those choices and you respected them. You let her choose with dignity. You don't know if she would have taken this same path even if you took her home.

lealonnie1 Jun 2020
You should never regret taking steps to prolong a loved one's life, my friend. You did what you did with the very best of intentions, and your mom wanted to stay in the rehab, don't forget, as she was making good progress. So to blame yourself or to feel regret is senseless. To feel hope, even in what may be a hopeless situation, is never 'wrong'....it's the best of being human, in reality. You can't make a seriously ill person 'hold on' for longer than they're able, and when God is ready to take them Home, He does so. With or without OUR approval.

Know deep down in your heart that you did the right thing all along for your beloved mom, and that now she is at peace & in joyful & blessed reunion with her husband and loved ones.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace as you grieve this huge loss.
Laurabelle01 Jun 2020
I just ache... when the first stint at rehab was done ( about 3 weeks), she wanted to come home with one caregiver ( me -evenings/nights/weekends) and a day caregiver when I work ( full time - necessity ). She was too weak and the doctor and therapists said it was dangerous until she got stronger without 2 people to assist - bed/toilet/shower/wheelchair,dressing, etc. I had hurt myself ( and almost her- as she had slipped from my arms before), so the choice we made was try more rehab to get stronger or hire 2 caregivers for my home,,,she did not want to hire the extra caregivers and wanted to try the rehab at the assisted living restorative care facility ---I was hopefully optimisitc - the place was really nice , the people caring, the therapists wonderful and as I said until quaratine -she was really thriving in the new environment -making friends, eating with people...looking forward to therapy ...when she maxed out at PT due to not progressing fast enough, I did a self-pay arrangement ( last 3 weeks before she got sick) so they would not stop and she would not lose hope and give up ...she never knew she has "peaked" and kept trying til almost the end - God Bless Her - I was always so proud of her fighting spirit. i just did not want her to give up ...I worry though that her not being home had a negative affect on her emotionally...and my choice, though well-intentioned- was ill-advised. Thank you for your input ...this is oh so hard to process and accept.
earlybird Jun 2020
Oh my, reading your story is breaking my heart. You did not let your mother down, she wanted to stay at the rehab. Please do not feel guilty. You were so fortunate to be with your mom for over a week until she passed on. What a beautiful relationship you had with your mom. How special is that. It is so difficult to let go especially being a loving caregiver like yourself and the closeness you had with your mother. You did everything you could do for your mom, now it is time to keep her close to your heart and hang on to the wonderful memories of your dear mother. I know it must be hard, but your mother was ready to go. Thank God you were able to stay with her during the time she needed you most, others were not that fortunate. She had so many health problems and now she is at peace with God and your dad. Sending you special prayers for Gods comfort and peace during this difficult time in your life. Remember she will be in your heart forever. Hugs!
Laurabelle01 Jun 2020
Thank you for really "hearing" me...you have a kind and gentle heart - appreciate your empathy ... I adored my Mom and Dad - they both had tough lives but were such wonderful parents...I could never repay all they did for me...hopefully, God's love and time will heal my regret and guilt for not being "perfect". God Bless You...

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