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sandifeelsurpne Asked April 2020

Abusive parents that you're to good to give up on, but how do I deal with my father? He is just down right nasty.

Well my dad has cancer and I guess you would say that the count down has begun. He's always been nasty to this family and just because he's dying he has to start down right nasty arguments that he knows he's just acting like a child like he always has. I love my family but they've all torn me down all my life and I can honestly say that I am proud to be such a caring and heart felt woman. I don't know where I could've possibly inherited it from. I guess it must've been God's greatest angel. We have to keep him on morphine every 8 hours so he's doped up and not starting fights and arguments. I make them breakfast evertime they ask. I will be at a friend's and my mom will call me to come all the way back to give him his meds. I just feel that he's been such a prune his whole life that I wonder if he's gonna end up somewhere in another dimension with fire. He has a big heart but he's just so selfish and just down right nasty. Well he was p.o'd because I left a little piece of egg in the frying pan and then proceeded to scream that I used his nasty dirty silverware that he would use for a freakn decade if I would let him. It's not mine or anyone else's fault that he's dying but he always has played the blame game. How in the world am I gonna deal with this man. He's terrible to the core?

Lizzyvoo Apr 2020
"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" (Margalis Fjelstad) is a great book for you to read. It will help you understand your father's neurosis (better now than never) and it will also help you to change. Create boundaries, deflect the rage and learn not to take their behaviour so seriously. Someone recommended it on this site and it's been a great read. I now can identify when my dad is baiting me and looking for an argument (he's the same as your dad, cancer, end of life, treated his family terribly), I ignore, deflect, and laugh things off. I live with him and wish to maintain my identity, mental health and dignity in this very stressful time.

elaine1962 Apr 2020
Walk away from it all and have hospice take over.

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MammaDrama Apr 2020
Allowing his bad behavior allows you to feel good really about yourself.

Why would you want that to stop?

Think about that.

Countrymouse Apr 2020
If your mother is not able to support your father through his end of life care, she must call in hospice.

I can't quite get over this line -

"... and just because he's dying he has to start down right nasty arguments that he knows he's just acting like a child..."

*Just* because he's dying?

What do you think is a good enough reason to cut a man some slack?

Your father has not been fun to live with or be brought up by. I do get that. That's a very good reason why you would find it impossible to give him the care he needs now.

But in that case, accept that it is impossible and stop trying to do it. Step away.

JoAnn29 Apr 2020
Just read your profile

"I don't have a greedy or stingy or mean bone in my body"

This is your problem and Dad feeds off of it. Your too good. You are now an adult and as one deserve to be respected. Why did you have to leave a friends to give Dad his pills? Mom isn't capable of doing it? It seems to me Dad is. I think you are being taken advantage of here. I love this "you aren't enabling, you are disabling". (Another member posted that) Meaning have your parents do what they can do for themselves. And don't jump every time they ask you to do something. And ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship. Are you still looking for that love Dad never gave you. Do you think he will change before he dies. Just because ur one of their children does not mean you owe them. Actually, a child abused in any way should not care for a parent.

If you don't have pill planners get them. Once a week fill them up. Put in a convenient place for Dad to get to with a glass of water.

What health problems does Mom have that keeps her from caring for Dad.

Geaton777 Apr 2020
If he's abusive to you it's because you're allowing it. Yet you're asking how you're "gonna deal with this man"? I'm assuming you've heard about boundaries? If not, please do some research so that you learn how to protect yourself in this situation since you seem bent on staying. You know you have a choice, right? You do not have to provide their care going forward. You owe them nothing, no matter what their hopes and expectations for care are. Did they ever ask if you wanted to be their caregiver? Or did they just assume after being nasty to you during your life. You are not responsible for their happiness. They are adults who had their whole lives to figure out how their exit will go, cancer or not. You can choose to step back, or away completely, and let another family member or the county be his guardian. That may be just the wake-up call he needs. But if you don't decide to erect boundaries and you choose to stay, that's on you. I wish you peace in your heart as act to protect yourself.

lilhelp Apr 2020
I get this kind of treatment from rude family.  I love to laugh out loud hard so everyone hears, and say 'You're such a card!'  and quickly move to another subject.  Other times, I'll say 'hey, knock it off ~ it's Christmas (bday, Saturday, whatever), and it'll be over soon.'  They're usually so caught off guard, they shut up, which is always a good thing.

I'd laugh out loud about the piece of egg in the pan, and say 'You're so funny; I planned to eat that." 

JoAnn29 Apr 2020
Tell him dying does not give him the right to treat you or anybody like a piece of shit. If he can't treat you with respect, then he can get his own breakfast. Cold cereal is real easy to make. Give him the bowl, milk and box.

When he starts, walk out. He won't starve. He will find something to eat. And if he does get hungry enough, maybe he will be nicer to you.

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