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wiseowl Asked March 2020

My mother is fine when I visit alone but if I go with anyone else, she is rude to (and about) me. Any suggestions as to how to deal?

My mother has Lewy Body Dementia and lives in a care home. She has good days and bad days. When she has visitors she is quite animated and happy, particularly to see my brothers and their wives or as they live away. If I attend with them (or my daughter) she will treat me with contempt. An example would be telling them I vist her whether she wants me to or not. Yet we have always been close and she appears to value my visits when I am alone. Along with my stepfather, I support and vist more than any of the others. It is puzzling.

wiseowl Mar 2020
Ha ha! Where would we be without them?

MAYDAY Mar 2020
She is scared. Losing control, losing the ability to control her environment, and other factors.... That is totally understandable.

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MAYDAY Mar 2020
she wasn't like this when you two were younger. If you can take her out,, that may be okay and good. So I found out the hard way with my brother. He couldn't tell the difference between a spoon and a fork.... :( Or, was this my mom? I forget... They both had it.. I lost them to close together... My oldest sibling says I am next... Oh well, it doesn't matter, we don't talk much.
And if that's the case... GIVE ME TREATS. MUSIC, AND let us dance !!! I can't dance,, but if I come down with EARLY ALZ, ETC... I will not care if I miss the beat... Let's dance .. :) Enjoy the time with mom... And if she gets cranky.. it's time to say, LOVE YOU MOM... See you tomorrow :) Give her a kiss on the cheek... It will be ok.

MAYDAY Mar 2020
There was another issue on the site... Mom didn't want to see her husband or their daughter// they were very close.. Issues were considered on this site that perhaps, mom didn't want to see her LO's suffer... or vs.
When you do visit...make it about love.. music, dancing.. what makes her happy?
She may not want to see someone unhappy.. What was one of her favorite past times, if you know? Bring in photos, music, dance..FOOD.. FUN FOOD. AND TREATS!!! Any favorite treats she made with your kids in her home or yours?
Lighten up a bit if you can.. She sees you the most... Make it happy bring her milkshakes etc... Do bring in your kids, but make it fun for everyone. Even if it's for 5 minutes... Make it fun.. make it short.. I am learning a lil bit too late..

fun and short do not force anyone to say anything to anyone... Let nature take its course.. If no one wants to hug, or say hello... then let it go.. if not today, perhaps tomorrow... music, dance, and fun food.. Who can ask for more? Once mom gets crabby and shows distain,,, say I LOVE U MOM... see you in a couple days.

REMEMBER::::: ::::::: DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY... YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!! THIS FEELING IS GOING BOTH WAYS... IT'S HARD ON HER TOO. TRULY...all of you are on a path.. amends need to be made. sometimes silently., understand she loves you.. Period...
wiseowl Mar 2020
Thank you Mayday, making it fun is good advice. We take photos and concentrate on happy times. I also do the distraction thing and it works too. We remember the good times where possible!
AlvaDeer Mar 2020
I would at this point only visit alone, and I would inform family of why. Without anger or animus. Just letting them know that it is likely a manifestation of her disease, but that you find it hurtful and disturbing despite knowing that, and that -- realistically-- breaking up the visits gives her more quality time. Then see your family on your own for a peaceful dinner out or some such. Good luck.
wiseowl Mar 2020
I have considered this myself. It is helpful to have someone else confirm. Thank you so much for taking the time.
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
I know this behavior. It wasn’t related to dementia though. It was related to someone who had bipolar disorder. She’s deceased now but when she was married she would start a fight in front of others to get the reaction of an audience.

It made me incredibly uncomfortable and I left. I also told her that I would never be an audience for her behavior which was degrading to her husband.

The thrill for her was having others witness her outburst. I would leave if I were you.

I’m sorry that you have dealt with this. It’s hurtful. I can’t speak to how it’s related to dementia but others who are knowledgeable of this in your situation will be able to help you.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
wiseowl Mar 2020
That's interesting because my mother was diagnosed years ago with Manic Depression which has been rebranded Bipolar (I think). My stepfather does not think this is relevant but I do.

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