Ways to redirect?

I don't feel right lying to Mom either so, when she states she is going home, I just say, "Really? The doctor hasn't told me that yet." Which is a true enough statement (since I never actually talk to the doctor there). Then I'll say we have to wait for the doctor to say it's OK for her to leave and I'll move on to another topic. Most of the time that works.

Why not tell her she is home. She lives right here in the house. You can show her the room she sleeps in, her closet, her clothes.
But at some point this also will not work.
You can not argue, you can not reason. You will never win!
You can agree
You can try to engage in more conversation. It sounds like when you try to redirect her she thinks you are trivializing what she is saying. Validate what she is saying and see if that works.
The conversation about where did the people go...Ask her where she thinks they went. About her husband...Where do you think he is and take the conversation from there. If she gets upset at the thought that he is dead do not bring it up again on this you should try to change the subject.

The front door and any other she can get out of..Try placing a large black or dark rug in front of the door. Some people with dementia think that there is a hole in front of the door and will not go across it. Someone else on this forum put more door knobs on the door and it confuses her loved one they can not figure out what knob will open the door. An alarm that is normally on a bed, can be placed on the floor by the door an alarm will sound if she steps on it.

This suggestion might help or might be a disaster. I think it’s a great idea to take photos of ‘home’ and put them in an album, every time you move. Everything, the bathroom, the view from the washing up, the front steps etc. Perhaps even a video, like they put on sale posts on the net. Once your home has been broken up, it is really really nice to be able to see what it looked like. I’d love a chance to ‘see’ the house I grew up in, the way it was as a child!

For you and your mother, it might be possible to use it to explain why she isn’t living there. ‘Look, this is where you fell down going to the bathroom’. ‘Don’t you remember how hard those steps used to be’. ‘I’m not sure that you could put things away in those high cupboards now’. ‘It’s so big – it was so hard for me to do the cleaning there as well as for my own house’. And no, you won't be lying to her!

Just an idea to consider. Best wishes.

Stop listening to her speech for content. You are attempting to impose “truth” on a brain that is progressively more and more damaged.

Your statements about her comments reveal the products of a brain in which fact is no longer fact.

Why would you be exhausted by her utterances? More likely you are exhausted by trying to think of ways to help her make sense of her own thinking, and as we all have painfully learned YOU CAN’T DO THAT, and that will not happen.

Let her talk, let her tell you that she hates you and you are a fool, let her tell you that Prince Charles stole her nightgown........ none of her thinking is right, so none of what she says is right.

SAFETY is quite another thing. You do need to be sure she cannot put herself somewhere dangerous when you are not watching her. If you find that she cannot be trusted to be by herself at all, as my own mom was, you will have to hire caregivers to watch her while you aren’t present.

Remember, what she says is NOT something to hold against her, nor is it interactive as communication.

My mother was initially diagnosed with MCI and short term memory loss 5 years ago, but has started developing some mild dementia behaviors in the last year after my father's death, the biggest one being becoming disoriented to the current time and wanting to go visiting or needing to go take care of her parents.

I also have a problem lying to Mom, so I redirect or answer most of the time with versions of the truth. As a Christian I consider death the ultimate healing and heaven the ultimate home so when my mother asks about a deceased relative or an illness he/she once had I answer with "she's back home and doing fine now, her wild days are behind her" (Mom most often worries about a younger sister). Often when she gets started about wanting to visit her aunts or her parents, I can postpone ("It's so cold today, maybe tomorrow will be nicer to get out.") or usually reorient her back to the current time. "You're 88 years old now and I'm 56. You and your siblings and cousins are the older generation now. If your daddy were still alive he would be 115 years old now". Mom will often respond with memories of the person's death, followed by some memories of when they were living. Mom stays oriented in the here and now better when she watches the local news and reads the newspaper. The best redirection is to start talking about her grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

I agree that validating, mirroring, and asking more questions is worth a try. So “where are all those other people who were here” gets “I have lost track — who all was here? How were they doing? What did you talk about?” By then her train of thought may have derailed and she’ll get a little bored and change the subject or just “zone out”. My Mom’s concern was always about her brother Leo. He had been upstairs a few minutes ago or were we sure he had been invited for Thanksgiving and was he going to be able to come, etc. So I could just say, he’s gone back home — remember how far away from here he’s been living? Or yes, we invited him and his family. They are unable to make the long drive but send their love. Again, not lying as much as delving into or joining her in what is “her truth” in a way that respects her perspective. My favorite episode re “I want to go home” was when we drove with Mom from Dallas to Albuquerque to see several members of the family who live there. This was after Mom had been living with us for about 9 years. We had moved once and had now been living in Dallas for about 3 years. We drove home from Albuquerque and she sat down in her chair in the living room and looked around and said, “This room is decorated EXACTLY like my living room back home!” I enjoyed feeling like at least she had begun to think of us as home in some odd ways. (By the way, her way of decorating a room and mine have always been quite different, and she was never shy about telling me about pieces she didn’t like — like a papier-mache horse that kept looking at her funny or a flower arrangement that she found creepy). Those things just got moved to places where she would not run across them. Maybe that was what made her think she was the decorator. Anyway, what I said was, “that’s because this is your home”. What I wish I’d said was “I have always like the way you could make a room feel homey.” Anyway, Mom went “home” almost exactly 2 years ago. Right after that my husband was diagnosed with moderate cognitive decline, so it’s a double-header. I’ve learned a lot, and have a lot left to learn. But it’s been good for me to remember the times with Mom that I wish I’d responded differently. Sometimes that helps me be more compassionate and creative in responding to my husband now. A bit of a rant, but bottom line — joining them where they are and loving them there is not as much lying to them as it is respect for who they are now. Treating them as if they were who they used to be, now maybe that’s where the lying (to ourselves and to them) comes in.

Be direct and kind. Say, "You must stay here tonight (which is the truth)" and "I'm not sure where ______ is, but they are not here now (which is also the truth)." Then, change the subject. If your mom is a sharp cookie, she will realize you are changing the subject. Tell her, "I'd rather talk about ______ instead,"

"Home" can be symbolic for someone with dementia - meaning the place where they were before they got dementia - when they were independent and life was happier. I try not to lie, but rather to soften the truth. People are not here, this is her home now. Every move for someone with dementia is difficult. Is she living with you? How is her sense of place? If she is a wanderer this can be a danger for her safety. In the facility where my mother lives she wore a bracelet that set off alarms when she got near the door.

We can only try various "tricks" (fibs, redirecting, etc) - but they don't always work, as you have discovered.

If you told her the truth, would she also accuse you of lying? If so, you are in a difficult place! I know if I told my mother that her mother, or a younger sister (more recent reference) were gone, it would upset her a lot! She also would forget, so she would have to relive that upset every time I told her they were gone. I am fortunate in that most responses work and she accepts them (such as deferring a trip to a previous home, her mother's, etc., reasons being time, weather, they are in FL or some such.)

Hopefully you can find a way around these. The repetition alone can be hard, but being unable to field her responses is worse! At the very least, don't feel guilty for trying to skirt the issues.

Is it that she can't remember or is it that she won't accept the answer? When someone is terribly lost in place and time and the home they long for is the one they lived in 50 years ago redirection may be the only answer, but as Grandma1954 has said sometimes the truth may be the best answer - "You can't go home because... (insert reasons you made this step)...., I brought you here to my home because I love you and want to look after you". Of course then she'll likely deny there is anything wrong with her....