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Samantha252 Asked February 2020

Cleaning for elderly man. How do I get out of this mess?

I clean for an elderly man, it was meant to be once a fortnight but I now do it once a week (one week is unpaid). I genuinely didn't mind doing this as I know he gets lonely and its not a hard job, so I felt like I was doing some good. Well as time has passed he has become spiteful. He says horrible things like I'm ill educated, I should of used contraception with my kids, I can't drive (I can drive I just don't want to take him supermarket at busy times as I do my shopping early morning to avoid that rush but always offer to get him things he may need) as well as the weekly cleans he now expects me to take my son there every Saturday but has started saying these kind of mean comments in front of my son (who doesn't understand as he is autistic). I feel really stupid posting about this but I just need to vent really because the things he says although don't sound bad are making me so depressed. He questions me like I'm a criminal and I have to in depth explain my week and what I've done and why I didn't invite him. I'm really starting to dread going. I know how pathetic I sound I know. I'm a grown woman but if I try to defend myself he gets worse. I can't do this much longer I need to break away but without the horrible feeling of guilt. He does have children but I think they think it's great they get to stay away so I get it in the neck instead. I think when people don't visit or do as he wants he takes this out on me but I'm not his verbal punchbag. I'm not paid enough for this. Any ideas on how to get out of this mess?

Countrymouse Feb 2020
Samantha, this man has been mentally beating you up. That's why you couldn't think straight enough to see how exploitative and abusive his behaviour has been, or defend your right to fair pay for your work and decent treatment in your workplace. It may take you some time to recover from the experience: do you have anyone you can talk it through with?

Goodness I'll be glad to hear you've escaped him! What a nasty bully.
Samantha252 Feb 2020
No I've been speaking about it with a friend who gets really angry about it because we're the type of people to help anyone etc but I do see clearly about all this now and that's why I posted this on here. I wasn't sure what to do. You've all been a great support and I will be quitting this job. I'm doing a letter tomorrow to give him Monday (my day that I'm supposed to be there) so I'll do the clean and hand him the letter and walk out. He expects us there Saturday but it's not happening I expect he will be calling but I will send a polite msg stating we are busy and not delve deeper. (is this reasonable?) It's not worth my time and certainly not worth my mental health. Thanks so much to you and everyone.
Grandma1954 Feb 2020
Samantha...
You are working for an agency. They are supposed to "protect" their employees.
If a client is getting abusive it is time to talk to your supervisor and ask for a change. I am sure there are other employees that will take this job and you can be assigned another.
If you have no luck talking to your supervisor then go "up the chain of command"

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cwillie Feb 2020
First, stop doing extra work for no pay - better yet insist on being paid for all your hours and no doubt he'll show you to the door. Really though, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Putting in extra time with no pay just let him know you were a doormat that wouldn't push back, so he's been pushing the boundaries farther.

When you clean for people it is a fact of life that your clients come and go, and for the most part they'll never think twice a when they terminate your services. Unlike his kids you have no reason to accept his abuse, just give him your notice.
Samantha252 Feb 2020
Thank you
surprise Feb 2020
Samantha, You must protect your son from this environment! You won't be able to get a good reference from this man and you need to protect your self as well as your children. Don't go back. You can mail him a letter saying that you are not longer able to service his home and that you wish him well. I would not go into all the rest as it will make him mad even if it's true, and he will likely call you at all hours to pester you if he's mad (be prepared to block him, too). You want it in writing so he can look at it again and again and remember you are not coming back.

If you have belongings at his place, you can go back to get them if they are really expensive, but I would not tell him that you are not coming back in person. I am concerened that he might become physical if he gets angry. Under no circumstances do you bring your child inside. If you can possibly skip retrieving your items that would be best.

I see red flags all over. Protect yourself and please don't go back. This is not your responsibility!
Samantha252 Feb 2020
I don't think he is able to get violent due to age but I think if he was younger that would be an issue but yes I do totally agree. I'm going to write a letter and leave this. I feel very guilty but I can't do this and I don't want my little boy hearing anyone say anything rude to me. Thanks so much for your words and I assure you it's taken on board. This isn't my problem. X
Countrymouse Feb 2020
Er, yes. My idea is you leave this job and take another one where your employer treats you nicely. Or at least isn't extraordinarily abusive, and offensive to you in front of your child.

WHY would you feel guilty about that? The man has children - let them sort out his mess. The man is at least able to make himself unpleasant - let him see if he can get another cleaner who'll put up with this rubbish for five minutes. And if anyone you cared about - your friend, your family member - were being treated in this way, what would you think she should do?

NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
You have children so I know that you will relate to this. We teach our children many lessons in life. They teach us too. Yes, we learn lessons from many sources, including our children.

One day I was having a conversation with my college aged daughter about not holding a very high opinion of myself. I felt a bit lost that day and she noticed. She asked me what was wrong? So, I told her. I had been mistreated by someone I had been helping, just like you are being mistreated. This person had been abandoned by family and friends too. She had chased everyone away.

I learned a lot from my daughter ‘s response to me. She said, “Mom, people will treat you according to how you treat yourself. You always taught me to value myself so I don’t understand why you are not valuing yourself. You taught me to have self respect because you always said that people will not respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves.” A light bulb went off! I did teach my daughters that lesson but I clearly wasn’t following it myself. Later that day, I told the person that I was helping that I would no longer be available to help them. I felt relieved and got my self respect back.

Sometimes we just need to be reminded of who we are. You deserve respect. You know this. Say goodbye to this person and you will find another place to work.

Best wishes to you. Take care. 💗
anonymous1010889 Feb 2020
I love that story. It’s a good reminder to all of us!
Kimmotion Feb 2020
Sounds like it's time for you to call it quits. It's hard, but necessary. I was in a similar position to you, but 15 at the time. The elderly woman I was working for started to take advantage of my good nature, she began guilt tripping me to the point where I was eventually miserable. At that point, I decided that though my intentions were good, this was more than I could deal with and left. It gets to a point where you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Just tell him flat out that you can't do it anymore, and he'll have to hire someone else. Be honest and frank about it. He might give you a hard time about it, but he already does that anyway, right? Just walk away, because it's not worth sacrificing your mental/emotional wellbeing. And no, that's not being selfish or cruel, it's taking care of yourself which is essential.
Samantha252 Feb 2020
Thank you for your words
anonymous1010889 Feb 2020
Samantha,

You’ve gotten great advice already. I just want to add that you shouldn’t feel guilty. You have done nothing to feel that way. You are a compassionate, caring person that tried to help. This is all on him. Hold your head high!
Samantha252 Feb 2020
Thank you so much for your words x
Isthisrealyreal Feb 2020
Samantha, you have no reason to feel guilty or bad. You have been a good friend to him. He can not say the same.

Friendship is a two way street and this has been very one sided.

I wouldn't recommend sending his children a letter that states that you see that he is needing more and more help and you thought you would just give them a heads up about his increasing needs.

Best of luck.
Samantha252 Feb 2020
Thank you so much.
Geaton777 Feb 2020
Samantha252, lots of sound advice has been given to you. I would add that, if you are able, when you contact his family to resign also let them know that he may be to the point of requiring more services than just cleaning. You don't need to say more than that, but if I were this man's children, I'd want to know. Make sure you let them know you've been "donating" an extra cleaning every other week for X amount of weeks (not to seek payment, but just to let them know). This gentleman maybe has the beginnings of cognitive decline — again his family should be given the opportunity to address it.
Samantha252 Feb 2020
Thanks so much, yes I think they need to be aware and that's been half my worry that no one will even be there to talk to him anymore because I think I'm receiving his highs and lows and I can see when he says they've been away on a holiday etc he is angry so I feel I'm getting the anger that is intended for them.
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