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whiz95 Asked January 2020

Should I or could you, post on Facebook how children and grandchildren have cut off parents?

The deep love and caring for years, can be erased completely by several days of disagreement on two parents, ( 95 years old ) staying at home. Husband's care for wife of 73 years. Love has been / is, less than skin deep, Any contact to us from family has been eliminated. Caregiver of our health has agreed husband is capable of proper care at home !

Countrymouse Jan 2020
Do not post on Facebook ANYTHING that you would not want everybody in the world to know, misunderstand, and remember forever.

So - no, don't take this disagreement with your children online. Please don't.

Who is the "caregiver of your health"?

Give your children a copy of the essential book "Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End" by Atul Gawande. It will help them regain perspective on who is and should be in charge of decisions such as the one your family is currently struggling with.

Meanwhile: how are you and your spouse managing? What are the main challenges?
whiz95 Jan 2020
I'd just like the world to know how heartless they are,
One dominant son (62) has convinced every one that he is 100 % right. Yet he has tears talking about his last dog.
We are in a Senior Life program and wife has aids visiting twice a day for 1/2 hour.
They would not take anything from me, it's pure hate .
Ahmijoy Jan 2020
Unfortunately, and not to sound harsh, but the people who would read your rant on Facebook would more than likely eviscerate you. People on Facebook can be cruel and nasty. It’s easy to post insults when you are on an anonymous site and you will find yourself their target. Not only that, but strangers won’t care about your concerns and issues.

You would be better served to speak with a therapist or your religious leader if you have one.

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gladimhere Jan 2020
My daughter posted crap about dysfunction and my broken relationships with my twisted sissies. How hurt she was by the break. She loves all of us, blah,blah,blah.... I saw it, didn't even read the whole thing, never went back to read the replies. This daughter and I have struggled with our relationship since I started four years of caring for my demented mom, who passed 2.5 years ago.

Daughter believed every nasty thing twisteds told her. That hurts! And then to post on FB?! She only considers one side of the stories, because for whatever reason that is what she wants to believe. Who knows?

She posting to FB cut deep. Why would she do that is anyone's guess. I now think she is narcissistic and wanting attention because of her hurt over my broken relationship with twisteds.. poor, poor daughter! Is it really about her or any of her business? Never.

Do not post to FB if you ever want a chance for relationship with them.

HelloImMinsu Jan 2020
Don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook, nobody likes that.

anonymous972110 Jan 2020
This post sounds very similar to two other recent posts. And the same lack of awareness that they, the poster might have given the children/grandchildren a reason to back off.

anonymous972110 Jan 2020
you would be better served and more likely to resolve these issues if you speak with your children and grandchildren. Telling the world they are heartless is no way to resolve this problem. Making it public will only make them more distant.

ML4444 Jan 2020
Several things come to mind:
1. If you NEVER want to fix any relationships, go ahead and post it on facebook.
2. We are only hearing 1 side of the story. What would the family say about their childhood, early years and adulthood. You sound bitter and judgmental....is that how you sound to them?

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2020
So, your child wants you to move to a facility where there can be 24/7 care, yes?

In case of emergency, do you call this son to assist? Maybe this is wearing him out? Maybe his marriage is falling apart. Maybe he cant take a vacation to see his grandkids?

Please look at this from another's perspective.

GardenArtist Jan 2020
Whiz, asking someone to post on another forum, especially one like FB, is asking that someone to assume legal liability for FB's egregious self protection and compromise of security through its advertising and other methods to enhance FB's wealth.

You wrote:  "I'd just like the world to know how heartless they are".    Would that really solve anything?   Or abate the sadness you feel?  You're hurt, and angry.  I can understand that.    But sharing it so publicly won't change that.

Heed the advice of those who have already posted.    Airing a grievance can only worsen it if outsiders become involved. 

It seems that there are some deep rifts in the family.   Do you have any insight into why the family feels this way, and why the younger ones are so distant?  

Apparently it arose from a disagreement about your "staying home".   This probably links to many other issues, such as your current health, the care you may or may not have, and more.   

Whether or not elders stay in their own homes or accept placements in care facilities seems to be a major issue, and point of disagreement, for families addressing this issue.

Please understand that I write this not to be cruel, but to offer insight based on what you've written.   If your family has decided to withhold visits because you and your wife refuse to leave your home, and your response is to publicize their cruelty, this suggests to me that resolving issues is challenging, if not problematic, and that negotiation and "meeting of the minds" is equally challenging. 

Are you religious?   If so, could you ask your rabbi, pastor, imam, priest or other religious person to intervene and moderate?

Again, I am not trying to disparage your family or be critical; I just think that the feelings on each side may be too strong for either to compromise, and outside assistance may be of benefit.

worriedinCali Jan 2020
Are the mods editing posts? This is the 2nd post in a week that has been changed after people replied....and now some of the responders replies seem a little harsh because certain details have vanished from the OP.

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