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Lucipadgett Asked January 2020

Should I be paid for taking care of my mother with no help from anybody else?

I changed my whole life to do this and I get no help from anybody. I gave up all my friends and can very seldom go do anything that I need to do my mom is very hard to care for she expects me to be where she can see me. The more I do for her the more she wants. I have to sit and hold her hand. She tells anybody she talks to that I'm never here. She doesn't do anything to help herself I do everything for her. The first 6 months I did not take any money for this. After that I started being paid 600.00 dollars a month and it's not really enough but I can deal with it. My sister pays me out of mom's money and I don't feel good about taking money of moms. Am I right to feel this way? I work hard and rarely get to sit down. I feel like I deserve to be paid but mom doesn't have a lot of money. She can afford to pay me but I don't feel right. My mom is not a easy person to take care of and I have a son who depends on me for everything and he has had cancer twice and has a very bad life threatning seizure disorder and lives alone. I'm all he has and I'm overwhelmed by all this and my health is fairly bad also. I THINK I NEED HELP WITH EVERYTHING AND DESERVE TO MAKE SOME MONEY. AM I WRONG? I FEEL LIKE I'M WRONG TO EXPECT TO BE PAID.

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
You are not wrong. You deserve respect, gratitude, more pay, more time for yourself and your family, peace of mind, a glorious vacation, a bouquet of roses, an award, a million hugs and maybe even sainthood!

I’m so sorry for your frustration and pain. Take one step at the time until you figure out how to solve the huge challenge that you are facing at the moment. You sound worn out. It’s exhausting emotionally and physically to be a caregiver.

Onlywhenlucid Jan 2020
Dear Lucipadgett,

I do not want to hurt you, but you need to be realistic.
Most family caretakers do not get paid.
Even worse....at the end ……...you do not even get Thanked. The LO goes.....hopefully knowing that they could not swallow, walk, sit, or understand. They go confused, hopefully not in pain.
While they are alive, you changed them myriad times, you fed them, you were patient, you bathe them, you here...you there....you that....you over there.....non stop Darling.
Just know all this work is of the Lord. Give it to Him. Offer it to Him.

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Lvnsm1826 Jan 2020
With all the help you give her, you don't have to feel bad about being paid. You aren't taking it for selfish reasons. You just need an income. Other wise, one gets resentful.

cwillie Jan 2020
I'm a firm believer that family caregivers should be paid for the care they provide.

Could your mother live completely independently without any care? If not then without you she would need to pay for outside help, and I'm sure you know that it would cost her much more than $600/month. Not only are you providing a higher level of care than she might otherwise have available you are doing it for pennies on the dollar, why would you feel any guilt for that?
needtowashhair Jan 2020
I completely agree with you. Unfortunately many people put no value on caregiving. Particularly the government. How many times have we heard some story about medicaid coming down on a caregiver because they didn't pay half the expenses while caring for a LO? They don't care that caregiver was on duty 24/7. They just care about the money. Caregiving has zero value. It gets no consideration. At a minimum, it should have value in the medicaid equation. I've heard that some people have successfully fought medicaid on that. Even without a caregiver agreement, they were able to prevail in court arguing that their years of caregiving had monetary value. Medicaid should just factor that into the equation from the start.
anonymous1007204 Jan 2020
You feel bad that you get paid from your mother's money. I would tell your sister and other siblings if you have any to pay you from their money. If they won't you could say in that case you'd like to trade places and they can take care of her. As hard as it is we love our parents 💗

CTTN55 Jan 2020
From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Ramina, who is 90 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, sleep disorder, and vision problems."

You gave up your home to live with your mother to take care of her. From the description above of her issues, you must be one very busy caregiver! $600/MONTH is all that you get? Have you worked that out to the hourly figure? Is that all you're worth?

You write that you don't want your mother in a nursing home. What would happen if you became unable to take care of her? (Did you know that 30 - 40% of caregivers die before the one they take care of, closer to 40% if there is Alzheimer's?) Would your POA sister become the fulltime 24/7/365 caregiver? And what would happen to your son?

What is your mother's financial situation? Would she be eligible for Medicaid? Is is just you and a sister, or are there other siblings, also? Why do you think a nursing home wouldn't work out for your mother? Wouldn't that make things so much better for YOU?

Do you have retirement savings and/or a pension? Did you give up a job to go and live with your mother to become her fulltime caregiver?

YOU MATTER.

gemmab123 Jan 2020
After reading your post I wonder if you are in a good position to be caring for your mom? You also seem torn between wanting to get paid and not using your mom's money. No one can tell you how to feel. Plenty of people get paid for caregiving and plenty don't. Everyone situation is different. Perhaps consider, with your sister's help, moving mom to a facility where she can be cared for by others and you can visit her as much as feels good for you. She will only age, requiring more care, as will you, and you will have to decide for yourself if that's a road you want to go down. best wishes

freqflyer Jan 2020
Lucipadgett, the vast majority of grown children who are caregivers to their parent(s) do not get paid.... unless the parent can pay you from her own savings account.

Since you are getting some money, make sure you create an employment contract. Reason for this is in case later down the road your Mom needs to apply for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. That way any salary given to you won't be considered "gifting" by Medicaid.
https://www.agingcare.com/documents/personal_care_agreement_AgingCare.pdf

Now, you can call your State Medicaid office to see what programs are available in your State. Most States do offer some type of payment for caregiving, but it varies from State to State. Don't be surprised if the salary is minimum wage for a few hours per week.

Sounds like you are on the verge of caregiving burnout, and believe me, no amount of money will cure that. You need to set boundaries. Do only what you can within reason. If your Mom needs more care then just you, then it is time to think about a senior facility where Mom would have 3 shifts of caregivers helping her. I realized this may not be what you wanted for Mom.

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