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Been here at mom's since stepdad died, working on the 8th yr. That was the plan me & mom had if something should happen to stepdad. Shortly after I moved in, I heard mom on phone with one of her friends saying " gurn will take care of me" (that's me). I froze in my tracks and told mom right then that I DIDNT MOVE IN THERE TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND IF SHE THOUGHT I DID, SHE SHOULD GET THAT OUT OF HER HEAD NOW, AND IF THATS WHY SHE ASKED ME TO COME THERE FOR THAT REASON, I WOULD GATHER UP MY STUFF AND LEAVE.... she said that wasn't it, and kind of blew it off... Let me tell you mom has always been a P.I.T.A.... So I stayed... NOW working on the 8th year. first thing, moms cooking sucks, so I took over cooking, had to!!! next the shopping, if I wanted to spend the whole day in a grocery store, I woulda became a checker... Mom doesn't drive, never has... OMG this is the 21st century, who doesn't drive- doesn't go anywhere. So that leaves the running to me, along with yardwork, home repairs and whatever else thinking is needed. Mom's old stupid school, leaves the H@O running the whole time she's doing the dishes (or washing her hands brushing her teeth) That's not happening, so now I'm doing the dishes too.


About 3rd year, People have quit calling her to ask her out, because she keeps turning them down, she sits in front of the TV all day, no activity, no hobby, no friends... and she's starting to say WHAT? to every thing you say. she'll ask a question, and you give answer she says What? ITS THE BEGINNING, OF SOMETHING TERRIBLE, SOMETHING THAT WILL CAUSE YOU TO GO CRAZY, TO RESENT YOUR OWN MOTHER, TO HATE YOUR SELF, AND THE WORSE PART IS FEEL GUILTY, ABOUT THESE FEELINGS. to watch your semi sweet mom that at one time was a kick to be around, get broken down by dementia. I shoulda left that day she was talking to her friend. Any way sorry about that my question is, My sister is POA, since mom has become unable to make any decisions, and my sisters poa is now fully kicked in, and cant be takin away, her first order of business is to serve me a 30 day notice to move out. Were past that now, the dumb *ss realized, that one of them (sis and 5 stepkids) would have to move in so they didn't push it. They are some strange people, for the past 3 1/2 years I havent even took a vacation, (go help dad at his house) until I talked my sister into staying with mom for the 9days I'd be gone. Boy was she in a hurry to get outta here when I got back, a couple weeks after she came and let me leave for the wkend… It was nice, then it was 6+wks and I hadn't had a break, so I went off on my sister to get me some time outta here. She got my step sister to come over for 5 hrs, FIVE HRS? I took it, didn't do much but leave and try to whined down. Ive been telling my sister to get help for me since 2015, So she gets the steps involved, (I never involved them its our mom, but shell do anything not to have to take care of mom, or help me out in anyway. Except when its laundry day! other times, she'd be her to give mom shower, I'd tell her I'm leaving for a couple hours and she'd lie to me saying she had to go for some reason or another in a 1/2 hr, 3hr later shes still there. Now she's paying 2 people, one is 930 to 430pm 3days a wk, the other is 930 to 400pm, 2 days a wk... the other 134hrs of the week are mine,


The one with 3 days, brings her 2yr old son with her and is late every day... I saw her pay check $13 a hr. shes 31 yr old family on welfare. The 2 day person is a pro live in cg, whose patient died and out of some work, shes 51 and has been doing this since she was 17 yr old, So I recon my sister is paying her $20? an hr.


Should I be getting a pay check too?

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I'm a little unclear on a few things that might make a difference in how I look at this. First when you told your mom you would move in if something happened to her husband and she took you up on that when he passed, what was your understanding of the reason for this? I mean it sounds like she was still very capable and independent at the time so why did she need or want you there? What is it you do or did to support yourself financially? Did you give up a house or a job and if so why? Part of my reason for asking is thinking about your own future, do you have a retirement plan, a pension and SS that's enough to and age on? Medical insurance?

While the above things are all important reasons for considering and formalizing a caregiver agreement up front as well as now it sounds like you only started feeling like you should have this arrangement when your sister hired caregivers to help you, something you had been begging her for. I agree you should have gotten that help long ago and it certainly would feel much better and have helped the situation if your sister had pitched in more all along but not everyone is wired that way and able to do that. There are all kinds of reason from simply not being able to emotionally handle watch her mother deteriorate to knowing she will loose her temper or simply fear she wont do a good job or maybe she's terrified of not doing the right thing in an emergency, making mom worse or the guilt and second guessing of being the one in charge when something major does happen, out of her hands or not. Of course she could just be selfish but your mom did choose her to be her POA and you her caregiver by the sounds of it so perhaps mom knew who would be best for each part of her care as she aged and in her own way was taking care of each of you, giving you the responsibility she knew you could take on. I can say from a mothers perspective it sure would be better for everyone if the two of you could find a way to support each other and share this responsibility while appreciating the others strengths and weaknesses. That might go something like telling your sister you really need some support instead of demanding it. Telling her you worry now you are setting yourself up for problems supporting yourself in the future and maybe even Mom's future if some sort of legal contract isn't put in place and maybe the two of you should talk to an expert together, just in case.

I'm not clear about how long your mom and step dad were together or how long your sister has been married to her husband but maybe the reason her step children are somewhat involved in your mom's care is because to them she is Grandma. That's kind of a nice thing and I image really nice for your mom so maybe working with them all instead of resenting them will help you as well as your mom.

It sounds to me like you want to be caring for your mom for the same reasons so many of us choose too and while it's been a bumpy road you now have a good foundation of help. 9-9:30 - 4pm 5 days a week is very doable when you live in the same house and if you can get occasional help from Sis or kids you not only have time for a separate life, maybe even job, you have the best of both worlds, not 24/7 with mom but the important part of her life and home you promised. My mom lived w/GM last 10 years keeping her job and when GM passed she gave mom Lifetime Use of the house since mom had made it her home to care for GM. So no monetary payment but R&B and a home as long as she wanted.

Yes, depending on what you decide maybe you should be getting paid or maybe your time is supported with room, board and love because it's where you choose to live, many do that but try to put your old resentment aside if you can and move forward making a real effort to work with the other family your mom loves, it will be best for her in the long run and maybe even you too even if you have to be the one to swallow some crap and reach out. Better for all if you can.
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Hey, thank you all for your good input, I appreciate you all!  Im still there coz, its my mom... Why did I stay, coz when my people (friends, family) need help, that's what I do. I haven't left yet, coz I don't want the guilt of feeling I abandoned my Mom. She has been diagnosed recently, and was advised to get here into facility asap.
Sis is handling, (or lack of it) the arrangments. Since Im Left Holding the Bag! (sorry mom) after mom started to lose it, I told her Id keep her out of a Nursing Home as long as I could... That is apon us now! Im going to try to make it threw the DAMN HOLIDAYS before I wig out the final time. Either way, with pay or without I still love her or whats left of her, and I got to do what I said Id do. not for any one else but myself. Wish me Luck and Happy Holidays. C U IN THE NUT HOUSE! lol                                      sorry about the spelling
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A couple of thoughts -- why did you move in with your mother when your SD died? As you have to do more and more for your mother, a caregiving contract should have been in place.

Are the CGs from an agency? I hope they aren't being paid under the table. (But I suspect that they are.) What happens if the 2-year-old injures himself? Guess who will be sued? What are your mother's finances? As she needs increasingly more and more help, does she have the funds to pay for more caregiving? Or is it the plan that YOU will be the main caregiver?

If your mother will eventually need facility care, she will need to show a good record of monies spent on her behalf. Don't allow her to be set up for a big Medicaid penalty, because then I bet YOU will be expected to be the one to take care of her until the penalty period is up.
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Yes, you should get a paycheck too. Get a caregiver contract, mom becomes your employer, an elder law attorney will help set everything up legally.

If twisted sissy will not agree then high tail it out of there.
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Tell mom I need help, because they deny they need it. Hire a professional and move out
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Time for you to leave now, you stated you had never moved there to take care of Mom, you stated you should have left before. Your sister gave you 30 days notice? Then take advantage and go on and make it on your own. Is that your wish? Or are you stating you want your sister to pay you to stay and she's not doing that? You can't force that to happen so if that's not going to happen then leave. Or am I missing something?
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