Let me give a little background. I found work nearly 10 years ago at a facility working with special needs adult clients. I absolutely love my job & feel I am very good at it, have had loads of training & putting a lot of my energy towards work.
Then my father died & my mother didn't want to live alone (she never has in her whole life.) I agreed to move in with her to keep her surroundings the same. Then I cut back on hours at work from 24 hour shifts to 8 hour shifts as she would be upset & aggitated while I was gone. My brother said he would help with her care but his actions show he won't. At best, he'll call once a month if I tell him to do it. I tell him to do anything else & get the silent treatment. I feel I have very little energy left for myself. Work & homelife has merged into one giant list of chores, entertaining others & monitoring their behaviors. I have zero patience with my Mom now & I'm so disappointed with how I have begun to snap back at her. I try to take 10 minutes in the morning & afternoon for myself but feel this crushing guilt, that I don't find it refreshing. What is wrong with me? I can't figure out who to ask or where to get help with what to do with getting all the things that are new to me done. Mom refuses to go to a lawyer, her doctor, the dentist, the bank, etc. Any advice is much appreciated! I feel I can handle all of these issues at work but mentally fall apart & go numb with the overwhelming task of caring for Mom alone.
Your mother is my age, she can live for another 20 years, my mother is 94 and still kicking, don't put yourself in a cell with invisible bars, your mother is young she can learn to live alone, you are not responsible to fix everything for her. You have a life of your own to live, make plans to live it.
I would move out, if she needs a baby sitter let her hire one. Her refusal to take care of the legal documents and doctors, speaks volumes about her selfish attitude...break the cycle....move forward. My Best!
You can't live FOR your mother, she has to do it for herself. It is no wonder you're snapping back & feeling frustrated.........your mother needs medical help & is refusing to get it! It's time for a Come to Jesus meeting with her so you can lay it all out on the line: she must help herself or you can no longer help her. Period.
I truly feel the best thing you can do for both you and your mother is to get her depression diagnosed & treated, then get her into an Independent Living community with a continuum of care available, for when she needs to transfer to Assisted Living, etc. Independent Living will offer her a whole new world of senior socialization, activities and interaction that she will never have available in your home.
If she flat out refuses to go to the doctor, then you'll have no choice but to look into Assisted Living places for her NOW, because things can't go on like this. According to your profile, you've suffered a major loss yourself and are now facing an untenable situation with your mother. She can either FIX this mess or move into Assisted Living, her choice.
Best of luck, I hope you can get through to her!
You are so correct. We can’t FIX it! This was my problem, I kept thinking I could influence my mom, and well you know the rest...
Great advice!
You can help her figure out how to make that happen, and if her resources are sufficient to fund it.
You are NOT under any obligation to move house, cut your job hours or give up your life in order to make this happen
Mom's "wants" are not something that you are obliged to fund with your life and livelihood.
You have burnout. Plus, there are good reasons why people in all the professions I can think of are advised NOT to provide services to their loved ones. It just ain't the same.
So... what are the options? Apart from not liking your mother to be alone because - doesn't matter why, actually, just because she doesn't like to be alone will do - does she have any identified care needs?
It does not sound like your mom has a lot of problems that you need to tend to.
At some point when you are not stressed, mom is not stressed talk about what needs to be done and what she can do.
Back off on the things that you don;t have to do
Let her step up and do more.
If it is not dangerous...Ask her if she will get dinner in the oven. (start making and freezing some meals that she can easily start before you get home)
Tell mom you are going to hire help (this comes out of mom's pocket not yours) this person will help clean, laundry and help mom a bit with some of the things that she needs help with. This will take some burden off you and you can get some you time back. And you need to start scheduling YOU time.
Is there a Senior Center that your mom would go to?
Is there an Adult Day Care that she would go to?
Either of these would give her a break, socialize and maybe make some friends.
1 - Consider what kinds of care does your mom need - use your very good knowledge and experience. Which of these tasks can mom still do with some coaching?
2 - Decide which tasks you want/need to do and which can/should be handled by others. Also look at her finances/resources and friends/family to see which of these can take care of these tasks. Don't forget to check into paid help: housecleaning, meals, home health aides, sitters... usually home health care agencies can direct you to people who do these tasks.
3- Create a plan of care that addresses her needs and also allows you a whole lot more "time off" - daily and a bigger chunk of "time off" weekly - so you can meet your own needs.
You can do this, because you have done this for work. You need to remind yourself that your obligation is to keep mom safe and healthy, but you are not responsible for "doing" all of mom's care.
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