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elaine1962 Asked November 2019

Please help me. I need help with my mother!! I am at my wits end!!

My mother is in the hospital since Friday with an infected toe. She is on IV antibiotics. She asks for my help changing her depends in the bathroom and then snaps at me and tells me to shut up. Well I changed her and got her in bed and told her I was leaving now and then left. She is sweet as pie to the doctors and nurses and treats me like sh*t. She is of sound mind. The doctor that saw her said she is as sharp as a tack. I need to get her into assisted living because I know when she gets home she will not let me help her with the wound. She is also a hoarder. Now she can’t even find the remote to the tv a week ago. Should I tell the doctor and nurses? She is of sound mind but she won’t change her clothes or bathe. Her toe got that way because she won’t soak it and won’t let me help her. She got her toenails clipped 2 weeks ago by a podiatrist and they didn’t look like that then. But since she has had the same socks on for 2 weeks she didn’t know what her toe looked like. It was nasty. All gross and infected. It got that way because she let it go and didn’t let me help her!! She just blames it on the podiatrist. Then she was complaining to me yesterday that the nurses gave her a water pill to take. It is her prescribed medication. But it makes her urinate. She’s mad at the nurse for giving her the water pill and takes it out on me. I can’t take it anymore. I know if by some miracle she goes to assisted living she will never speak to me again. I am so torn right now.

BarbBrooklyn Nov 2019
1. Visit your mother at the hospital. Push the call button when she needs help. Do not do hands on care.

2. The minute mom says something nasty, get up and leave. "I'll come back when you're feeling better". No argument. Statement, then leave.

3. Seek out the discharge planning department and or the social work department. Explain your understanding of your mother's mental illness and the condition of her home. Explain that you don't live with her and that you are not permitted to help in meaningful ways. Ask their advice.

4. Try to get clarity on the fact that your mother's anger won't kill you. You can stand up to her, talk back to her or walk out on her. None of these actions will harm you. She has groomed you (look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt) to be controlled by her anger. If you need to seek out therapy to help you in this process, so be it.

5. Your mother has also groomed you to see "dirty looks" from folks like nurses. I'll tell you a secret. They are not giving you a moment's notice. My mother trained me to hear "tone of voice", raised eyebrows, etc., as meaning certain things. Hogwash. No one is thinking anything about you. They are far too busy.
Riverdale Nov 2019
You are always so incredibly wise and helpful Barb.
lealonnie1 Nov 2019
Yes, tell the doctor & the nurse at the hospital exactly what's going on and stop helping her! The jig is up. It HAS to be up if you expect your mother to get the help she so desperately requires and for YOU to get off the hook you're dangling from! Call APS in if need be. It's time for all this to stop, and for your mother to be placed in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing where hoarding can no longer occur, where she will be bathed regularly also. You say the doctors are claiming she's as 'sharp as a tack', yet she's so consumed with anxiety that she's hoarding and refusing to bathe, etc. In my world, that does NOT constitute 'sharp as a tack' and that's what you need to convey to them!

These doctors and hospitals see our mother's for a mere moment in time. They see the Face our mothers WANT them to see, which is one of 'sanity' and 'composure' and 'competency'. The reality that WE see and know is something entirely different. If you want your mother to get the help she needs, let down that mask of perfection she's maintaining and let the professionals see the TRUTH.

I did it back in 2016 and have been doing so ever since. My mother will no longer call the shots where her health is concerned, because she is NOT fine and I will no longer be paying the price for those LIES. Neither should you!

Good luck Elaine.

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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
I would let the hospital staff help her. When she asks, say one second and ring for a nurse.

I am thinking that they will notice that she doesn't bathe when they change her depends.

You can't help someone that doesn't want it, especially when they are of sound mind. You have to decide what you will and won't do and learn to say no. Learn to tell her to stop talking nasty and hateful or you will leave and the next nasty word you walk away and try again tomorrow.

She can only use you as a doormat because you lay down. Stand up, you are an adult and you do not have to accept being verbally, mentally, physically or emotionally abused by her.

Geaton777 Nov 2019
Another vote for letting the hospital staff and social workers deal with her. Maybe show the social workers pictures of the inside of her house (she'll be apocalyptically angry but sounds like that's her default position with you anyway). The county may pursue guardianship over her at some point, which will be in her best interest and keep you outside her blame zone (maybe). She has chosen the way she wants to live her life. You keep wanting her to have a better life than she wants for herself. Blessings to you for your compassion and grace towards her but you should not subject yourself to her abuse and degradation.

elaine1962 Nov 2019
lealonnie, will you come over and stand up to her, lol? In all seriousness, yes I have been conditioned all my life to back down to her. Don’t make waves with her. Yes, I need to be vocal and talk to the doctor and nurses and make them understand. Thank you!!
lealonnie1 Nov 2019
I hear you, Elaine! These women have conditioned us to NEVER speak up to them, to NEVER divulge their secrets, to NEVER let the skeletons out of the closet, right? I know my mother sure has!!! She views EVERYTHING as a Big Secret and it's made her sick her whole life and it's threatened to make ME sick until one day I said ENOUGH!
NOW is the time to make those waves & hold on tight for the wild ride! And remember: you are doing this to HELP her because she's unable and unwilling to help herself. Many 'children' would have deserted their mother by now, given all these crazy things she does, but you've hung on! You're not giving up, you're doing everything you can to HELP her, and I applaud you!!!
She is gonna get MAD, but that's okay. Who cares? She's been mad lots of times before, what else is new? Remember to be strong and take charge of this situation which is now out of control!!!
You can do this g/f!!! Sending a big hug your way!!
CTTN55 Nov 2019
NYDaughterInLaw: "My mother is abusive toward me. I need the hospital to work out her discharge plans with her directly. Do not include me on her care team."

Yes, you really need to say this to the hospital team. And you need to step away from helping her. I know you want to help her, but she won't let you.

You have at least one sibling, correct? Where is he or where are they? Do they know what you are dealing with?

dogparkmomma Nov 2019
If she is living in a dirty home, not bathing or properly taking care of herself, she is not of "sound mind". She will however drive you into being crazy unless you put a stop to this. Talk to social worker today and completely out her. Explain that her living conditions are unsafe. Have a home assessment arranged while she is in hospital; not sure if APS would do this but start asking that question.
When the hospital staff tell you she is "sharp as a tack" have them go in and really ask her questions about her living conditions etc and hopefully they will come to understand. If no one listens to you and she is discharged, you have to let her crash and burn and get APS in to do assessment. There is no reason for you to be abused but you have to stop allowing this for her good and for you as well.

Sendhelp Nov 2019
Yes, allow the hospital staff to help her.
Don't hang around her all day for any abuse.
She is in the hospital, take a full day off.
Today. It is Sunday.
elaine1962 Nov 2019
Thank you Sendhelp
NYDaughterInLaw Nov 2019
Seek counseling. You are wasting far too much precious energy worrying about your mother and her toe when you ought to be worrying about your own mental health and learning to establish healthy boundaries with your mother.

Let the hospital social worker assigned to your mother deal with her discharge. Do not allow yourself to get roped into being her caregiver after discharge. Just be matter of fact about the way she treats you - verbal abuse, rejection of *your* help - and learn to say something like: "My mother is abusive toward me. I need the hospital to work out her discharge plans with her directly. Do not include me on her care team."

Your mother may be sharp as a tack and have mental illness; they are not mutually exclusive. That you are afraid your mother "will never speak to me again" demonstrates the power she has over you. If you don't take back the power, nothing will change. You certainly won't change her! You only can change yourself.

You have options. You matter. One step at a time.

BarbBrooklyn Nov 2019
Elaine; Take a step back and a deep breath.

It's not worth fighting your mother if she doesn't want to be helped. Folks like this are their own worst enemy. If the hospital isn't seeing her as too far gone to care for herself, then it's not your job to foist your care upon her.

I know that this is hard. (((((((((hugs)))))))))

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