About 4 months ago my 79 yrs dad took my mom who'd had a stroke (totally unable to move or speak!) home from rehab (that didn't) to be her primary (only) caregiver. Most people would've put her in a place given her condition but he wouldn't hear of it. He has respite care come for 4 hours twice a month and a nurse comes about every 2-3 days to check the huge pressure sore on her bottom. I live about an hour away and try to visit once or twice a week. But I don't know what to do when I get there. If I try to help in any way I get spoken to sharply. The kitchen is always nasty and I am not allowed to clean it (or make food). I am not to clean other parts of the house either. If I make a move to do something for mom (wash hair, rub feet) he gets on me like I'm going to hurt her or mess up his plans/work with her and I have to stop, shout to explain and then I am usually "allowed". Dad is very hard of hearing but I had to give up on helping him make needed phone calls because he would call again or forget what I'd told him leading to more confusion for everyone. He doesn't shower her because the bath aide was stopped and with the way he speaks to me I'm not going to subject myself to helping him with that stressful task in a small space when I can't just walk away. I suggested that he pay respite care come help him with this but so far, no. A hundred other little things too, he says the bed is too soft for her but doesn't make needed calls to get another one after I've showed him who to call, he puts dirty diapers on the floor, leaves them for hours and washes his diaper hands into the dish water, runs the TV with volume off/cc on because he can't hear it (her hearing is fine). So I am left struggling uncomfortably in this hostile, need-saturated, hands-tied environment trying to think of stories to share with mom, sitting with her and finding things we can enjoy listening to. I've been keeping visits short, to save myself, but then feel horrible that I can't be with mom more as she must be suffering terribly trapped in her broken body. And then I have to leave her with (and in the care of) the one who "chases" me out. I also imagine that nurses and others coming into the home must think I'm an awful daughter (only child) because they never see that I do anything to help at all. I am upset for quite some time after each visit...most of the time I just wish she die already. Am I doing this right?