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Ludmila Asked November 2019

Bringing MIL back to old house for a couple of days but what if she refuses to leave?

We moved MIL to independent living last month very soon after FIL died because she is incapable of living alone, she is MCI, her language skill is like a 6 year old, and she’s incapable of handling her own finances, her executive function is not doing well. She did agree to move because she is scared of being alone at night. An opening at IL came up and we moved her as soon as possible. Her house is in a rural area, the new IL place is 3 hours away in a metro area.


The move went well. She has adapted to the new IL place and making friends.


She wanted us to take her back to her house because she needed a few things from there also she can “clean it up and sell it in a couple of weeks for top dollars”. She believes she can do it all by herself, refuses to let us hiring helpers to get it done. The reality is she is not capable of doing the work. Late FIL did majority of housework.


She claims that her imaginary “friends in the neighborhood” has agreed to help her by doing work for her and also staying in the house with her to keep her company. The reality is she doesn’t have close friends, she’s been a recluse. We have met those people: they are nice people, but they are not close friends. They said nice things like let me know if we can help ( keeping an eye on the house, mail, paper, etc ). But they did not agree to stay with her ( so to be responsible for her safety ). We were there for those conversation. MIL didn’t understand the gentle rejection. The sympathetic neighbors didn’t feel comfortable saying no out loud to a grieving widow ( her request was certainly inappropriate). they definitely didn’t agree to grant her wish.


One elderly woman neighbor seems more enthusiastic about it, but that woman has dementia herself and is in really poor health.


We live out of state and we are going to visit her next month for a few days. what if she insists her imaginary friends will help her and refuses to leave?


I definitely want to avoid this type of conflict by simply not taking her and just go get the stuff for her. but my husband can’t do it because his mom begged him to “just take me back for a couple of days” and he couldn’t refuse her.


So, what if, she refuses to leave? Any advice or strategy?

lealonnie1 Nov 2019
I work in a Memory Care facility as a front desk receptionist. We have a son who's mother suffers from advanced dementia and is very, very difficult to handle because she eats everything she can get her hands on, including another resident's hearing aid, a nail from under her chair, etc. She is non verbal at this point and only 76 years old. Her son insists she will 'get better' if she's treated properly, which is denial at its worst. He's also insisting she get lessons in Sign Language so she can 'learn to communicate'. If she could communicate, she'd do so with the language skills she's had for the past 7 decades. He'd be MUCH better off to accept the reality of the situation rather than to fight it, looking for a 'cure' which is non-existent.

Your husband is depressed & unable to see reality with his mother, who is suffering a lot more than mild cognitive impairment, I'm afraid. She is a lot further down the dementia highway than anyone realizes, so reading up on the subject is recommended. Taking her to her old home IS NOT recommended. Neither of you are equipped do deal with taking this woman to the house she used to live in, filled with memories and things and all sorts of potential disasters!!

You may indeed not be able to get her out of there and THEN WHAT? I strongly suggest you both read up about dementia and what to expect in mid stage of the disease, as well as advanced. Most people waffle back & forth between the stages, exhibiting signs of each. Dementia is VERY tricky and VERY unpredictable. You just never know what to expect!

When she says she wants to go back & visit her home, I'd tell her it's been sold and no longer available to visit. Period. Make up whatever lies you have to in order to get her to let go of the idea entirely. Visit the house BEFORE you visit her, and pick up whatever mementos or items you think she'd like, so you can give them to her when you visit her in IL.

Hopefully your husband will see the doctor & get a prescription for his depression so he can feel better soon and be able to grieve the loss of his dad. I'm so sorry for your loss and truly hope this visit turns out okay and not to be a nightmare.

Best of luck!

Tothill Nov 2019
Well if your husband has agreed, he is the one to take her and deal with the consequences without any help from you.

Or he can grow a spine, realize that his mother is not capable of any of the above and tell her on reflection he is unable to accommodate her request.

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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
I am so sorry for the loss that your family has suffered.

It is still so new and raw, no decisions should be made yet.

When is your trip? Is there enough time for some of the shock to wear off?

I think that I would make her promise that in return for being taken to see the old homestead that she will not fight when it is time to go.

It sounds like you are going to have a fight with your husband if you try to stop him from doing this, perhaps he needs closure and having his mom there will help him.

Sudden deaths are so difficult to process. You are going to have to help him face the reality that is the new normal, dad is gone and mom lives in IL. She needs him to make good decisions for her based on her wellbeing and not emotions or her idea of reality. Her safety comes 1st, then her needs and usually that takes so much that wants are not even part of the equation.

He will do the right thing, right now he is shell shocked, just keep pointing him in the right direction and love him through this difficult time.

XenaJada Nov 2019
NO, NO, NOPE!
Do NOT take her back to her house!
Just the risk of her refusing to leave is enough reason.
I would refuse to be a part of that craziness.

againx100 Nov 2019
It's unfortunate that hubby is in denial re dementia. It's a sad and horrible thing BUT he needs to come to terms with it BEFORE your trip. It looks like you're going to have to be the adult and have a talk or two with him about this.

If he can't come to terms with this, I would postpone the trip until such point that he has come to accept dementia and no trip to the house.

againx100 Nov 2019
Do not take her there. It would be a major mistake. You have to get hubby to see the light on this. You guys HAVE to get on the same page before you get to your MILs.

While it's unfortunate that he caved and promised her that you'd take her there but I would ask him to not make her any more promises of any kind. Somehow he has to reneg on that promise.

The doctor won't allow it. The roads are bad. We're too busy today. Have a list of excuses that you can keep doling out and keep her busy with other things instead.

BarbBrooklyn Nov 2019
Is DH's depression being addressed medically?

When grief and the depression that sometimes accompanies it cause a person to act in ways that put themselves or others in danger, it's time to get treatment.

My mother grabbed the steering wheel from my DH while we were driving her from rehab to Assisted Living. She could have killed us all, not to mention other folks on the road.

Trying to "please" someone with dementia can be a path fraught with dangerous potholes.

Have DH call the local police in MIL's community and have a discussion about what would happen if he called them for assistance if she refuses to leave. Likely, they will tell him that they will not be able to assist because MIL has not been declared incompetent. You will be faced with the choice of staying with her and becoming her forced caregivers or leaving her on her own.

Try to figure out in advance which you are going to do.

Sunnygirl1 Nov 2019
Your description that she lacks skills in so many areas, sound like more than cognitive decline to me. If she is having delusions, limited vocabulary, poor judgment, etc.......I'm not sure what your DH is thinking, but, I would not assist him taking her from the facility. She could refuse to leave and then you have to see an attorney, file legal papers to get court orders, etc. which is involved and expensive. I'd likely tell DH to get a legal consult before hand, so, he knows what he's facing.

Also, what if she becomes upset, what if she wanders away and gets lost? She may become confused and forget that she's planning to sell the place or want to take all items back with her to IL The fact that a house full of furniture would not fit into a small room would have no meaning to her.

It's his mom, I get it, but, I'd make it clear it was very poor decision and warn him that he could end up having to stay there indefinitely to get her settled again AND it might involve spending money on legal fees, if she refuses to return back to the facility. Without a court order, the police may not be able to assist.

I'd likely pick out small items that may have sentimental value for her or pack it all and tell her it's in storage. She can sort through it later......
Ludmila Nov 2019
DH is in denial about his mom’s dementia. He kept saying how it was the shock of his father’s death and she’ll recover. However I have noticed the changes in her for a couple of years and brought it up ( other siblings too ).

we both know this is a huge risk but, he has told her that he will do it. He has always been her favorite. since his father suddenly passed away I understand why he wanted to make sure MIL is happy. He calls her at her IL every day and when she’s having a good day he looks so happy too. It’s part of the grieving process that I went thru myself when my father died suddenly I worried about my mom so much. I understand he need to please his mom.

I asked him what if your mom refuses to leave and he couldn’t come up with an answer and just remain silent and look gloomy so I don’t want to bring it up, or, if I bring it up again I need to be able to suggest some strategies, hopefully get some ideas from this forum.
BarbBrooklyn Nov 2019
From your description, your MIL is well beyond "Mild Cognitive Impairment".

Suggest to DH that he speak to the doc who diagnosed MIL as to whether this is a good idea and for suggestions what to do if she refuses to budge.

Do you have POA so that you can hire help to get the house ready for sale?

You might consider telling DH that since he is the one agreeing to this terrible plan, you are going to let him do it by himself. Without your assistance. He can hire help if he thinks he's going to need it.
Ludmila Nov 2019
We don’t have POA for real estate. My DH is grieving his father’s death, he’s losing weight, he is sad and it clouded his judgement too. I thought of not going with him. I asked him if he needs my help for the trip and he said yes, so I have agreed to travel with him. He knows he can’t handle his mother by himself. Poor guy he is so stressed out. His other siblings all refused to take mom back home and have come up with variety of excuses.
LoopyLoo Nov 2019
I would not take her to the house. Your husband may not realize how she isn’t able to mentally process it.
Ludmila Nov 2019
he is in denial. But i also see the pain on his face when I say “your mother has dementia”. I think he needs to accept and find a way to cope with it.

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