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swishandflick90 Asked October 2019

Is it normal to feel this way?

hello, this is my first post here and I hope I’m posting this properly. My father had a heart attack last year, and has congestive heart failure, stage two. He seemed to be doing great, even at his age (84) and he worked up until February of this year, when he got laid off (not because of his illness, but his job got rid of his position) That’s when everything went down hill quickly. I’m disabled myself, and I have very bad chronic pain that makes it hard for me to do much, and my father is able to move around, he goes to the bathroom on his own, drives very well and is sharp as a tack...but he just refuses to do anything. I’ve asked him to at least clean up after himself, he refuses. He calls me on the phone at 3am, 4am to get him something to drink when he’s closer to the kitchen than I am. He won’t shave, he won’t change his clothes and if I ask him to, he refuses or just flat out ignores me.


I even asked him one day why he ignores me, and he said because I repeat the same thing over and over again and when I said it’s because he doesn’t listen, he turned the TV up louder. My house is a mess, and it’s too big for me to handle alone. Every one I’ve tried to reach out to about this says I’m being cruel for being angry and frustrated and that I should treasure these moments, and that it’s the best time of my life to care for my father.


It's hard to treasure anything because he ignores me, treats me like a maid and ignores me when I’m in obvious pain and need some help...I don’t ask him to do anything heavy, just small things to make things easier...
he is the only parent I’ve got left (I took care of my mother from the age of 6 until she died when I was 17) and I just am so full of resentment that it hurts sometimes. Is that normal? Has anyone else been through anything like this? I feel so alone, and I have no one around to talk to.

cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
Please speak with your doctor or a social worker, someone who can help you out of this horrendous situation. You deserve to have a happy, normal life. If you need to seek counseling please ask your doctor to refer you. You matter! Your life matters! I sure hope you can find an apartment so you can live your life on your terms and learn who you are!! Its time to take care of YOU now!!! Love and blessings to you dear child!!

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Hello and welcome 💗,

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do and I don’t know how you could possibly feel any other way.

A few words come to mind to describe your situation for me, ‘taking advantage.’ Would you agree? Or how about, ‘taken for granted?’ That one works too.

Make a plan for your future. Give your dad a few possibilities if you like, if not he will figure it out. Leave the phone number of a social worker or another qualified professional on aging with him if that makes you feel better.

You are compassionate and I appreciate that. You have gone above and beyond what you should have. You have done more than your share and I feel that you are aware of this.

I wish you the very best life has to offer. You deserve it. You are an angel! You are not cruel and you are not selfish. It’s called ‘survival.’ You need to prepare a way for your own survival.

You are typical and a classic caregiver that has been so consumed by your father’s care that you have neglected your own life. Make changes to improve your life soon.
swishandflick90 Nov 2019
I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Thank you so much for your kind words. I agree, taking advantage and being taken for granted are all very accurate for my situation. Sometimes I feel like I was born just to take care of my parents because that’s all I’ve done my entire life. I had ten years where I didn’t have to but I also spent those ten years in the house unable to do anything or go anywhere. I hope once I’m out of my situation I can find out who I am because I truly don’t know.

im sorry for rambling on. It’s just nice to talk to people who understand what I’m going through.

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lealonnie1 Oct 2019
I think your father and your so called friends are all treating you horribly. Your father has some nerve calling you at 3 am to wait on him, in spite of your disabilities, then further insults you by turning up the tv to tune you out! I feel furious FOR you, frankly! Then to add insult to injury he says he's not leaving you the house???

GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT AWAY and don't look back. See what kind of low income or subsidized housing you qualify for and get the ball rolling asap. Your father is the one who's being cruel here, not you, and I wonder who's gonna be putting up with his brand of BS once you're out of there?

You have every right to feel angry and resentful, as anyone in your position would. Love and respect is a two way street......you are giving it all and getting nothing in return.

It's your turn to find happiness now and to start caring for YOURSELF. You deserve to.

All the best....hugs
swishandflick90 Nov 2019
I thought I had responded to this but I didn’t. My apologies. Thank you. Like I said above I hope I can find out what makes me happy, because I’ve been on this earth for almost 29 years and I don’t know who I am. I just know how to take care of people. I don’t know anyone who would deal with him. If everyone around me thinks I’m so mean then they can come and deal with him, and see what I go through.

all the best to you too.
polarbear Oct 2019
swish - thanks for your reply. So, the house legally belongs to your father and he can do what he wants with it. Since he already told you he wouldn't give you the house, that means you will need to move out after he dies. It's better you move out BEFORE he dies so that it can be done on your terms. You don't want to find yourself homeless after the funeral.

Believe me, I've read posts on this forum from people in desperate situations. After their parents died, they very quickly became homeless, jobless, and penniless. Don't put yourself in that situation.

You need an actionable PLAN asap because if you need low-income housing, it usually has a long wait list (years not month.) Better you start NOW.

There are many people here who know the ropes and can give you guidance. Just ask your questions with as much details as possible and we'll be glad to help.

Also, it's better you ask your questions in a new post so that you will like get more responses.

One more thing, it is NOT cruel to take care of yourself. Whoever tells you otherwise is the cruel one.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
I truly appreciate your advice, thank you. All of you have been so kind. I will work on a plan ASAP and if/when I have questions I will ask here.
BarbBrooklyn Oct 2019
Whoever is telling you that you are cruel is full of it.

Do you CARE what other people think? In my book, one of the tricks of leading a happy life is not caring.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
before, I used to care, but now I’m just so done with it all I don’t care who says what. You are very right, that is one of the tricks to a happy life.
tvdavis Oct 2019
Riiiight there with ya, although it is my husband and not my father. The ignoring you, refusing to help, and wanting to be waited on hand & foot when they are capable of doing things themselves is maddening, especially if they weren’t always the type to expect you to play maid. You’re made to feel like a nag.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
yes exactly. I was born with my disabilities but when I was younger they were manageable, so whenever I saw he was doing something I would offer to help and he always said no and for me to go and rest. So now that he is like this it’s extremely maddening. I am sorry you are going through this as well and I wish you well.
Katiekate Oct 2019
I would move out.

get on public housing, and get out of there.

tell him...his beneficiaries can take care of him from now on.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
Thank you, I will see if my doctor can help me. I’ve been thinking about moving out but like I said..any time I reach out for help I get told I’m cruel.
Sealycaregiver Oct 2019
I am in a similiar situation and don't know that I would care for my father with these circumstances. He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. It also sounds like he's a little better off than you. You would be surprised at what he would do if he didn't have you there. My only hope is that you take of care of yourself or you will only get sicker with resentment once he passes. I wish you well and hate to hear this.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
Thank you. I am sorry you’re in a similar situation. I wish you well also.
polarbear Oct 2019
swish - what do you mean by the house is technically his? Whose name is on the title of the house?

Your dad is 84 years old and has had a heart attack. His chances of getting another one is high. What will you do after he dies? Do you have a plan?
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
i say technically his because I’ve grown up in this house but his name is on the title. I’m slowly working on a plan but it’s difficult until I can see my doctor next month.
BarbBrooklyn Oct 2019
Do you get public assistance or SSDI? Are there group homes for disabled adults near you?
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
Yes I do get SSDI. We live out in the country, and everything is in town or the next city over.
BarbBrooklyn Oct 2019
It sounds to me as though you are being used by your dad and were used by your mother.

Is this dad's house or yours?

You sound VERY normal to me; the people around you sound crazy.
swishandflick90 Oct 2019
It’s technically his since he said when he passes I’m not getting it. I grew up in this house, and since I am disabled and he was technically my guardian I was unable to move out before all of this happened.

I feel extremely used by him. After my mom died he worked constantly and for ten years I was unable to leave the house because of it, he never wanted to take me anywhere (I am medically unable to drive). We went on one road trip once a year and that was it. That’s about the only time I got out of the house. Now with all of this he absolutely never wants to go anywhere and it’s like pulling teeth trying to urge him to go to the doctor’s.

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