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LivingSouth Asked August 2019

Have you found that your relationship with parents, or the person you are caring for, has been irreparably damaged?

I have parents who have always been kind of self absorbed, and they treat me like a servant. They don't seem to care about whether my health is hurt or if I have to postpone things I want to do to accommodate their needs. I wondered if other caregivers have had their relationship go beyond repair? Siblings think that they were always just wonderful parents and that I am the problem. "Why OUR childhood was just perfect, so why were YOU so unhappy?" Of course they rarely do anything, and when they visit, parents are all sunny and bright. Everything is just FINE, they say. They used to say that they 'hated to call on them,' but no problem with me running to every 'emergency.' When siblings do actually do something, it's like a competition. Sometimes I just refuse to do things. In addition, siblings claim they don't know how to do anything ( because they never had to) so I end up either having to hire something to do simple repairs, or I just have to learn how to do it myself.
Like the show used to say, 'can this relationship be saved?'

Beatty Aug 2019
My short answer:

Yes it can.
Unless too busy, living
your OWN life.

DareDiffer Aug 2019
Sure it can. But the key part is you. Do it because you want to, because you love your parents, because that’s the way you are- if you are. Whatever childhood was like is almost irrelevant. You are all adults now.

Theres always one that does the lions work whilst others are praised for making a phone call. I cared for a great many years whilst siblings went on several holidays a year whilst being too busy a lot of the time.

I did it it because I believe in doing to others as you would have done - if you were in their circumstances. There’s no one to care for me but I’m glad I took the time to not only deal with their physical needs but try to get them to laugh or smile several times during every day.

I know what it’s like when your own health is bad, to work 8 hrs then a further 6 caring during work times then 24/7 care when they couldn’t be left alone, when you have to cancel arrangements and plans at a moments notice, when it feels like it’s all on your shoulders and having to deal with sudden repairs etc. It was bloody hard but I don’t regret or begrudge a single moment. And I’m definitely no saint just in case that is how it comes across !

If you are struggling and your siblings live close by, then you need to start allocating a shared care rota - start by putting times you can care and pass it on. Any gaps left - you’ll need to jointly decide whether you need to have help in. Say your life circumstances have changed and you are busy - and don’t be on call during times you are “busy”

if they don’t live close by, then again, tell them what times you can care - and discuss what help can be obtained to cover the times you are no longer available. If they evade it - either get help in if needed or see how your parents manage without you on hand at certain times. You’ll have to be firm though - whatever the problem. Get a list of repair contacts, and other essential numbers, including care help, leave one with your parents and siblings and have those numbers to hand in case they contact you so you can give them those same details.

I hope you are able to get a compromise that enables you to enjoy the times you are caring, and have some quality of life too. Be kind to yourself, you are equally as important.

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LivingSouth Aug 2019
The shocking thing was that I always thought that my mother would be the raging one, because we constantly butted heads while I was growing up - but she is usually fairly mellow. This doesn't mean that she isn't stubborn or impossible to reason with ( she was always like that) but she doesn't get angry that often. My dad was always the quite and easy going one, who kind of let people walk over him, but now he can suddenly get upset and lash out. Or sometimes if someone else gets aggravated with him, he will go in his room and cry. I don't know which is the worse. My siblings think he is a saint and - even if they saw him blow up - would probably say that I triggered it somehow. In my case I feel I have no choice but to stay. I don't own a house, so the house is willed to me ( if I survive long enough to get it, that is) Being the youngest, it's like the whole family thinks that it is my job description to look after every thing ( so they can go out and have a good time)
I think what is shocking to me is how much more selfish they have gotten. They act like, since they brought me into the world, that it is my BOUND DUTY to look after every aspect of their lives. Doesn't matter if anyone else is sick - only that they feel bad. I've noticed this in other elderly people - if a younger person has a disease, 'well, it's not as bad as being elderly!' It's like if you say that your back is hurting, they pay no attention, they just start telling you about their achy knee or they have a bruise. Told them the other day - a bruise won't kill you!
I guess I expect - because I would be this way - that someone who is looking after you and keeping you out of the hospital, would get treated a little bit better and with some gratitude. I know that I would be grateful. I don't take it lying down, I do complain about it and sometimes I get mad about it. Their expression doesn't even change. It does something to your spirit to feel like you are nothing but an employee. I don't think I can summon completely loving thoughts for them without also feeling really let down.
On another note, my cousin gave up his career to look after his affluent partner. Did extensive handicap renovations to the home, changed his diapers, etc. When the will was read, my cousin got absolutely nothing. Everything went to a charity. Cousin died in hospice two years later.
PowerOf3 Aug 2019
Man oh man, that’s rough LivingSouth. You’re stronger than I am. I feel stomped on too.by the person I’m caring for, manipulative, selfish, could not care less I’m running around throbbing pain in 105* to pickup menial requests. I honestly despise him when he snickers or ignores my pain. But one mention regarding HIM awww there he is, step right up the stage is yours. I almost wish there was a cognitive or mental excuse for his behavior.
I doubt it gets better, I’m reading only worse. Thankless doesn’t describe this, it’s the worst job with the worst employer without pay in most cases, so we have to praise ourselves and our selflessness but trust me...that only goes so far for me. Hugs from California
TNtechie Aug 2019
I'm not sure "damaged" is the right word. My father's vascular dementia destroyed our relationship. I believe it would have destroyed our relationship even if I hadn't provided any care for him. Dad was as hateful to my brother who never took any direct care responsibilities as he was to me. There was certainly no going back or saving the prior relationship because his broken brain just wasn't capable. I came to view dementia Dad as a completely different person than "my" Dad, the man who raised me. My love and affection for "my" Dad didn't change; instead it became the basis for being able to care about and put up with dementia Dad.

With my mother who has short term memory problems with MCI but not true dementia (at least yet), the relationship has also changed because she isn't able to read and discuss books or local politics much anymore. Some days we can talk about a newspaper article she read earlier but most often she has forgotten the article by the next day. We talk more about old photos and people who died when I was a child now that we did before her memory issues. Even though I provide direct care for my mother, our relationship hasn't really changed that much, maybe because Mom's base personality hasn't changed much either. Maybe because I have more choices and accept responsibility for my own decisions. I choose to have Mom live with me so I can care for her. Mom isn't making me miss ballgames or nights out with friends and family because she didn't make that choice, I did.

A lot of caregivers are in a situation where they don't feel they have choices and are dealing with someone where a disease has totally changed their base personalities. My first real job out of college developed into a situation where I didn't want to work there any longer but really needed the job because of my debt (student and auto loans) and lack of any savings. It took a couple of years to pay off the debt and get a couple months living expenses saved. At that point, I felt I could walk out on that job because I could make enough to cover my normal bills working as a Kelly girl until I found something better. The situation at work hadn't changed all that much, but the amount of stress it caused me was dramatically different. Just knowing I could walk away any time I chose to made all the difference. I believe that sense of being "trapped" makes very difficult situations much harder.

NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
The short answer is yes. The relationship is never the same.

Irreparably, there are too many variables to answer that question. For me, no. Not irreparably. For others, perhaps. Depends on the circumstances.

NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
Sorry about your cousin, Barb. How awful!

CarlaCB Aug 2019
I have two answers to this question. Yes and no. I had a very good relationship with my mother throughout my adult life (as evidenced by my profile pic, taken when I was around 30), until she got old and started to need help. I actually wanted to take care of her, but kept getting smacked in the face that her idea and my idea of it were totally different. My idea of caregiving was to do as much for her as I was moved to do by caring and compassion. Her idea of it was to have me do whatever she wanted done for her, regardless of my feelings about it. We clashed and knocked heads about this, over and over again. And it pained me deeply that she seemed willing to ruin the good relationship we'd always had in order to be tended and catered to her every wish and whim.

For the most part, I took care of her grudgingly, due to the lack of decent alternatives. During the last weeks of her life, though, this changed. I'd have to say she changed. She was like a sweet baby - loving, cheerful, grateful for everything I did. It was the most intense and profound experience of my life. I can't say that's common in such a fraught relationship, but it's what happened between me and Mom. Because of that, my memories of her are mostly positive, and I'm not nearly as angry and bitter as I might otherwise have been.

Jada824 Aug 2019
When siblings do finally do something it is so appreciated by the parent while you’ve been doing it all along without any acknowledgement whatsoever. They won’t even ask the sibling to do anything because you do it all for them & sometimes they feel the sibling is busy & you’re not.
it sounds like it’s time to step back & let them help out but watch out when you do because some siblings are vindictive & will retaliate against you. When that happens relationships cannot be saved.

Upstream Aug 2019
My parents were wonderful when I was growing up and I thought the world of them. Upon retirement, they decided to spend their days sitting around the house drinking wine and bickering with each other. Well, a decade of that and they are now a mess, MY mess, and they are people I no longer recognize. I absolutely hate the people they have become. Dad was placed in a dementia care home prior even to turning 80. Mom remains a dysfunctional alcoholic shut-in at her home near my house. I cope by running family photos, birthday cards, and even their wedding album through my shredder. I know, F'ed-up, but it's the way I take out my frustrations. The horrible people they have become are ruining my life.

AlvaDeer Aug 2019
You have trained your parents as to who you are and what you do. With parents who behave as they have for most of their lives, who are self absorbed, better said as narcissists, interested in only their own image in the mirrors, you will be treated as you act. If you play servant to their needs you will be treated as their servant. There isn't anything surprising here. So basically, it is up to you. When you find their behavior unacceptable you will move away from it, and then when you DO visit, you may be an apple of their eyes, as well.
I recall a friend who had a many years partner who she did EVERYTHING for. My friend fell very ill. The partner did nothing for her and then left.
She went to a shrink and the shrink said "You taught Kathleen what you are and what you do, and what you expect of her (nothing)". Now you are sick and you want her to care for you. YOU are the one who broke the contract. She is out of there."
Sad, isn't it? When people Martyr themselves to others they hope people will say "Oh, you are so good to do that" or hope the one they do FOR will say "I love you so much". But nope. It will just become the norm. The expected. And WOE the day you say you can't do it. Because YOU will be the one who broke the contract.

CTTN55 Aug 2019
Barb, I'm so sorry about your cousin! I bet his years of caregiving played a part in his despair. How many years did he do it for?

My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged because of the expectations she put on me and her devaluing of my contributions.

BarbBrooklyn Aug 2019
One of my cousins stepped up and moved back in with his parents when his father's dementia and his mom's CHF became unmanageable. They had in home care as well; he needed to work.

He got called out, constantly, by his sibling and other family members for being a "moocher". His career suffered, his long term relationship fell apart. His mother died first and father was moved to Memeory Care and then a VA nursing home, where he thrived for several years after his wife's death.

My cousin (the caregiver/moocher) committed suicide this past week.

I wonder how much of his despair stemmed from the broken-ness that resulted from his attempts to keep his parents in their home and the subsequent family issues.
Jada824 Aug 2019
I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. His siblings and other family members should be ashamed of themselves!

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