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Monica19815 Asked July 2019

Husband in denial and MIL keeps getting scammed. Any advice?

My 92 year old MIL has been a near victim of scams several times in the past 5 years THAT WE KNOW OF. We have managed to act quickly to intervene in about 3 major scams (meeting strange people in parking lots to collect her "big win," stopping her from wiring money to God-knows-who at Walmart, stopping her from depositing a fraudulent check in the amount of over $6000 to pay the fees and insurance on her "big win," etc.). After my FIL died in December there was over $50,000 missing from assets she previously claimed she had. My DH's only sibling, a brother, died in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago, leaving my DH solely responsible for his mother. DH is under evaluation for Dementia (he must be re-evaluated every 6 months) but I believe his real issue is HF Autism. He lets his mother manipulate him and has, thus far, refused to take over her finances. Our attorney told him it is now time to do this, after the latest scam attempt last week. MIL's bank agrees and has drawn up all the paperwork to give DH, who is Durable POA, access to all accounts. He is at the bank right now with his Mom.


We have only been married 5 years and this situation has affected our entire life. We were supposed to be away camping when this last scam happened. We canceled due to the heat wave and storms. Had we gone, we would have had to come home to deal with this latest scam on our second day away. MIL refuses to move closer to us, to the lovely independent living community just down the street from us. She is in independent living 40 minutes away and she still drives. Her income since my FIL does not cover her rent and bills because they lived beyond their means and did not plan for FIL dying first and most of their income ceasing. I need my husband to be a man and do what needs to be done to get our life back. He is 67 and retired. I am 58 and retired early to enjoy retirement with him but I find myself wanting to go back to work just to have a "life." Has anyone had experience with a spouse who is intimidated by their parent(s) and will not do what needs to be done to secure their parents' future as well as their own? I cannot live my life like this. I am the one who wanted my MIL to move down the street from us do I could visit her often, take the dogs to visit, have her at our home for meals sometimes and save my DH from having to travel so far to visit her and rush there when she is sick or is scammed again, etc. It would also help to monitor her cognitive health if we saw her more often and for more than just an hour or two at a time. My SIL calls to tell us that MIL is "not right," confused, sounds bad, etc and my DH just does not want to deal with it. The other day my MIL mentioned to my DH on the phone that she was having diarrhea for several days and there was blood in it and he did NOTHING. He did not even mention it to me until hours later. He says "Oh, she'll go to the doctors."


Just looking for some support and advice from you wonderful people who have been through so much and may have some good advice for me.

Geaton777 Jul 2019
Sorry that you have married into this messy situation. AlvaDeer asked important questions that need answers. If I were in your shoes, I would decide what I want the outcome to be and then make decisions based on that. When my stepFIL and MIL were sliding rapidly into dementia, Parkinsons, indebtedness and uncooperativeness/cluelessness I had a decision to make: I could "wish" that my husband and his 2 brothers were people other than who I knew them to be and watch a giant financial and emotional train wreck happen with his parents, or I could be proactive and do everything I could to minimize the wreck because it was eventually going to land in our laps anyway. It's too long of a story for here but I basically kept everyone informed and got permissions where I needed it from the siblings. The guys were more than happy that I was managing it and providing suggestions and solutions. That being said, the main recommendation I can make is that you have a discussion with your DH and SIL (if she's willing) and come to the table with a plan of action to guide them. They may be less paralyzed if someone starts them down a path.

Your MIL having bloody diarrhea is a perfect entre for you to offer to take her to the doc because you are "concerned". No guy really wants to be in a doc appt with their mom. If you get this far, at this appt have your MIL sign the HIPAA waiver so that you can give and get medical info for her. Also slip the staff a note that you want her given a cognitive test and urinalysis for UTI. And find out what the bloody D is all about, which may determine next steps with her anyway. Hopefully she'll be appreciative or at least cooperative with you, even if she doesn't allow you to go into the exam room with her. When I took my MIL (because she suspected a UTI) I offered to hold her purse while she went in. While I was holding it I photographed every important thing in it (license, Medicare card, health insurance card, CCs, blank check) because she kept "losing" her purse or she said it was "stolen" but she was actually having memory issues and kept misplacing it. Once I had this critical info DH and I were more able to help her on a broader scale (my DH was DPoA so he knew everything I was doing). Once we had her checking acct # and cc info he set up online access so that we could monitor any activity (and also to make sure critical bills were being paid on time. They weren't). To prevent scams and financial elder abuse you will need to lock down her finances.

So 2 things you can try: get answers to her health issues; get her critical info so you can protect her finances from scammers. This is enough for now, keep us updated as you make progress (or don't). Try to make tiny forward progress each day so that you eat the elephant one bite at a time. Soon others will offer up good ideas. Good luck!
TaylorUK Jul 2019
I would think that OP married into this "messy situation" because she was in love with husband. I think to tell her it is a messy situation is rather rude and suggests she was not sensible. Her husband certainly needs assessments to determine if dementia or HF autism but abilities in each are hugely different and I feel sorry for her that it is taking so long to get this sorted as a diagnosis would help so much in working out a plan for going forward. If he is a HF autism there is plenty he can do if assisted in the right way - too many "normal" people write these people off and they can live very normal lives and productive lives if just given support in the right area and presented with information in the right way.
Countrymouse Jul 2019
Monica, perhaps you and your SIL together could do a joint report on your MIL's situation for the attention of your MIL's primary care physician - if either of you knows who that is - and her local social services. It should be relatively easy to find out online who runs Adults' and Elder Services in her area, but if you're struggling just let us know and we'll do some digging around for you.

Even if your DH were showing more signs of being interested in his mother's welfare, there would still be a huge question mark over his retaining her DPOA because he's being investigated for dementia, and apart from that you yourself seem to be questioning his mental function for other reasons. The role of DPOA is ongoing and increases in responsibility. I wouldn't blame your DH for a moment, but it seems pretty obvious that he is just not up to the job.

Your MIL is 92 years old and needs urgently to be brought to the attention of the right social workers in her area. That might mean APS or it might mean less crisis-focused teams, but *tell* *someone*! DH might be annoyed, might feel humiliated, might be angry with you for "reporting" him and his mother, but that matters less than his mother's welfare. I doubt if he intends to neglect her, I doubt if he doesn't want to deal with it, I suspect that he can't deal with it and doesn't even understand it's so. If you and SIL can agree to act together, you can intervene and get MIL the support she urgently needs.

Re-reading: it sounds as though SIL might be on the brink of doing this anyway. Have you discussed the issues with her yourself?

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BlackHole Jul 2019
At 58, you easily have 30 years ahead of you. A 92-y.o. does not.

Go back to work.

I do not say this in opposition to the “family meeting”-style advice.

I say this in addition to.

You have made smart, proactive recommendations to DH & his sis. For years.

Your forward-thinking advice has been dismissed -- in favor of magical thinking, passing the buck and garden-variety denial.

Has anyone in the mix advocated for your sanity? Mentioned that your self-care is important? Didn’t think so.

A smart, capable woman who marries into dysfunction is a sitting duck.

No matter how great a guy DH is, he will decide that your free time is his free time. If he hasn’t already.

DH has been pretty clear about his emotional limits. And his rational limits.

You need to double-down on your personal boundaries.

Wanna know how this can spiral, if you don’t protect yourself? Read the “I am disheartened and angry” thread by Dorker - on AC Forum.

Need an example of tough boundaries in action. Start following “guestshopadmin” on AC Forum.

You can be loving and supportive - while exercising your right to not be used as an untrained (and unpaid) nurse, taxi, hoyer lift, accountant, maid and life coach.

The best time to stop “mission creep” is before it starts. 🧡

anonymous912123 Jul 2019
There are some that are just not capable of handling situations like this, your husband appears to be one. My brother, who I love dearly, is one of those, he doesn't want to upset the cart, he plays both sides of the fence. That is why I am the business end of the family. I would have a family meeting with your husband and SIL, asking her to take over your MIL's well-being. Does your husband have her durable POA? Are all her last wishes documentation in order? Keep in mind that the POA dies with the issuer, now we are into the after death arena, is he the PR of the estate? Does she have a will, both living and standard or pour over?

express Jul 2019
Placing Security Freezes on her credit reports *with ALL 3 credit reporting agencies* can help with some of the scams. I wish I'd done it sooner for my family member.

AlvaDeer Jul 2019
What does DH stand for? I always thought divorced husband but I guess not. Anyway I am assuming it is your husband.
I am concerned. You say that your DH is being evaluated for dementia every 6 months? Has he had an MRI? Are there changes they are concerned with. How could he conceivably be capable of handling MIL finances if he is being evaluated for dementia. And if they BOTH have their names on an account how does that help with the scamming situation? Is he taking over all the financial, because trust me I am doing that and it is a lot, a burden even when simple. If he is not handling all the accounts then MIL is free to do as she pleases still. It is sounding very much as though she needs placement now. SIL calling and DH not responding? Perhaps it isn't that he doesn't want to, he just has no idea what to do. What do YOU think should be done?
I don't see a good answer here at all. I wish I did. You are correct in that if MIL is not closeby you two can do nothing. If she IS close by then increasingly you have no life to live yourselves. Where does SIL live--seems in same town with MIL. I think that your DH taking on the POA for financial is not only problematic if he has no control over what Mom may do with the account. I recall your original post about the scamming.
Given that your DH is having problems clearly whatever they are I think it is time to take control of your own lives and live them while you are still able. I honestly have no answer as to where that leaves your MIL except in another town in difficult circumstances. I hope some others have a clue as to what to do. This sounds like a trip to town where MIL and SIL live, a family conference listing all that is going on, and some decisions made as who will or who CAN do what. Yikes, so sorry for the tangled web you are in. Wishing you luck. Hoping to hear back how it is going for you.
rocketjcat Jul 2019
Dear Husband. But sometimes morphing into Deaf Husband, Damn Husband or Divorced Husband.
moecam Jul 2019
OSTRICHES DON'T JUST LIVE IN AFRICA - time for a family meeting by asking SIL to come & maybe the 2 of you can make sense - time for MIL to move where you can monitor her actions

If hubby wants to leave her some independence try having dollar limits on 1 bank account & a low level credit card but he should open new accounts for that for her - make her present account joint with him so he can access the money but she needs his signature to access that money - the banks are happy to set something up - hubby may need it placed in front of him so it might be best for you to start gathering the info then put it on a tray to present it to him .... lol

NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2019
These scams are getting worse and they keep popping up all over the place. It’s sad.

My mom used to feel like she had to ‘return’ every phone call, (thinking it may have been important) scam alert, as soon as the person calls back they are hit with international phone call charges that are hundreds of dollars that have to be removed from the bill. What a pain! This happened to us.

I had to drill into mom’s head, do not return any calls. If they are truly important they will leave a message.

To ensure it further, when people ask for her phone number I give my number instead. Of course, this doesn’t stop the crappy robo calls. Those are the calls that are truly awful. Blocking doesn’t help. They call back with other numbers.

Don’t pick up because then they know it is a ‘live’ number and will pester the hell out of you. It is recommended that you just let it ring.

What about the robo text now too? So freakin annoying!
cherokeewaha Aug 2019
I am getting multple calls from unknown numbers. Over 40 in 5-6 days. If I do answer one who wants to know a number to reach me, I tell them the number to the local police department. Especially "John" from Microsoft. He quit calling finally.
I went thru the scams with my mom. I finally took over the finances. The biggest threat to her account though was my youngest brother. She would call me to get her groceries and I would. The next day or so she would call him to come take her to the store and he would drive the 20 minute drive to take her. Only he filled her buggy with junk food and food for him and his girlfriend and her family. Also, he had her fill his 20 gallon gas tank every time and cash a check for $200-$500. I hit the roof and chewed him and her out which left me feeling horrible. I refused to give her a blank check after I took over. In 6 months, I had her bank balance built up from $200 to $4,000. She was given $50 a month for him. I wrote checks for everything else. I took her shopping, to the doctor, picked up her meds and delivered them, etc. I wish you the best. Maybe your DH will learn to not let her control him. The money in her account was a blessing because she was put in memory care and skilled nursing for 3 years at the end. And it wasn't cheap. There wasn't enough left in her account to pay for her final expenses and my husband and I paid it from our savings.
TaylorUK Jul 2019
How are scammers getting at your MIL? There are ways to block phone and email routes which may be worth looking at. Also in UK we can block junk mail - don't know if you can do that in US
anonymous912123 Jul 2019
The computer? My step father is 90 and he uses his laptop. Fortunately, he is real cheap so when anyone asks for money, he says no!
Llamalover47 Aug 2019
Scams can happen to anyone. When I was living out of state taking care of my mother, I almost fell for one when my auto broke down. This guy at a gas station out of the blue said "he'd take care of my auto." I ALMOST fell for it but came to my senses. I was under high stress.

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