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JayJessW Asked July 2019

I'm at a loss for what to do.

It’s a long story so I do apologize. Looking for advice on what can be done about my mother. I didn't know what topic to post this.
I am in Virginia. I am in my late 20s. Sister is intellectually disabled and 30. Grammy is in her 80 s. Mom is 58. April last year mom had a stroke/brain bleed. May-June she was using drugs and we tried to get her committed somewhere but no one would help us (magistrate said she wasn't a danger to herself or others for some reason). It was a nightmare situation until she finally went to rehab only because adult protective services said she could have my sister back if she did. January this year, we find out that she's completely out of money and her only income is $1300 she gets from her deceased husband's military retirement thing (not my dad).
Since Dec. 2018, she's had around a dozen seizures. Been in and out of the hospital. The paramedics and have been to her house to assist her or sister roughly 40 times since February. Every time we bring them to our house (Grammy's house), she'll stay for a night or two then demand (rant, rave, become verbally abusive) to go home and to take sister with her. She's too paranoid to stay by herself in her own house. We have asked the paramedics to make a complaint to adult protective services but that was a while ago and we’ve heard nothing.
Earlier this month, she had a rough spell and we demanded she go to rehab as she abusing a certain prescription medication. She agreed to go the one out of state because she can smoke her precious e-cigs there. None of the instate places allow smoking of any kind. (Also, when I asked why she was going to rehab, she said b/c we were making her go not b/c she needed to go for any reason.)
She went for all of one week and then the place called wanting to send her back. She had fallen 3 times in their care and she badly fractured her elbow. So back she came. Turns out her fractured required surgery.
That become badly infected after a few weeks because she kept falling, showering with it without covering the dressing, etc. She went into the hospital, had surgery again, and the day before they were going to transfer her to assisted living to continue IV antibiotics, she wanted to leave the hospital AMA. Because 1) she wanted to smoke and nicotine patches aren’t enough for her, 2) she was burning up in the room, 3) she wanted to take her meds her way not how she’s supposed to get them and how the nurses were giving them to her. She did agree to stay and was transferred to the assisted living place. She was there almost four days when the nurses took away her e-cigs and I wouldn’t bring her any. So she ranted and raved and left AMA. The admin and a dozen nurses tried to get her to stay b/c of the infection and the pic line she had in.
Nope. Despite having her own house, she’s been with us (me, Grandma, and sis) since early June. I’ve been going to her house everyday or every other day to check on the cats. I don’t think she’s set foot in her house in a few weeks.
Its becoming increasing clear that her mental state is not what is used to be. She seems to be deteriorating. She doesn’t care about anything but her medicine, e-cigs, and watching law and order. Mom is forgetful (undertakes or mostly, overtakes her medication). She is a fall risk. Has bruises and scrapes all over from falls the past few months. Seizures. Uses my sister as a security blanket (refuses to spend the night in her own home without sister). She manipulates her mentally challenged daughter just to get her way. She’ll say she’ll sell the house and move away. Sell the cats that my sister is attached to, etc, just to get sister riled up so Grammy and I have to agree to let them go back to the mom’s house. Can’t keep sister’s medication straight (sister has her own issues that seem to worsen when she’s primarily with mom). Manic-depressive Bipolar. An addict
Grammy and I are at our wits end and we don't know what to do or who to contact to get something done.

AlvaDeer Aug 2019
The family needs to refuse to accept Mom back. I mean ALL the family in ALL the houses. She should be a ward of the state. You do not need to take this on. There is enough on your plate. Do not believe them when they feed you the platitudes of how you will be helped and they will help you "make this work". I am a nurse. They WILL NOT HELP YOU and it will not work.
Take care of what can be taken care of. I would understand Grammy is upset, but there is nothing to be done about this. She is too ill to be in the care of any of you. And hire someone and get her stuff out of your house now. She does not live at your house. If she gets out AMA or any other way she goes back to her own house. Get her things moved at once.
JayJessW Aug 2019
Se really doesn't have anything at our house minus a few articles of clothes. She won't be getting out on her own any time soon. She has a house all her own but bc she hasn't been well she's been with us. I do agree getting her made a ward of the state would be best. Not sure how to go around doing that
JayJessW Aug 2019
Update: mom has been in the hospital since that last time I posted. Almost 2 weeks. They were going to move her to a pysch ward but she's got a cast on her arm and thats considered a weapon so they can't move her. She's gone into some type of pychcosis. She had a sitter in the room but she became combative. Kept falling. Wouldn't listen. She's on a 30 day TDO. They have her in a posey bed. We just visited and she kept screening and yelling for the nurses. To leave. She called 911 before we got there.
Its a mess. She's not right in the head. Grammy is upset that's she's in the posey bed cage thing. Wants to talk to docs but they're doing all they can. She has a bad infection she needs iv antibiotics for.
I don't want her home. She needs full time care and more psych testing.
Still don't know what to do. I'm about near a breakdown. I can't handle this. I know Grammy can't but it's her daughter.
AlvaDeer Aug 2019
They will NOT keep her. They will stablize with medications and release. The important thing is the protection now of you, Grammy and Sis. GET HER THINGS OUT AT ONCE and back to her own home. Change the locks. Do NOT LET HER IN. Call the police if she returns. This will be hard on Grammy but the fact is that this woman could well kill any one of you or both. No one in the system will help you. Now is the time to move her right now. If Grammy goes back to her there is absolutely nothing you can do for her until she choose to return to you. Take care of you and your sis. Please. Because they will promise the system will help you and they will not. Protect yourself. Move her out.

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Countrymouse Jul 2019
Well done JayJess, and I hope your grandmother's doing okay. Prop her up! This must be so hard for all of you.

TNtechie Jul 2019
Please ask hospital for a complete psychiatric evaluation immediately. If your mother is incompetent, APS may take guardianship or help you gain guardianship so Mom cannot check herself out anymore. You could sale Mom's house and use the money to help fund an AL/MC.
JayJessW Jul 2019
I do not want guardianship of her. I'm trying to get guardianship of my sister. I do not want to be responsible for my mother. I'd rather she be a ward of the state and someone else deal with her.
But the hospital is doing a TDO.
Countrymouse Jul 2019
JayJess if your mother is in hospital now - ICU? Really? Why? - then this is your chance - get hold of the social workers *at* the hospital, give them a digest of your mother's history and your sister's vulnerability and the risk to your grandmother, and push to have the emergency psych team Baker Act your mother (or whatever the equivalent is in your state).

But don't let them hand the parcel back (or let it run away) until they've made it stop ticking! Is your sister at your grandmother's house? Is she okay?

Your poor grandmother, I'm so sorry to read her sad history. Keep reassuring her that this is the way to get your mother real, effective help - which can't happen when she tries to do it alone. Sometimes love isn't enough, not on its own.

Rather than turn your phone off completely (unless you have to do that at work anyway, of course), can you block your mother in Contacts?
JayJessW Jul 2019
She is in the hospital now. I took her to the ER yesterday as her elbow where she has the fracture looked like it was bleeding. She of course just wanted to get meds (an anxiety med that she abuses as I wouldn't give her anymore. she'd had 5 before we went to the ER). She only wanted to go to the ER to get the meds and didn't want me doing in with her. I did and I spoke to the doctor and explained everything that had been going on.
They kept her and this morning at 5am she started calling to be picked up. When I did turn the phone on I called Grandma to see what the situation was. She had talked to the doctor. Mom is being held TDO right now. She still has the phone and keeps calling, now she wants her ipod to watch her law and order. The infectious disease doc, the psych doc, social worker, and a person from a local mental health place have all be talking with Grandma. Its a step in a direction. Hopefully the right one.
Mom doesn't even remember being in the assisted living facility last week.
AlvaDeer Jul 2019
Reading your answer below that you cannot afford to live on your own makes me afraid that there is very little that can be done for you at all. My only thought is Adult Protective and complete honesty with them. You may have to think of moving yourself and your grandmother to the Mom's house for protection; in your Mom's current state I doubt there is a whole lot she could do about that. But this does require intervention by some sort of authority. If that intervention cannot be arranged through adult protective services I am afraid that leaves you unable to live along, living with a very ill addict, an impaired sister and an elderly grandmother. I cannot see that as in any way doable at all. Wishing you good luck moving forward; this isn't a system in our country that could deal well with this situation.

Lostinva Jul 2019
I’m in Virginia also. Please know that one cannot get into AL in Virginia unless you have cash or long term care insurance. Found that out that hard way when moved mom here. Important for you to get POA so the house can be sold for her care, AL will take as asset. Honestly it sounds like your Mom needs skilled nursing care. Again sell her assets!!! Her lifestyle will take all of you before her. Your Gma & sis definitely don’t need the stress. I wouldn’t allow her in your house. Send her home, what she does, she does. I contacted the social services office in my county, do the same. They know exactly who to contact. Our office has been a lifesaver for me.
Best of luck, most of all, take care of yourself!!! You’re too young to be living this life. Keep us posted!!!

Countrymouse Jul 2019
You asked the paramedics to contact APS a while back, you've heard nothing, and... what? Is there some reason why you can't contact APS yourself?

Your grandmother is in her eighties, and this must be taking a terrible toll on her.

Your mother is all over the place and I can't begin to guess what it's like to be inside her head. There are ways to have her committed involuntarily for assessment - have they been tried? If she's been on medication for her bipolar disorder for a while, she's sustained injuries, and she abuses px medication as well there could be heaven knows what going on in her brain. Do you have access to the information? Are you in touch with the team who handled the events when Sister was removed from her care?

Your sister, independently, is entitled to protection and support to achieve as good a quality of life as possible. Does she have her own case worker and/or health care team? Are you in touch with them?

It is is a heck of a pickle and will take a lot of sorting out, especially difficult when your mother is as uncooperative as she is. But I wonder if it's your grandmother who is actually the problem. It would be natural for her to want to protect her daughter and to fear for her, so I wonder if she tends to lean too far towards avoiding confrontation with her daughter or having to see her distressed.

If forcing appropriate treatment on your mother were easy or smooth going it would have happened by now. It is *going* to be tough, but surely it is what has to happen? If you can get your grandmother to focus on the longer term results and why they're worth holding out for, maybe she'll be less prone to enabling your mother.

Who to contact: is there any reason you wouldn't go back to the people you've already had dealings with?
JayJessW Jul 2019
I do sort of agree that Grandma is a bit of a problem. I brought up with her yesterday about just taking mom home and leaving her there and stop paying her bills but Grandma almost cried and said she couldn’t do that. We just can’t. Mom would still hound us, especially for access to sister or to get sister to come with her.
My grandma has had 5 children. She has had to bury her oldest and youngest and that took a toll on her. I don’t think she can really stop taking care of mom b/c she doesn’t want to lose another child.
Me, on the other hand, I’m so far checked out that I do not care.
I’ve been at work since 7am. Mom went to the ER yesterday because her elbow looked like it was bleeding through the bandages. They admitted her. She started calling at 5:30 AM for us to come get her. Apparently she’s in the ICU.
I left for work and turned my phone off when mom started calling me. I don’t want to go home, turn my phone on, or deal with any of this.
I have been researching lawyers and I do plan to go into the social services office to talk to someone face to face.
I’ve wanted to sell her house for the past few months and put her in a home. We’d pay off her debt and she’d have a little cushion for AL, plus what she receives each month. We’re trying to get her survivors benefits from her deceased husbands social security as he was in his 70s when he passed.
I keep saying I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that and then I freeze because everything is just too much to handle and I feel guilty relying on Grandma to do as she can only do so much.
Ahmijoy Jul 2019
Sis is an at-risk adult. She should not be anywhere near your mother. Somewhere, there should be medical documentation that Mother is a hopeless addict. You need copies of these. Go in person, don’t call, your local APS or Department of Human Resources. Bring these documents. Inform them that your mother is a terrible influence on her disabled daughter and should not be living in the same house with her. If Mother, for any reason, should wind up in any sort of medical facility, refuse to bring her home. There is no one at your home skilled enough to properly care for a mentally ill drug addict. You are not obligated to bring her to anyone’s home, Grammy’s or her own. Take the cats and close down her house. Get POA if you don’t already have it. At some point, her brain will totally short circuit and you’ll need to have the power to make decisions. Do not spend one penny of your money or Grammy’s on her for anything. For all you know, she falls on purpose just to get more drugs.

Be proactive instead of accepting. If you don’t hear back from an an agency or doctor, call them back. Repeatedly if necessary, until you get an answer.
JayJessW Jul 2019
We have called APS and I do plan to go in to talk to someone face to face because this is getting out of control. She's not falling on purpose, I know that for sure. Well, she does purposely overtake medicine that makes her unsteady on her feet. She's not being given narcotics by any doctors (as I've told them she can't handle them/would abuse them).
gladimhere Jul 2019
Sometimes the only logical solution is to detach yourself completely. It sounds like this will be the only way for you to have any semblance of the life you deserve to live. You need to remember that you have no legal obligation to mom or sis. They have to reach rock bottom before they even consider wanting help. By you detaching may actually bring rock bottom faster. It is not easy to do, for sure, but will be the best for you.

Have you attended any alanon meetings where you can find support from others experiencing similar issues with loved ones? What you are now doing is enabling the situation to continue, and continue to disrupt your life. Stop trying to be the everything to everybody. That is not possible.
JayJessW Jul 2019
I wish I could detach myself but I can't leave everything on my grandmother's shoulders. I also do not have the means to support myself alone because if I did, I would have left with my sister a while ago.
Grandmother, mom's mom, can't detach either. I've been told by others to just stop taking care of everything for mom and let the pieces fall where they may but we can't do that.
If she'd just go into independent or assisted living, that would be the best but if she can't smoke/take her meds her way, she won't unfortunately.
Even reaching rock bottom, my mother still would not understand or want to do anything different. She'd just keep digging a hole for herself.
Sendhelp Jul 2019
It appears your mother is out of control.
Seek supportive housing for your 30 y. o. sister, getting her away from this toxic mess.
That will be one less person for your mother to exploit, and the dynamics will change.

Never allow any addict to reside in your home.

gkcgkc Jul 2019
JayJessW, I am so sorry you and your grandmother are suffering through this. I really don't have any advice, but it seems like social services should be involved. It may be that you have call APS to report concern regarding your sister's care and that would get social services involved which might lead to some constructive advice on how to handle this very difficult situation.
I am dealing with a mentally ill drug addicted brother so I understand how hard this is. And you are so very young. {{{hugs}}}

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