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SusieSmith Asked June 2019

Should we gradually let LO know we are going to move her to assisted living?

My mother-in-law lives with us going on 5 years. She is 93 and has dementia, diagnosed Alzheimer's. She can't remember anything even 30 seconds after it happens. Otherwise, she is in good health in her body. Better health than we are even. It will be a big change for her to live someplace else so we thought if we bring the subject up often, show her the facility, let her know we are so tired and can't do this, etc. then something will register in her mind and it won't be as much of a traumatic change. Is it worth trying or a waste of effort?

NYDaughterInLaw Jun 2019
We have been trying to get my FIL who has mild dementia to agree to move to a smaller apartment at his indy living. Every time we bring up the subject FIL FTFO. And his dementia is only *mild*. So, we postpone until the next rent increase and try again. And again, he FTFO. People with dementia are not reasonable. As the disease progresses, more and more reactions are visceral. With only 30-seconds of retention time, your MIL is never going to give you the reaction you want.

That said, start touring places by yourself within a geographic area that you deem reasonable. Narrow down the list to 2-3 places, and then tour them with your husband. Write up pros and cons for each, and help your husband make the best choice for your MIL to live. Here is a snippet from one of the best answers I've ever read:
"...gently make clear that this is how it will be now. It is, as with very young children, best not to give choices when choices are confusing and frustrating. It is best to gently say what will now happen. Don't expect a good response. Expect an honest one. Which will be grief. There are times when grief is a fact that cannot be avoided for you all..."

Eyerishlass Jun 2019
It's understandable, compassionate, and respectful for you to want to ease your MIL through the difficult transition to assisted living. However, her Alzheimer's prohibits her from being able to reason and from being able to understand that the arrangement you have now, her living with you, is no longer feasible.

But I think it's worth a try. A test-run, so to speak, to see how she reacts and before any major changes occur. Maybe just take her to the facility for a tour at first. She how she does. This might give you a better idea of how to approach discussing the subject with her. Being at the facility is a visual, something she can see and hear and touch and feel. It might make more of an impression at first than trying to discuss it with her first especially since her recall is so poor.

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