Want to move mom from house to assisted living memory care...mom doesn't want to go and brother will fight me on it. What to do?

My take on this is that you need to work on the fact that you are ‘very very burnt out’. Instead of putting up the best front you can, do the opposite in the doctor’s office and say that you are worried about a collapse, taking too many sleeping tablets because you are too stressed to sleep, whatever you can think of. The doctor says that you need a solid break, urgently and within a month. You tell this to brother, say that you are going away for a month in a month’s time, and that you just haven’t the energy to organise what will happen while you are gone. You hope that’s enough time for him to get things organised himself.

You can see that you are propping up the whole situation, both for your mother and your brother. You have to stop doing that before anything will change – burning you out is their best option, you aren’t the priority here, why shouldn’t it just go on nicely like this? While you keep trying to do your best, nothing will change – unless and until this all comes true and you really do collapse. Then it will all change immediately, so make it happen while you are still OK.

Is she competent to make her own decisions? If not, are you POA? If she’s NOT competent and you’re not POA, call social services on her.

If she’s fully competent, back away. She’s going to refuse to move anywhere if you’re doing everything for her.

Let him fight you. Fight back! You’re strong! You have been doing all the heavy lifting! The hard work! Walked the walk! He can talk but doesn’t walk the walk like you do! What has he done? Zip, Zilch, Nada! He’s inferior to you! You can beat him by a mile!

I volunteer to be your cheerleader!

Your brother has NO idea how stressful it is to take care of mom.

I suggest you tell him you need two weeks vacation. He can come and take over her care or you pack her things and take her to his place and drop her off there. That way he'll understand what it is like to be a caregiver.

If he doesn't like either options above, then go ahead and move mom to a facility. Those who don't help have no say in the matter.

If it were me, I think I would look at my options and then make a decision and move forward. I might ask my brother to contribute toward a housekeeper or home help aide if he was able. If he can't, then you can listen to his advice to help keep the peace but maybe the ultimate decision is yours. Perhaps he'd like to have mom come and live with him, or maybe he can relocate to her home. I moved my mother in with me, after assisted living didn't work out for her. That was a year ago, and as her disease progresses we consider that we may need to find another memory care facility for her. I have the full support of the involved siblings, and the uninvolved siblings, (there are 3) don't get a vote. My mom wouldn't want me to be exhausted and at my wits end trying to care for her. There are some very nice facilities that do indeed keep your loved ones safe and happy. Good luck to you, I hope you can find the answer that works best.

Almazul2019, oh my gosh you have a lot on your plate. I have read your profile and can fully understand why it would be best for your Mom and for you if Mom moved to Memory Care.

Who is Mom's medical and financial Power of Attorney? If you are both, then you have a more powerful say in Mom's future.

What happens is that our much older parents still view us as a "child" who can do anything, with unlimited energy. My own parents, also in their 90's, were the same way. I was a senior myself and my energy ship had sailed a few years prior to my folks needed some help. After that my parents continued on with their life style while I had to change my own.

Sadly, many of us had to wait until there was a serious medical issue where a parent needed 911, hospital, rehab, and then a senior facility. I honestly thought my parents were going to outlive me.