84 y/o mom with various health problems eye sight, disc disease, arthritis, including early dementia. Will not adjust to rules and demands pain meds at will. Non compliant about just about everything. The rehab dr (before AL) has written instruction she could not stay alone (she’d broken hip had partial replacement). Does his word stand for good or do I try to find another dr ??? She’s insisting she will not live there another 10 years. She has long term policy that is paying some but not all. What do you do? Safety is number one priority, but her emotional is becoming critical too. Very independent but conniving. Any suggestions, am I just still dealing with guilt that she has to be there?

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Yes, she has cognitive decline, and she’s had two major falls within four months. Both required surgeries. After the first, her dr recommended AL she was there a month and moved home. Within weeks she had second major fall and that was pretty much the end of living alone.

You are correct I’ve just got to take a deep breath and get through this.
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Black Hole is right, this is just the way it goes for many of us.
Your mom will never completely adjust and enjoy her old age in a facility.

My mom was similar. She could showtime pretty well and seem with it, but had no executive reasoning and could not be at home. She couldn’t remember all the bad falls and how she ended up in assisted living and hated it. Wouldn’t cooperate and hated me for placing her and dad there.

But I did notice that she ate like a horse there as she and dad had been living on cherrios and lunch cakes for the last couple years. She settled into the routine of the place eventually but pretty much hated me until she died for putting her in that “horrible” place.

after mom died it took me a long time to be able to grieve. I was burnt out and angry. But months later I can now remember what a good mom she had once been. Memories will float up at odd times.

I felt guilty too but you can’t let guilt direct decisions about what is best for elders who can’t fend for themselves. I don’t think there’s any way to avoid some guilt but you gotta stay strong and do what needs to be done.
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Age 84 + a string of concomitant health problems = NOT independent

Old folks sure love to insist they’re independent, though. And those on the periphery love to validate the myth.

Crazier still, we caregivers (usually adult children) buy into the old canard. We drive mom/dad around and do their laundry and write their checks and mow their grass...... and gush about how “independent” they are. 🙄

Your mom sounds like a handful - no matter where, no matter what. The non-compliance is nothing new; it goes hand-in-hand with the conniving.

Now the stakes are higher and Mom is out of her comfort zone. She can’t “work” the facility workers the way she “worked” you. (Please don’t take offense. Everyone on this forum is or was their parent’s or in-law’s pawn at some point. That’s how we ended up on this forum!)

Mom should not live with you; too many medical issues. She should not be alone, per the doctor (keep this guy). She should be in a situation with 24-7 staffing and professional care.

Voila. Mom IS in the right place.

The doctor didn’t say she’d like it. The doctor says she needs it.

Ditch the guilt. You did nothing wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty.

And you are not responsible for Mom’s happiness.

These years suck. Put your head in your hands, take a big sigh and get used to it.

The old normal is gone.

What’s in store 6 months from now? ....a year from now? New indignities.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It’s not your fault Mom is 84 and falling apart. You didn’t make it happen. You cannot fix it.

The mourning starts long before the funeral.

((((big hugs)))) 🧡
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Is she being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

When someone who needs AL level of care but who can't seem to acknowledge that fact or adjust to their new situation, I'd assume that there is either some level of cognitive difficulty or a pre-existing mental health issue. In either case, you need professional advice.
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