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Thunder5 Asked December 2018

Should I enforce my POA? My father’s well being isn’t being considered.

My mom is caring for my dad while I have HCPOA, Durable POA & financial POA... the predicament is my mother is is fraught over this and is not allowing me to see my father. She threatens to call the sheriff if I come in the property. My mother wants a copy of all the paperwork & I won’t give it to her because she’ll tear it up. My father has dementia and two years ago (when my dad & I did the POA’s) it was mild. My mother was trying to get my father declared incompetent so she could have complete control over all his affairs/life. Keep in mind my mother is very narcissistic. My dad & I decided to draw up the POA’s and see an attorney because my mother was threatening to call the police on me (I was spending the week with them so I could take my dad to his cancer treatments/dr appts. while my mother babysat my brothers two girls.... keep in mind I live in Louisiana and came back on weekends to see my family) I had to excersie my FMLA in order to help my mother take care of my father during the cancer treatment. So to fast forward my mother after threatening to call the police on me and telling my father he was incompetent we went to the social worker at cancer center and explained the situation & she helped us come to a decision for my father to come back to Louisiana with me and finish his treatments, she told him he was of sound mind and was able to make his own decisions. So, my dad& I took off to finish our journey fighting his cancer. One week later I get a letter in the mail from an attorney my mother hired telling me to produce documents because my mother was suing me in civil court and criminal court. Needless to say I took the letter to an attorney and it’s unethical to ask for information on a civil case and use it again/against the same person in a criminal case. Needless to say that was dropped. Then one month later my father gets divorce papers served to him, from my mother while he’s trying to battle cancer. Keep in mind there’s been nasty text messages sent to him from my mother and brother. (I have screenshots of all the nasty texts). It’s gets so out of hand the verbal abuse via text message I call APS in Louisiana and they come out and file a report. Fast forward two months at the end of August my dad goes in for a PET scan & guess what! No sign of the cancer, I even bring the PET to his ENT at the VA and she says it’s gone too! Great news my dad tells my mother and BOOM she shows up and brings him back to Alabama. From here it really gets bad.... all his records were transferred back to AL so his cancer dr there could see it & guess what they still are treating him weekly for


 

cancer... fast forward one year the cancer is gone says the AL cancer dr.


Now, my dads being treated for skin cancer on his right hand. Hers this story....two years ago when he was staying with me fir cancer treatments I took him to the VA to establish care with dr’s here. The VA dermatologist said he needed two growths removed before they embeddedto deeply and it spreads. So, as I’m in the process of making the appts. my dad has headed back to AL. I have the Va Call my mother about this and they were told his AL dermatologist is just freezing it! Low and behold now it’s spread and he’s being treated for it now. My concern is all his AL dr’s just treating his condition with band aids because he’s a disabled Vet and all medical is paid. My mother’s refusing me access to my dad, takes his phone, deletes numbers and verbally abuses him. I guess my question is “WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH & You envoke the POA’s that you have, to protect your loved one?”. Keep in mind my parents live together... I’m headed to al to have the docs recorded legally. When I show up to see my father do I ask for police escort or do I just go and then have my mother cal the sheriff and then show them the paperwork I have? Advice is greatly appreciated. This is a great group and it’s made me feel “I’m not the only one, this is happening too”

gladimhere Dec 2018
Enforce? Maybe activate? What does the document say about that? Is it a standing or springing POA?

Countrymouse Dec 2018
Why does it matter if your mother tears up copies of your POA documentation? Let her. She still needs to see them and you should send them to her.

You should also send copies to the ALF, and if I were you I'd send them with a covering letter explaining what you plan to do. Do you want to prevent your mother from visiting your father, for example? Do you want to transfer your father to an ALF within easier reach? If his care falls entirely to you from now on, how are you going to handle it?
staceyb Dec 2018
CM, I think he meant Alabama (AL), not ALF. Dad is not (has not) been living in Assisted Living.

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Katiekate Dec 2018
I want to ask why you think it I should a bad idea for Mom to be taking steps that would protect her in the event of his death? Having her name on those accounts ensures that she will be able to continue to function without waiting on probate court. Ditto...credit cards, etc. those would have to be paid after he dies....from the checking account. So, she is protecting herself.

it is clear there is more going on between you and Mom. She feels she must have protection ....(from you?)

she he is, after all, his wife.
Thunder5 Dec 2018
I don’t have an issue with her protecting herself financially. My issue is her not taking care of my father’s health. Bear in mind all his health care is taken care of through the VA, Medicare & Tricare. He’s retired Army. My issue is that my mother is refusing/denying me access to my father. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE MONEY! SHE CAN HAVE IT ALL! I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO SEE MY DAD
Eyerishlass Dec 2018
The purpose of the POAs are if your father can't make decisions on his own anymore and it sounds like he can. That you have POA won't mean much in a power struggle with your mom.

What does your dad want? That's the question you and your mom should be asking.

Thunder5 Dec 2018
i need to add that this year my dad said “I cancelled Christmas”! My mother has taken all his credit cards and checks his amazon account on his phone. She yells and screams at him for sending things so now he just doesn’t do it anymore. She made him cancel all his separate bank accounts and made him reopen accounts with her name on them.

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