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folamix Asked July 2018

My sister wants to go home. Any suggestions?

I have placed my sister in Assisted Living and she has been there over a year. She is suffering from dementia. She constantly tells me she wants to go home, everytime I see or talk to her. She tells me the place is nice and everyone treats her well but she wants to be in her own space. She cannot live independently and I am physically unable to care for her. She takes a lot of medicine as well. It gets extremely frustrating because each time I explain it to her and she says she understands. Yet the next time, she asks me the same thing.

Eyerishlass Jul 2018
cwillie's right. There's no point in giving your sister a rational explanation when she has dementia and can't reason anymore hence the repeated questions each time you visit.

Distract her when she asks you. Divert her attention. "Oh, this is a lovely flower arrangement! Who sent this?" Or, "Is that a new blouse you're wearing? I've never seen that before. It looks so nice on you." It doesn't have to be new blouse but it will distract and/or divert your sister's attention. Don't wait for her to begin asking about going home. Start in on the distractions/diversions as soon as you arrive. You can even make something up: "I saw Mike the other day. Remember him? He's working at the bank now and has 3 kids!" Mike can be someone from her neighborhood or someone you grew up with. The person, "Mike", is real enough but your sister won't know that you didn't actually run into him.

Diversion and distraction are exhausting but effective.

Ahmijoy Jul 2018
As usual, C is spot on. It tears our hearts when those we love are in a facility and beg to go home, especially when they say the place is nice and they’re treated well. It’s almost easier to deal with when they’re nasty about it.

I used all the tricks and tips given here with my mom and also on some level with my husband. “When the doctor says you are better, we’ll talk about it.” Or “Were having the house fixed up for you while you’re gone and it’s not finished yet.” Of course it will never be finished. Or, as C suggests, distraction. That didn’t work with my mom because she was paranoid and delusional and distraction was impossible. But the therapeutic fibs did work. I would just tell her I’d ask the nurse when I left and ask the nurse to come in and talk to her. Of course I didn’t bother the busy nurses and aides, but since they were in and out of Mom’s room all the time, she never knew.

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cwillie Jul 2018
Stop explaining, just commiserate and distract. "Hm, I know what you are saying Mary, the changes we have to make when we get older sure are hard. Say, that reminds me of... " or "lets go see what's on the menu for dinner tonight, the meals here are so good -I sure wish I didn't have to cook anymore!"

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