Mother in nursing home, my husband wants to do winter down south. How do I leave her for three months?
My mother is in nursing home, my husband wants to do winter months down south, how do I leave her for three months? I don’t want to put my life on hold but don’t know that I can leave. Torn, any thoughts?
Your mom won’t likely be happy anywhere. Just like mine. My folks are in care 600 miles from me. They are safe and cared for very well. There’s nothing I can do to improve getting old, dementia and health problems. I have 2 trips planned this spring and I’ll be driving down to see my folks as well
You say you are torn. I would be too, but everyone has a different story and relationship with their parents. How long has she been there? How is her health? How was your relationship before? I know there are some children that rarely saw their parents prior to their going into a nursing home because of abuse or poor parenting. Since this is March already, I assume that you are planning for next year. I can really understand your hesitation. My parents have recently become residents in a nursing home and we children are still getting used to giving up the control of their care. We fluctuate between relief and guilt. They are settling in well, but we are all cognizant of the fact that we still have to be advocates for their care. Even the best facilities need the oversight of someone from the outside watching out for them. And of course to visit! Even if all they do is complain or we just sit there in silence. It might be that it is all very new to me, but I could not imagine not seeing my mother for 3 months while she was in a nursing home. When she was was younger and independent - sure. But she is more vulnerable now. They both are. I guess I will get slammed for saying this, but you asked for our thoughts, and these are mine. Maybe my feelings will change in the future. So much of your decision rests on where you are in your caregiving journey, and what your relationship was and is with your mother. You have time before next winter to make a clearer decision.
What if you lived in another state? Your mom would have to make due. I don't think we should give up our own lives in service to our parents, particularly when they're not grateful for what you're doing anyway. I say go and check in with the management team every week or every two weeks and enjoy your time away.
You say in your profile that your mom is suffering from “ general age-related decline”. Does that include dementia? If so, no matter what you do it will make no difference. My mother hated everything and everyone where she was. She never hassled me about visiting or not, but complained constantly about everything else.
How has she guilted you into paying someone to visit her when you’re away? Honestly, is this for your benefit or her’s? If she is still nasty to you when you return, maybe the person paid to visit isn’t doing that much good.
Since this is already March, you probably wouldn’t be gone that long. Even if you were, if your mom is as negative and dramatic as mine was, you may as well go with hubby and enjoy yourself. Because if you don’t get nailed for leaving, you’ll get it for something else.
She says she hates it there, one day she likes the girls next day she doesn’t. Gets very upset/ mean to me anytime I take a week long vacation. When I’m away I pay someone to go out once a week and visit, my siblings are useless and don’t visit .
What has your experience been with the nursing home? Do they report regularly to you on your mom's condition? Are they available when you need them? How does your mom get along with the caregivers? What does your mom think about your vacation plans? Can someone else visit her in your absence (sibling, neighbor, friend)? How often do you visit her?
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Do the snowbird thing. You need a life too.
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Since this is March already, I assume that you are planning for next year. I can really understand your hesitation. My parents have recently become residents in a nursing home and we children are still getting used to giving up the control of their care. We fluctuate between relief and guilt. They are settling in well, but we are all cognizant of the fact that we still have to be advocates for their care. Even the best facilities need the oversight of someone from the outside watching out for them. And of course to visit! Even if all they do is complain or we just sit there in silence.
It might be that it is all very new to me, but I could not imagine not seeing my mother for 3 months while she was in a nursing home. When she was was younger and independent - sure. But she is more vulnerable now. They both are.
I guess I will get slammed for saying this, but you asked for our thoughts, and these are mine. Maybe my feelings will change in the future. So much of your decision rests on where you are in your caregiving journey, and what your relationship was and is with your mother. You have time before next winter to make a clearer decision.
How has she guilted you into paying someone to visit her when you’re away? Honestly, is this for your benefit or her’s? If she is still nasty to you when you return, maybe the person paid to visit isn’t doing that much good.
Since this is already March, you probably wouldn’t be gone that long. Even if you were, if your mom is as negative and dramatic as mine was, you may as well go with hubby and enjoy yourself. Because if you don’t get nailed for leaving, you’ll get it for something else.
Do they report regularly to you on your mom's condition?
Are they available when you need them?
How does your mom get along with the caregivers?
What does your mom think about your vacation plans?
Can someone else visit her in your absence (sibling, neighbor, friend)?
How often do you visit her?