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kpenders Asked January 2017

Aunt needs to go to nursing home. How can I get her out of here?

My aunt has lived with me for the past 6 years now since early 2011. She's 65-66 years old and now it's gotten to the point where I can't take of her. Last night she fell in the bathroom and it took me and a friend 40 minutes to pick her up and take her to her room (she's heavy) she's blind in one eye and lives off of SSI Disability, she has bad knees ei. She has 3 brothers who all work and are married and have their own homes, problem is none of their wives want my aunt to live with them. I'm thinking we're going to have to put her in a nursing home. Thing is my aunt doesn't want to leave but it's gotten to a point where not only can I not take care of her, if she fell and my friend and I weren't home, she'd most likely be a corpse right now. How can I get her out of her?

golden23 Jan 2017
kpenders. I am so sorry. Sounds like your aunt has very poor health and chances for any recovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this very difficult time.

pamstegma Jan 2017
kpenders, bless you for caring for her as long as you did. It's in God's hands now. Keeping you in my prayers.

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kpenders Jan 2017
Update: Unfortunately the stroke was really bad, she has no blood clots in her heart but the stroke pretty fried her brain and according to the doctor by tonight she's most likely be on life support, my uncles have decided that they'd most likely take her off of it.

zythrr Jan 2017
Churchmouse

In other words, the poor aunt does not have much time left?

Countrymouse Jan 2017
The problem you originally posted about is no longer a problem. Provided, of course, that you are very clear with your uncles that it is not possible for your aunt to return to your home. Not now, not after rehab, not happening. Make sure of this. Call them and spell it out. Living with you must not feature in any hypothetical care plan.

I'm not sure how welcome three brothers en bloc are going to be, turning up at the hospital to deal with substantial legal matters while your aunt awaits surgery. Moreover, if it's a major stroke she's unlikely to be mentally able to deal with the POA decision. I'm sorry not to sound more sympathetic, but then again they left this on your plate for years and years and now they get round to shifting themselves?

Your aunt is diabetic, blind in one eye - from the diabetes? - and obese. She has now had two strokes, the latter one serious. It sounds as though the hospital is trying to suggest, very gently, that you prepare yourself. But that needn't stop you hoping for the best, and I do wish you and your family well.

kpenders Jan 2017
Update: So apparently my aunt has had 2 strokes, one is an older one and now they have to do surgery for her heart and her brain. If they do the heart surgery it can mess her brain up and if they do the brain surgery for the strokes it can mess her heart up badly.

My uncles (her 3 brothers) are going to the hospital today, they have to decide what to do with her via power of attorney

anonymous281963 Jan 2017
Sorry that she is suddenly so ill.

kpenders Jan 2017
She's blind in one eye and is disabled, she gets SSI Disability and she gets medicare, or medicaid or something, whatever older disabled people get via SSI.

golden23 Jan 2017
Ok now you know what to do and what not to do. Your aunt is seriously ill and needs professional care which you cannot provide. Family needs to meet with the hospital staff, social worker, discharge worker, doctor and work out a plan for your aunt's care. Ideally it should be all immediate family but, if not, fly on your own. Make it very clear that you cannot provide care in your home. In these cases they are obliged to place her in a suitable facility. You can still play a role as a caring and concerned family member, and I hope other family members with do that too. She needs family to advocate for her. Does anyone have POA medical and financial? If not and if she is still competent that should be done ASAP. Please let us know how she is and how you are managing, Grad school is very demanding so you have a lot on your plate.

kpenders Jan 2017
Update: My aunt did go to the hospital today after I finally called 9/11. She had a heart attack and a stroke and apparently it's serious.

anonymous281963 Jan 2017
This is for your benefit only...
We understand how you phrased your question, really, we do. However, if you re-phrase your communications to family, and instead say:
"My aunt needs to be placed immediately" for her own safety, that may be received better. What do you think?
You can continue to state: "How do I get her out of here" when talking to the forum caregivers though.

anonymous281963 Jan 2017
The arrangement you had with your aunt is no longer working, so call a family meeting of the 3 brothers and inform them they either take turns or they place her in a facility and pay for her, within two days.
Better yet, call your favorite Uncle to have this urgent meeting at his home, bring her suitcase. They are most likely used to this arrangement and don't get it.

This may sound harsh, so do it at your own speed without guilt. It is more common than you might know that a need arises quickly for an elder to be taken out of the home that day! The usual 30 days notice does not apply here.

kpenders Jan 2017
I kind of need her out of her in the next week or so though, I'm really afraid that when I'm out (full time grad school student) and she's alone that I'll come home and she'll be dead.

freqflyer Jan 2017
kpenders, sounds like your Aunt is going to need a higher level of care. I assume she may not be able to afford to have private Caregivers to help her out, plus the Caregivers may not be able to lift her.

Your Aunt could apply for Medicaid. If accepted, she might qualify for around the clock care at a continuing care facility [nursing home]. It is now too a point where she can't decide on where to live, she needs higher level of care. My gosh, she is so young for that but sadly this is what happens when one is quite heavy, the knees go, and surgery can't be performed on the knees unless the patient loses quite a fit of weight, otherwise it is back to square one.

As recommended by another writer above, next time your Aunt falls, call 911.

kpenders Jan 2017
@Churchmouse Out of pity tbh, I let her live with me because I'm a single dude and she helped around the house, but over the last few years she's been deteriorating

Countrymouse Jan 2017
Eh, but she's young to be in this condition, no?

You're right that she needs more care than you can provide, and that means that living with you just isn't safe for her. So that's your starting point. I wouldn't wait for another fall: why not call Social Services in your area and start researching your aunt's options? At her age, and assuming her mental faculties are fine, it's important that she starts planning her own care rather than passively becoming more and more dependent on you.

What brought her to live with you in the first place, do you mind my asking?

Kimber166 Jan 2017
next time she falls - call 911, have her taken to ER to be checked over from fall, then tell the social worker you can no longer take care of her in your home.

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