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Dssmiles Asked July 2016

How do you help your widowed or single parent stay on budget?

It has been a year and 2 days since my Dad died. My Mother gets high on spending money. If she didn't have more debt than money in the bank, I wouldn't be as concerned. And, I am concerned about her future and running out of money and ending up with no place to live or on some kind of government assistants. She does all this shopping online. I am trying to protect her from herself, more than anything, but also because I don't want her identity stolen, end up being charged for more than she is getting, fraudulent charges, etc., etc., etc. She just doesn't seem to understand her destiny if she can't stop the irrational and frivolous spending. I'm sure a little bit of it is due to trying to exercise her independence, to self medicate through hER grief, but it also seems reckless and playing with fire. I have gotten her out of a lot of autoship legal scams, meaning they get elderly people with the pay only shipping for a 14 day trial, but then start auto debiting her account $400 a month because she order several products under the trial. A family member cleaned her computer and in less than 6 months of being online she had over 2000 possible malware. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Well, I closed all her credit cards and her debit card because she was using online for these autoship companies, and got her down to a prepaid debit card. In the last month she has opened up 2 credit cards online, and opened up another debit card connected to her bank account, and she has spent money through Paypal, which took money directly from her bank account and money online through her prepaid card, and in 2 weeks she spent $2000, and that is not counting the $800 prior. She has been diagnosed with dementia, major depression, and bipolar. And, she is in denial of having these things and she thinks that she doesn't need anyone's help. I think she has forgotten a lot or all of the situations we have been through, along with the money she has lost until I would find out, and was able to get many, many things reversed and cancelled to get her money back, but I haven't gotten all her money back on every online financial mistake. But, there are patterns, and she goes into reserves every month, and it is scary when looking at 5 to 10 years from now. Any suggestions on how you got through to your loved one that they need and must stay on a budget, because they are playing with fire, and not being mindful with spending, and having her identity stolen online, and she's wasting money that she needs now to pay down debt, or that can be used as her health declines to keep her comfortable and to afford to keep her living in nice well equipped surroundings and care. Any advice and help is much appreciated.

Dssmiles Jul 2016
Clarification to above post just submitted: I tried freezing credit online, but it didn't process, and a message came up that they were having technical difficulties and to call their 800 number given in that error message on their website. All of main bills are automatically deducted, but not these 2 new credit cards. Because those 2 have just come to light. If I close like I have already done, before her opening accounts again, she will more tjan likely do it again, so thst is another reason freezing the credit still sounds like the best option until drs claim her incompetent. All of this is new to me. But, I am slowly learning. Thank you, again.

Dssmiles Jul 2016
I think freeze her credit is the first step along with closing new cards just opened, oh and talking to drs about my concerns. Thank you all so much. I tried to do online, and it said the online service was down and to call them. Haven't called yet, but will now that things continue to happen. I don't know how to close the paypal account. I guess I would need her password for paypal to do this? I do not want to seek guardianship at this time, because if I am not mistaken, it would take away her right to do anything, even vote. She hasn't gotten bad enough overall for me to do that to her. Maybe i am in denial, but I don't think I should do that before she is to the point of needing 24 hour care and/or bedridden. But, I will seek if after letting her drs know the situation, and if they feel it is time, I will. I think I will need drs to sign off that her dementia, etc., has progressed to incompetent managing funds, etc. I setup all bills to be automatically withdrawn each month. ALL of you above have helped me. Thank you, again.

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freqflyer Jul 2016
Here's one idea, "freeze" her credit via the 3 national credit bureaus. It's easy to do, just go into the credit bureau, have your mother's social security number and answer the questions asked.... then click on "Freeze Credit". It cost around $10 for each credit bureau, but some States require no cost for this service. That way no new credit cards will be issued to her.

micalost Jul 2016
I think i would approach this the way people do with taking the car away.
Gee the computer is broken, have to take it out for repair. period.
HSN home shopping TV is safer than the computer- I had to call the internet service and tell them the situation and ask them to NOT call or mail any notifications of renewal-
same with magazines and news papers- she was constantly sending checks!
Have you tried one of those pre-pay credit cards that only have a certain amount of money on them? better than draining your bank account... no, she will never understand :(

BarbBrooklyn Jul 2016
So, your mom has been diagnosed with dementia ( so she doesn't see the consequences of her actions) and bipolar ( which i seem to recall usually involves spending money recklessly).

Have you spoken to her doctor about this?

You will not get her to " understand". That part of her brain is very broken. You can talk to her doctor about whether seeking guardianship might be advisable.

geewiz Jul 2016
I'm sure others will have terrific ideas but what struck me was that your Mom has been diagnosed with dementia. In my opinion, that gives you (or POA) more authority to act. Do you live nearby and how much access do you have to her home/computer? Sign her up for 'opt out' on credit card offers through any of the credit reporting agencies. This can be done online. Close out the credit cards she has opened online along with pay pal and the debit cards. Are you paying her bills each month? Who is she living with?
Things you can do: Move any automatic pension and social security deposits to a new account at a new bank. Or at least take the larger of these and change it to a different bank. If she doesn't have access to that account perhaps she won't be able to open new accounts. Have the family friend install firewalls on her computer. And do routine computer clean ups. Ask the credit reporting agencies to make a note on her file of her dementia diagnosis to prevent new cards from being issued. How advanced is the dementia? Can you intercept the packages and return them? Can your family friend with computer skills block her shopping sites? Can you get her away from the computer? Adult day care? Outings? etc
Can the computer 'break' - the friend might know how to make it shut down somehow. Shut down her credit cards.
Ok, so this is a rambling list but perhaps something will be pertinent. In view of the dementia diagnosis, it is unlikely you can reason with her and get her to stay on a budget. The disease prevents her from having the reasoning skills other may have.

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