How can I get my parents to move to an independent facility when they are afraid of running out of money? - AgingCare.com

How can I get my parents to move to an independent facility when they are afraid of running out of money?

Follow
Share

My parents are (90 & 87). I am 6 hours away from them. We have toured several facilities that were nice, but they can't seem to pull the trigger. They are doing fine, but are getting more frail & Dad's eye site is poor due to macular degeneration. Both are hard of hearing & Mom uses a cane and has a had a stroke. Both have heart disease. Dad is an Olympic grade worrier over EVERYTHING, such as how are we going to move? What do we do with all this stuff? How do I get my prescriptions filled, etc. Despite multiple reassurances from the facility representative & me about those things, he can't make the decision. Also he's afraid they will run out of money, "then what"? Again, multiple reassurances that they won't be thrown out into the street. I have had someone coming into the house once a week for 4 hours for household help. It started out well, but lately there have been staff changes & the current person is not responsible. I told them that we will find another agency, but they are doom & gloom that the same thing will happen again. I've looked into obtaining benefits from the VA, but they won't help unless they need help with eating, bathing, dressing, etc. They are not at that point yet. Also, the vet has to have few assets. They have more in savings than the VA allows. They live in a townhouse (that's paid for) so there's no lawn work, heavy home maintenance, etc. But I worry about their safety constantly.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
30

Answers

Show:
I'm 12 hours from my folks who are very much like yours. My Dad has dementia and mom has multiple health problems. Do you have control of the funds? POA? You're going to need to be able to handle their finances pretty soon. I was able to get POA and start taking care of finances before my Dads dementia got worse. If I hadn't things would be a total nightmare now.

Also, don't kill yourself trying to convince them to make rational decisions. They won't. Your Dad probably needs some meds for anxiety. Something will happen eventually to force the issue. I'm just waiting my parents out.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was driving myself crazy for a couple of years worrying. Things will happen. I can prevent some but not all of it. When elders are in that grey area of competency we can only do as much as they will allow.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

You need to look farther afield than the IL/AL in their town. If they are going to move, it's best to move them close to you, so that when (not if, when) they get taken to the ER, you can get there quickly.

You want to look for a continuing care community that has everything from Independent Living to Memory Care, to NH to Hospice, so that they never have to move again. And transportation is a MUST!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Nature73, once you do get your parents into an Independent Living community, and if you are taking over the finances such as bill paying, make sure the IL bill comes to you and not to your parents.

It is best that your parents don't see the monthly bill otherwise they will start fretting over the cost. That happened to my Dad, wish I had a crystal ball to see that coming as Dad is now obsessed with the cost. The billing department was sending a duplicate bill to my Dad, so I now put a stop to that. Thank goodness Dad doesn't see the separate bill for his private caregiver, he doesn't even ask about that cost.

I also asked Dad's stock broker to stop mailing Dad the financial statements, only send them to me, again another thing less for Dad to fret over.

Make sure you have financial Power of Attorney.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

The reason for your Dad to worry about this or that sounds like code for he doesn't want to bother you with such details, thus he and your Mom will remain in their townhome. Plus it isn't easy moving into some place new as there is so much to think about. My parents were the same way, they refused to open the vault to use their money to move some place elder safe. Forget downsizing :P

Maybe this idea might work since your parents are open to listening... you mentioned your Dad has macular degeneration.. well, the sooner someone moves who has that eye condition the better, thus they can learn their way around while their vision is still good.....

I believe that is one reason my Mom refused to move, as her mac deg was to a point where she was almost blind, so for her to learn her way around a new kitchen would have been very difficult for her to do.... even though the Independent Living facility had 3 meals a day in the main dinning room, so Mom wouldn't need to worry about cooking, she wasn't very social as she was almost totally deaf at 98. A life not well planned :(
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Nature as you shop for facilities try to find one that is a continuum of care. If either needs memory care or skilled nursing they can still be together in the same building. It would be very difficult to have to separate them and move one or both!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

If they are willing to make the change but unable to initiate it then perhaps they will be relieved to hand over the responsibility to you. It sounds as though your father will dither and second guess no matter what, there will probably be reluctance no matter what you do so I would just decide on the best course of action and present it as a fait accompli. At their ages I expect that they have few real social ties to their community any more, you might want to consider moving them closer to you, especially as their area doesn't appear to have ideal accommodations. As Glad pointed out, you should also be planning for their (inevitable) increasing needs by finding a continuing care community, you don't want to have to move one or both again in 6 months or a year.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Two suggestions for you. Do you have any siblings? When it was time for my folks to leave the family home, my brother, mother, and I ganged up on my dad to get him to move. He didn't want to but was outnumbered by our persistence. So they moved.

Then when it was time for them to move up near me (3 hours away), I told them the stress of running down to see them when they had emergencies was killing me. That was all they needed to hear to move near me, where I could take care of them more easily. My dad lived for 9 years and 14 years later, my mom (96 years old) is still 1.5 miles away from me in independent living. Good luck!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

When my dad realized he needed to get out of his home, we, like you did, looked at several places. Finally he decided he would move if he could stay in the same city he lived in in Kansas. I live in Oklahoma and my other closest sister in Texas. No convincing him to move near us. So we settled and he moved at a continuing care facility in Kansas. He wasn't there two months when he realized he made a mistake and wanted to move to be near me. So my sister and I had to arrange two moves inside of 6 months!! In hindsight, I should have insisted, but just didn't. I am so glad he is near me as he's fallen several times, been in the hospital twice, skilled nursing rehab once, and now he's in AL. The place he is in also has benevolence funding to pay the senior's fees if they run out of savings. They will pay with what fixed income sources they have, and the facility pays the rest. Usually these places are owned by religious denominations.
But before he moved, my sister took all his financials to her financial advisor who ran the numbers to show how long it would take for him to run out of money. Let's just say that was a great way to convince him he had the money to do it. He's worked hard all his life, saved like crazy, and has plenty. This from a blue collar worker, with only a HS education. He has more money in the bank than most professionals these days have. So proud of him. And of course it eases my mind.
So my advice: move him near you, let a senior moving company who specializes in this sort of move help downsize, and get his financials in order with you as POA, and Health POA. Good luck.
PS.... (I agree with Windyridge about something for dad's anxiety.. a.k.a. worries) My dad is exactly the same and he couldn't believe all this could be done even though we told him we were handling it all. Finally got him on low dose Buspar and Zoloft and it worked WONDERS!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Dad did go to his CPA & had numbers crunched. He was told that it was "doable". I wanted him to get an Elder Care attorney, but there are none near him & they "cost money". There is a nice Independent Living/Assisted Living facility in their town but the facility has no bus or transportation for the residents since most of them in independent living drive their own cars! Dad would have to pay $25 for a trip to the grocery store! That is outrageous! Dad does not like to drive because of his eye site so he needs transportation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If they don't have transportation that would pretty much put them off the table unless the city or town has a service. Some cities do have transportation for elderly and disabled people. I have a friend who relied on a van to take her to the doctor and grocery store. They also took her to the senior center every day. The only bad thing about them is sometimes they come a few minutes early in her case. Otherwise it was great. She recently moved to assisted living, so doesn't need them anymore.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions