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ecranos Asked October 2014

Should we contact elder affairs?

My in laws are 80 & 78 and are broke. They have a bit of equity in the house. The house is in pre foreclosure. We found them a great broker. He is working hard to prepare house, even fronting some money to have a few things fixed. My 47 year old sister in law & her 6 year old live there. She does not have a job. She has a sugar daddy that comes in town once or twice a month who pays for her cell, gave her a car & his credit card. My other sister in law also no job came in town to "help" prepare the house & is doing nothing. They also have 3 dogs that they never trained that pee & poop all over the house. The house stinks, no one but my husband is doing anything to help & they just all seem oblivious to the fact they may all end up homeless. The house is huge - 6500 sq feet, there is a lot that needs to be done. (They used to be wealthy, he blew it all away in bad business investments.) We are so stressed out I am making us an appointment with a therapist this week, one who specializes in elder issues I hope. My in laws health is not good & my father in law definitely has some undiagnosed dementia going on. It is hard to accurately express just how nutty & self consumed these people are. It's like we are dealing with the insane. No rationale what so ever. We've tried kindness, compassion, understanding, no results. We tried yelling & anger, no results. We are exhausted. Thanks for any suggestions.

Labs4me Oct 2014
Meant to say disfunctional lifestyle

Labs4me Oct 2014
Walk away and notify the proper authorities for the sake of the minor child and elderly parents. Why should you seek counseling? It is all your in-laws that need therapy for their extreme distinctions and disgusting lifestyle.

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pamstegma Oct 2014
Get them ALL out of there, pronto. Who is going to buy a poop heap? Call the health department or the building inspector and have them post a notice the building is uninhabitable. That gives you the opportunity to get the parents to proper care, and get rid of the squatters. It also gives the realtor the opportunity to stage the house for sale, paint, clean and fumigate.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2014
I know the feeling! And I'm from a fairly functional family! You are so wise to seek outside advice in this frustrating situation. But as you know, the definition of insanity, for some of us, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Therapy is almost always a game changer. If nothing else, it lets you look at a family dynamic through the eyes of a dispassionate outside, who may see solutions that are invisible to us because we're too close, and have brought into what I like to call the "family myths". Let us know how it goes! Best of luck and much love to you both.

ecranos Oct 2014
Thank you so much for responding, I really appreciate your advice. Yes the therapy is for us & I'm actually really looking forward to it. It feels like we are banging our heads against a wall.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2014
Not only undiagnosed dementia but most likely long standing mental illness. Is therapy for you and husband? That's who can benefit from insight into this. It sounds like you've done what you can to help. In your shoes, I would call elder affairs to help, because your in laws might actually listen to them. They might also need to get Child Services involved on behalf of the 6 year old.

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