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gracetoyou Asked October 2012

What rights do I have as a daughter when my mother has had a stroke & her husband refuses to get her medical care?

My mother, 69, has a history of some type of mental illness and has been married to a younger man for the past 12 years. When she had her stroke he did not get her any medical attention. Four days later my aunt took her to the hospital. She has no insurance and only has medicare part A. She is not eligible for Social Security. I have been there everyday during her month long stay at the rehab facility. She's going to be released to her home this week and her husband has said that they will not need any medication because taking meds is a sign that you dont trust God for your healing. I am a believer in God myself, just not this anti medication version. This man lives off my mothers inheritance. He had no home or assets when he came into the marriage. He seems a bit slow. Mom owns 2 homes, both of which are in disrepair but she feels they are fine. They are in my opinion, both extremely dangerous. Her plumbing is not all connected, her furnace doesnt work properly, she has a major mold issue, her sidewalk is all broken and uneven etc. How can I help safeguard my mother ? I am fearful that if she falls (or anything really) that he will not get her medical attention. Do I have any rights ?

gracetoyou Oct 2012
Thanks to both of you for your answers. My mother has always been suspicious of doctors but has had a change of heart so to speak now that she has had a stroke and IS willing to take SOME of the meds but its more about the fact that she thinks she knows whats best and doesnt believe the docs, nurses etc. She does want to take the meds when she gets home from rehab, but the husband says she wont need it and he seems to have powerful sway over her. I also just recently found out that he has hit her in the past and now I am worried about that in addition to everything else. I figured the rehab wouldnt send her home to a house that is unsafe but apparently they are going to. I will be following up with protective services sure. She is very hard to deal with and in the past has been diagnosed with paranoid delusions and more recently with a narcissistic personality disorder. I am trying so hard to help her and make sure she is safe. The husband provides very little in the way of financial support etc. He get s 2 pension and he pays half the utilities and he pays for his car...thats it. My mom pays for everything else....food, taxes, upkeep, maintenance, the other half of utilities etc. The house is disgusting and not safe at all. I dont think her decisions or thought process is rational but I know if I even suggest POA she will freak out even though I am the one who is seeing to everything. The husband has never asked one question of the doctor...not one !!!! I am just flabbergasted that the county, state, etc would send this woman back into such a dangerous situation. Sorry for venting and thank you for listening to me. I guess maybe I should see an eldercare lawyer.

jeannegibbs Oct 2012
Do you happen to know whether your mother's views are similar to her husband's? Did she "convert" to his point of view when she married him? If it is against her current beliefs to take medicine I kind of doubt that you are going to be able to have that overruled. If she were a child, maybe. There are cases where a court has ruled that a child must have treatment even if it is against the parents' beliefs. But I think adults can make their own decisions. So a critical question is what is your mother's preference in this regard? And is she competent to make such decisions? You mention mental illness. Is she still able to understand the consequences of not taking medicine or getting medical treatment?

How did your aunt manage to get her to the hospital? Was she willing to go? Did the husband try to stop her?

This is a real heart-breaker. I don't blame you at all for wanting to see that your mother gets good medical care. But I don't think that interfering in her religion (if that is what this is) is going to be easy or even possible.

My heart goes out to you.

Do let us know what you try and if anything works. We learn from each other.

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littletonway Oct 2012
I would contact Adult Protective Services for a home check; an attorney who deals with elder care and her doctor for an in-home evaluation by a Home Health Care provider.

What a terrible situation for your Mother. I wish you the best!

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