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Odette Asked July 2012

How to get my mother to realize she can't go on at home and needs to move?

my 3 sisters and 1 brother plus myself, seems like a lot of caregiving, but we live in different counties and work , I baby sit my grand daughter. My mom needs someone to make sure her meds are given and that she eats. She has no trouble getting around and is pretty healthy for a 90 year old wth dementia. She definitely needs her meds as she hears voices without them. I wish we could find someone to move in with her, but doesn't look like that will happen. Visiting Angels are good, but getting very expensive most days and nights.
She is running out of money and we cannot keep up the house and our homes too. My oldest sister is 72 and has health issues, it is running all of us ragged. What can we do to get her to move, she has a house full of furniture to get rid of and we need to put the house on the market to sell so she can have enough money to live some where else. She rotates weekends staying with 3 of us. But she wants to be at home and wants us to stay with her. This is getting so hard to deal with and very frustrating.

NancyH Jul 2012
Odette, When my mother-in-law finally had to move out of her house after 50+ years, it was pretty bad. She also has dementia and is legally blind because of macular degeneration. My father-in-law had been her eyes and memory, especially when it came to taking her pills. Before she fell and broke her OTHER hip, and the decision was taken out of our hands by her doctors, we tried to help her stay in her house alone. I would make sure she had a pill organizer set up for 2 weeks ahead. Either I or my sister-in-law would wash her hair, wash her feet (she didn't take showers) took her shopping & to Dr. appts and I more than anyone, became her entertainment director. Eventually she did have to move out and into asst living (which she hated at first) but I learned a couple of things. First of all, it wasn't the HOUSE that she didn't want to move away from, it was the MEMORIES she thought she'd lose. She told me later on that she felt like she was abandoning her deceased husband, and felt like a traitor. Once I understood her 'logic' then I was able to talk to her about it. I told her I wished I had a time machine, so she could be back with her husband and 3 sons in her little house when she was happy. She has lost her husband, her vision and her memories are going down the drain, but I focus on what she DOES have. She still has her 3 sons and all the families that are attached to them. My point is, she HAD to move & she had no choice in the end and it was awful for her. But she survived and doesn't lament (too much) about going 'back home' anymore. Do what you have to do about your mom, it's not gonna be pretty for sure, but that's life. Sometimes it's sucky. As for me, my m-i-l has become my road trip buddy. Since I don't punch a time clock, and she loves to travel, I take her places with me. In fact, a few days ago I took her in our 4x4 up in the woods on a gravel road, that I swear went on forever. She loved it, and so did I. She's a good sport (THANK GOD). :)

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